Zeke's gender-affirming surgery fund

Hi there. I'm Zeke. I am looking for help affording a long-desired medical procedure. I presently live in southern Vermont, traditional Abenaki land, which is also where I spent my entire kidhood and most of my adult life. I like to explore nature; dote on my cat; sponge up scientific (especial biology) facts; journal; sing and dance; cook; advocate for unhoused and disabled peers and those who use substances; grow food and flowers; and much more.

I like to travel and commune with the ocean. I want badly to learn spanish fluently and travel to South America, among other places. I dream of an eco-centered world where everybody's needs are met, and white, abled-bodied supremacy and violent nationalism no longer poison the well. I have experienced and survived ableism, trans/queerphobia, antisemitism, systemic abuse, various kinds of violent assault, years of homelessness, and incarceration (including 29 days straight in solitary confinement on victimless charges.)

I have experienced dysphoria (feelings of distress, disassociation, sadness, bitterness, shame and embarrassment) related to the friction between socially-imposed gender and my internal experience for as long as I remember... but, as with many trans folk, when puberty started these became acutely worse. My chest is the locus of much of my gender dysphoria. By eighth grade I was constantly hunching and slouching, and sweltering under hoodies on hot days. I think I was 21 when I first looked up the cost of a double mastectomy. I am now 38 and I have dealt with gender dysphoria, to varying degrees, day-in-day-out, for more than 26 years... compelling me to expend significant mental energy trying to feel less, be less aware of my body. It has influenced me to pursue activities that are far less healthy and life-affirming than those I'd otherwise prefer to engage in. For instance I am in the process of quitting tobacco. I know quitting would be easier without chest dysphoria. I have read that 38 percent of trans smokers who get top surgery quit cigarettes for good. 

Although I dream of riding my bike frequently, of having a swimming practice, of doing some serious (days-long) hiking, and to practicing other forms of exercise like weightlifting and strength-training, martial arts, maybe even running. I want to play the violin and dabble in stuff like softball, basketball and frisbee. (I have not felt comfortable even tossing a frisbee these many years.) To dance with abandon -what an unrealized joy!!! I have limited my physical activities for close to three decades to avoid the dysphoria I experience engaging in these activities. Although I do something akin to meditation I suppose, while laying down; I can't really bear to sit and meditate. I all too often (if not always?) become aware of the gravitational pull on my chest when I try to still my mind. The elephantine mental weight of continually navigating around discomfort has become unequivocally more of a burden to me at this age than the fear of going under the knife, and of whatever pain will ensue, which will of course be temporary. 

I have long dreamed of saving up the coin, going and getting top surgery, without having to tell anyone about it or contend with unrequited opinions until it was done, complete. And, you know, to keep a private medical procedure private. For most of my teens, twenties and thirties, I wanted to completely start, or restart, my adult life somewhere else, somewhere I don't have to interact with acquaintances who excuse themselves for misgendering me with 'I've known you your whole life/ x years' or or get offended and angry and reject the validity of my name and pronouns either with argument or scowling and walking away; repeatedly encounter many people who have hurt me, pitied me or relished my suffering; pervasive reminders of painful experiences like compulsory heterosexuality and being denied shelter locally because of my gender; the many ghosts of this town... but here I am. Moving isn't feasible, still: mostly because it's unaffordable. Also because I am just beginning to establish very-much-needed primary healthcare after going without for far too long; and am looking forward to building skills in the coming months that will help me build financial freedom and security and grow more valuable to my community... But I am presently -and persistently- so fed up with coping with this unwanted chest. I want to feel like me. And I don't want to be stagnant in my personal development because I am stuck in my hometown, at present.

As I round the corner on middle age I can no longer endure a life wherein the possibility of feeling happiness, freedom and contentment remains latent until a hypothetical time when my financial situation drastically changes! I know it's a lot because the possibility of my saving this much is currently way out of reach. But if 10,000 gave $1, we would meet our current goal. If 1,000 people donated $10, we would meet our current goal! If 100 supporters donated $50 and another 250 donated $20, we would also get there! Thanks for your consideration. Every bit of support means more to me than I have the words to say.

-ZEKE