Getting Something Off My Chest

Help me to get something off my chest... At some point my body started growing these two globules of tissue on my chest. It was a strange experience because I was very excited to see this growth happening to my friends' chests. But I wasn't particularly excited for mine. I've carried them around with me for a long time, but now it is time to remove them. I am raising money to pay for my FTM chest masculinization surgery with Dr. Medalie in Cleveland this coming spring.

In this surgery the breast tissue is removed and a masculine-looking chest is constructed. Transgender surgical procedures are currently still regularly excluded conditions for insurance and so my health insurance will not pay for any of the expenses related to the surgery.

But, Yannik, is that surgery really necessary?

It's true not all trans people choose to seek access to surgeries. That does not make them any less the gender that they tell us they are. For others surgically altering one's body is a major relief and improvement of their mental health.

Many transmasculine people bind their breasts. A breast binder works according to the inverse principle of a bra. Think "press down and in" instead of "push up and out." A binder is made from material that is as little elastic as possible and then, after one wrestles it over one's upper body, it presses the breast tissue against the body to flatten it as much as possible. Basically I wrap myself with polyester every morning and take it off at night as I pull my pajama top over my chest with a little sigh.

For most trans people who bind, binding is both uncomfortable, sometimes even painful, and necessary for managing their anxiety and depression around their breasts, a feeling called body dysphoria. I know it can be a difficult experience to imagine for cisgender people. It is not just being a bit unhappy with how this or that part of our bodies looks and how far we fall short of the ideal (and unrealistic) body images that the media throw at us all the time. Dysphoria is the feeling that there is something deeply wrong with one's body, but also deeply unchangeable.

Not all transgender people experience body dysphoria, although it is a common experience for transgender people. It certainly is my experience. It is not just about how one is seen by others. It never goes away. One falls asleep with it, one wakes up with it. Compressing one's chest tightly offers a little relief.

So... I want to get this surgery because I want to know what it feels like to walk around in the summer and feel the warm wind in my face without worrying about how the breeze from the front makes my t-shirt reveal my breasts.

I want to get this surgery because I want to know what it feels like to fall asleep without swatting away the nightly sigh over feeling my breasts as I turn around in bed.

I want to get this surgery because I want to know what it feels like to wake up and not to automatically cross my arms in front of my chest in order to compress my breasts a little bit and stop myself from feeling them move too much as I stumble out of bed.

I want to get this surgery because I want to know what it feels like not to diligently avoid seeing my naked upper body in the mirror.

I want to get this surgery because I want to know what it feels like to just have a body rather than one's body's constant sadness.

I want to get this surgery because I want to know what it feels like to move freely.

I appreciate any support that you can provide. No donation is too small. And if you can't donate anything right now, I understand and I appreciate any form of material or immaterial support. Good thoughts, smiles, and hugs always welcome. Except right after the surgery hugs might be a little difficult :-)

I am currently waitlisted for the surgery for spring 2017 and I will post updates as I have more information.