Join to support my legal case

Hello world,

This is very out of character for me and for the first time I find myself in the situation where tables are turned around. I have made many donations and supported various people and causes financially, especially over the last 4 years. Today, I am in the situation where I need financial help, but frankly speaking not only for me. The battle I need to continue fighting goes beyond my needs. To explain, I am sharing the post I wrote in August 2023. It is difficult to think of any other way to share the story than copying and pasting what took a lot of emotional and mental power to write, followed by nightmares that I have each time I get to speak about the horrible event.

August 2023

"One year ago today I was #raped in #Lithuania. Although the legal vocabulary uses the term ‘an assault by penetration’ to describe the crime that was committed towards me and my body, what I felt on that day, that evening, goes way beyond the legal definition set up by men to classify the crime that is commonly committed by men.

The events of that evening will never leave my emotional memory, my mental memory and the memory of my body. They will stay with me for as long as I live. It's impossible to delete my human memory disk, however I am learning to live with less and less pain.

One of the hardest things to process was the feeling of self blame. As an advocate of #human #rights and a person who acts quickly when seeing an injustice committed towards others, it was difficult for me to comprehend the fact that an #injustice had been done to me and I was not able to protect myself. At the time, when my upper part of my body was tied up by ropes, I froze and then left my body, in what I now know as an unconscious reaction to the threat of being beaten up or violated even more, a primitive mode of survival which kicks in without asking any questions nor permissions.

After the rape, although my logical mind understood what had happened, at the conditioned level I blamed myself for #freezing, for not being able to act, scream or fight with my legs as they were not tied up and constrained with ropes. I had set such high standards for myself, that I decided to blame myself for not being 'perfect' in the way I 'handled' the situation instead of admitting what had happened to me. I did not want to believe and accept the reality, so instead I hid the truth from myself for about a week/week and a half until I spoke to my partner who grabbed me by the imaginary shoulders with his words and shook my inner being into reality. And even then I did not want accept what happened to me, it took two calls with the rape crisis centre in UK and in Lithuania to accept what had happened to me physically, mentally and emotionally.

When I finally made a decision to report it to the #police, around three weeks had passed. And so I understood right then why so many people do not report the crime straight away. What survivors go through internally, and why many end up never reporting rapes/sexual offences. I was very lucky. My sister and my friend not only went with me to the police for an arranged appointment after I had reported the crime via phone, but they also sat with me for the whole three hours as I was being questioned and had to go over the story at least three times.

I have seen first hand what a joke the process was, both with the #police, #prosecution and at a #legal level. There was a lack of understanding of basic human psychology when it comes to #traumatic situations. And this incapability was visible in the officers I was reporting the crime to, an investigator, all the people I had to deal with who were connected to the prosecution and all people who have been reviewing and processing my case at the court and high court level.

Police were following the process that had been established based on existing law. And in Lithuania there is no law regarding consent, if you freeze or get raped while you are sleeping you basically 'consent'. Literally neither police, investigators, prosecution and court could not understand how one can freeze in a life threatening situation. The absolute basic primal reaction of a human being could not be understood by any of them. The investigator that was assigned to my case specialised in traffic accidents. I was speechless when I learned this. I received stupid and ridiculous questions which made me feel even worse at the time. No proper investigation was done, no questioning was done around the key points of that evening. Except I was continuously asked to go over my story again and again. The decision that was communicated to me by the prosecution, by the court and high court is that the rapist did not understand that he was doing something wrong. A rapist who asked no permission and suddenly decided to change the course of an event into something completely different than what was discussed, using the opportunity of me being disarmed, had no understanding that he was doing something wrong. This was the decision of those who are meant to 'protect' and 'hold people accountable'. In their eyes, I was not a perfect victim (beaten, torchered to the point that I would have visible marks on my body, etc.). In their eyes, I did not 'give enough signs' that would make a rapist understand that the rapist was doing smth wrong.

When I made the decision to report, I did not make this decision for me. I made this decision because I wanted to make sure that this does not happen to anybody else. I also knew that I did not expect much from the police nor the legal #system. I was not born yesterday, I know how this #patriarchal game works. I was prepared for all types of punches, from all different angles.

The fight is not over yet. Despite the dismissal from the high court (without any thorough investigation or assessment of my psychological state), I still have options which I am in the process of pursuing. And I will only stop until I have used my last chance. In the UK around 70% of sexual offences cases never make it to the court, some are dismissed by the police and in other cases survivors give up. They give up for obvious reasons. Around 1.6% of all reported cases end up with the perpetrator being recognized as guilty in the UK. In a country like Lithuania I can imagine that many survivors don't even report because of deeply rooted stereotypes, shaming and humiliation that is being practised within the social context by all genders (I would hope not by the queer community).

There were plenty of horrible moments I had to go through from the moment I decided to report the crime. But one thing that kept me strong and going were the very few people that were there to support me. My sister, my friend in Lithuania and my partner. Who stood by my side physically and emotionally. Who believed in me, who encouraged me and who were there for me. A few friends who when learning about this whole nightmare have been checking on me, were not afraid to reach out, ask, listen, understand and support me. Thank you Minke Dreef and Sinka Adam.

The days where I cried laying on the floor, randomly bursting into uncontrollable tears while walking on the street, showering or trying to do anything that has had to do with day to day life have passed. I can tell you this was a very lonely and a very painful journey. It made me think of so many people in my life who have gone through heartbreaking situations and I was not conscious or thoughtful enough to be there for them."

.... have not processed this trauma yet. In many ways, psychologically, I am blocked. Something within me does not allow me to fully access my trauma and process it. I know that this will take time. I am grateful for the yoga teacher training I have been doing since September. During the training, we have been reading books about trauma and the knowledge I've gained helped me to manage my state in a way I would have not been able to otherwise.

My fight is not over and I hope that beyond this case I can also support people in Lithuania such as Morgana Danielė who is currently doing important work and trying to bring changes to the law in a country that has not changed its laws regarding sexual crimes since the USSR. A country that despite what happens always blames a person who was assigned female at birth (AFAB), a country that still needs to dismantle its deeply rooted stereotypes and conditioning around sexual and physical abuse towards AFAB people, those stereotypes that stem from patriarchal and religious indoctrination that has instilled the norms and a subtle hatred towards AFABs."

There is more to the post and if you would like to read it in full you can find it here

Since I have reported my case to the police, my appeal to prosecution was rejected twice. Together with the lawyer we have appealed to the Higher Court and my appeal was also rejected twice. The option we have left is to get a psychological evaluation performed by an expert recognized by and accepted by the court. Once that is done we have two options:

1. Re-appeal with evidence

2. Open a civil case

In a case such as mine, because there is no physical evidence, the only way to prove that the crime was committed is through psychological, mental and emotional trauma.

I don't want to open a Civil Case, which basically means that I am going after the money for the damage caused. What I want is for the person to be prosecuted for the committed crime, I do want to receive the return of the money that I had to pay for my legal, medical and therapy work. But most importantly, I want to fight and win so that I can raise awareness and influence changes in the Lithuanian legal system. Although "in 2013, Lithuania signed the Istanbul convention, Europe’s landmark treaty to combat violence against women. A decade later, the document has still not been fully implemented through ratification. Meanwhile, new data reveals that gender-based violence in Lithuania is on the rise, with a glaring lack of support systems for victims of sexual abuse." (https://www.europeancorrespondent.com/istanbul-convention-lithuania)

Where I need support and help is to cover upcoming legal costs and expert evaluation for me to take the next steps and re-appeal with evidence. At this stage of my life I am earning only enough money to cover my living expenses, bills and so I no longer have financial means to fight this on my own. So far since I began the process in September 2022 I have spent:

What support do I need to continue with next steps:

So I need support to cover €7,500 of costs necessary to take next steps + cover the

2.9% charge from go fund me will apply (€217.5), bringing the total to €7,718.

Depending how this will all unfold and depending on my future financial situation, I might need more support... But these are the first steps needed to continue rolling the ball.

If you have the means and opportunity to give, please join my fight. If I win, the money that has been donated will be shared with somebody/those who is/are in need to support their sexual assault and rape case anywhere in the world.