And so, yes, I have stayed away from him to keep him safe. No talk. No text. No phone calls. No nothing. Silence. I feel a little psychotic, so if I yell at you or say a bad word it’s not about you. I guess I should change that ‘I feel fine.’ No I don’t feel fine. I feel like there is a hole in my heart.
Today. New nurse. Never worked with David before today. That alone is so very irksome. It’s just unproductive to say anything really. Especially on the phone.
I called the charge nurse. Not to tattle tale but to appeal to her compassionate side. In summary: 38 days! 7 days away! A NEW nurse. His birthday! No talk text face time!! We miss him! Have a heart! Please?
She was in a meeting but promised to get back with me after.
In the meantime, One of my Doc’s office girl suggested I get a friend to visit and FaceTime.
And so I responded ‘BRILLIANT!!!’
Hmmmm. I will call the nurses station and inquire who is there. I’ve made some very good friends being there all day.
Jose answered. He is a nurses assistant or something like that. Days when tears are run and pokes and profs and X-rays etc... he has always been the one to smile a day kind words. Compassionate words.
Jose. An ally. Can you go to David’s room and let us FaceTime? ‘OF COURSE!’ says he. ‘But will you get in trouble? I would not want that.’ He wasn’t sure if he would or not but we would keep it on the hush hush just in case. Lips sealed.
And so, for about five minutes we saw him. He looked tired. But he looked happy. He smiled. We asked yes and no questions, wished happy birthday and said I love you a million times. It was heaven!
So we said our goodbyes that we didn’t want to say. And huddled together and cried. And cried. And cried. And then cried some more.
The story only gets better. A few hours later I got a call from the hospital. We were in the car running an errand. I assumed it would be the charge nurse but instead it was the speech pathologist. ‘David wanted me to call you the learning process of how to speak again. He will be speaking very slow and would need to pause and breathe between each word and not to be alarmed at how he sounds.’ And then she put the phone by David’s mouth and he began to speak. DROP THE MIC!
Hannah..............Matt..........Jono.......Shelli .......I ...... love........ you........ very ........ much....... he was worried about my fever. He said stay........away.......from.......hospital......they.......admitted.......30..........very.......sick.......people.....today.......
Ok. He said a few things more. It was him. He is in there. At one point he breathed longer. I could tell he was getting tired. I said,’Is this a prank call?’ He laughed and said, ‘Your .........funny...........
His voice sounded similar to Darth Vader. The inspiration to my title.
We are tired. We are heavy. It just goes on and on and on. And then we get a little crumb of hope. And in that moment we are satisfied but as the moment passes, we want more. We want the whole cookie. Not just a crumb. I stomp my foot down with a sad and fussy face. I’m like a spoiled child always wanting more. And I don’t really care if it’s wrong. Maybe I will tomorrow, but today I just want more, more, more.