“Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.”- Brené Brown

Vrinda came into my life with lots of love and a little bit of science when I decided to have her as a single parent by choice. Having survived an abusive marriage I decided to write my own story and create my happy ending. While I have been raising a beautiful 5-year-old boy solo, my family never felt complete. After going through an arduous journey via IVF I was blessed with 7 embryos- only one of which was a girl. I longed for a daughter- perhaps it was my selfishness to get a redo in life. I wanted a daughter that would thrive without societal expectations or the weight of traditions. I wanted the opportunity to give this life everything in the world- I wanted to raise a strong, confident woman- something that I was not. I was told during the time of embryo transfer that the one female embryo I had was not the strongest. I decided to transfer her as well as a male embryo, hoping at least one would take. Both embryos were successfully transplanted. I was able to carry both to full term (37w5d)- was told during my last OB visit she had stopped growing for nearly 3 weeks. I had an urgent c-section and Vedant and Vrinda were born. I was told Vrinda had a cleft palate, I would require a specialty bottle. Vrinda failed to grow let alone thrive, I struggled for weeks during every feed. I pumped breast milk every moment I got and spent hours on every feeding with her while she barely took an ounce of milk. Her lips would turn blue, I couldn't lay her flat because she would gasp for air. She was using all of her chest muscles to breathe, I would see her pulling at the muscles in her neck for every breath. I went to her pediatrician multiple times, reached out to the cleft team multiple times, and found a second pediatrician only to be given the runaround. I was told to supplement my breast milk, and that there is nothing wrong. For 12 weeks she slept on my chest and I slept on a chair.

Maternity leave is unpaid and 10 weeks flew by-I had to go back to work. I wasn't sad to go back to work, I was afraid. I was afraid I would find her blue and cold. It's such a terrible feeling, to constantly be afraid. She wasn't eating, she wasn't breathing. I was failing her.

I took her to a speech and swallow therapist- was told she was aspirating. She was nearly 3 months old but couldn't tolerate a premie bottle. I was told she needed emergency admission. Vrinda was diagnosed with PRS (Pierre robin sequence) which consists of a small lower jaw (micrognathia), a tongue that is placed further back than normal (glossoptosis), and blockage (obstruction) of the airways. Vrinda needed emergent surgery where her jaw was broken, rods were placed with screws in the back of her jaw to gradually screw forward. Vrinda is in the ICU on a breathing tube, she has a long medical journey left. I financially can't afford to take time off of work. During the hospitalization, I found out that the hospital is out of network with my insurance plan. Being an independent contractor, I have to buy insurance from the marketplace- unfortunately this insurance is terrible. Premiums and out-of-pocket costs are high with very little coverage. I have accrued about $100,000 in bills at this time and we have another 4-week hospital stay as Vrinda is still on the vent. She will need to stay in the hospital as her jaw is pushed forward to allow her to breathe and eat. I have been working nights and have been going straight to the hospital after work to be with her.

I never thought I would be in a position where I would be asking for help, being a professional and an intentional single parent I thought I could do it all and perhaps I can, just not right now.

There are so many emotions when having a sick child- fear, pain, anger- but I will say this all has humbled me. It's given me the grace to ask for help and more importantly accept help. I love Brene Brown, this quote is so fitting- “We don’t have to do all of it alone. We were never meant to.”

Please keep us in your prayers.