So I have been considering this for a while... seeing friends go through hardships and tragedies reaching out for support, and realised that I am now 2 plus years into this no van story with not so much light... And that perhaps it's time to reach out and ask for some support, telling my story in the process.

I first got a van by busting my absolute ass when I arrived in abundant Australia... A red Mazda winnebago which I travelled around the country... It gave me so much healing and confidence after frankly a very hard time. The first home I had ever owned, and after the year was up - having it towed the last leg back to Perth, I had managed to get it fixed up and sold to 3 French guys giving me enough money to buy my van back in the UK.

A dark blue Toyota Hiace pop top - I was in love.

It was really hard to throw myself off into Europe the first time - heartbroken and really not sure where I was going or what I was doing.... I ventured off, healing myself on beaches and the adventure of just driving and exploring, whilst trying to figure out my traumas and my inner pain. Somewhere along the way I had found breathwork and slowly started investing in learning many modalities of healing, until finally qualified enough, the van gave me the opportunity to work in many places, festivals, sharing what I had learned... inspiring others, holding ceremonies in many countries, following the wind but also working damn hard, in and out of the UK - round and round Europe.... My van made things easy, even though sometimes the struggle was real, expensive breakdowns as she was very old and many difficult journeys... Yet she was my base and my support, my sanctuary and my refuge.

I took myself to Poland many times to learn more breathwork and to retrace the steps of my ancestors... I healed so much and was also able to help so many others heal - by putting on my ceremonies from Portugal to Croatia, from Greece to Krakow.... It was a very hardcore life, tiring yet inspiring mission that I am truly thankful for.

When covid came - I had already retreated to the UK to be close to my Grandma who was getting quite old and frail... I moved my work online and locally with the inspiration to focus on helping my community, to heal my roots, to shift the energy right here in middle England where life is just bloody tough.

I put on many ceremonies, sometimes people got it, sometimes they were full, sometimes people reminded me of why I left in the first place - yet I persevered because I knew people needed the work I was offering. I believed in the heroes journey, not just to run off and learn - but to bring it back and to serve.

My van ended up being a bit of a local run around as money became tight and travel limited over those years... Post lockdown when things started to lighten up again, the prices had soared - for the ferry crossing, for my insurance and for the road cover. When I finally had enough money to return once more to Europe I was on a high.... Traveling through Germany in the crazy heat - and going to work at my best friend Jessies festival in Czech Republic. I was in heaven in my van but maybe I had already made a big mistake.

I know and believe God makes no mistakes and all journeys and experiences are to teach us, and maybe I was so desperate to travel again and get back to my nomadic life that I cut corners.... Trusting people I shouldn't, assuming they did the job they said they would do, rather than listening to the clues that told me differently.

I was told by my tire guy it didn't look like it had been serviced properly, but of course it had I trusted, maybe I wasn't paying enough attention.

I decided to cut back on the European breakdown cover because my old company had gone up by hundreds, rather than taking the time to find another.... yes I feel I was stupid, naive, careless.

Then when it was time to travel across Europe to go to work in the Boom - a dream I had carried since starting my breath ceremonies... I listened to a so called friend who wasn't putting my best interests first, and waited far to long for him to finish what he wanted to do I Czech, leaving very little time to travel across to Portugal - a 30 something hour drive.

He had assured me don't worry, he's a good driver, had a licence, would share with me - all bullshit looking back, and I shouldn't have been so trusting.

In my mind I was tired to drive so far alone, and wanted to save on petrol (when in the end it cost me so much more this silly mistake).

Turns out he didn't even have a licence, but I wasn't to know that yet - When we finally left, he ate San Pedro and smoked weed in the passenger seat then crashed out in the back of the van for 12 hours whilst I drove solidly in silence.

I had driven a million times across Europe, I knew how long it took and I could do it and find a way to pay for it so in hindsight I regret everything.

I continued to let him sleep as long as I could, appeasing this so called friend so that he would feel fine to drive, and when he finally woke up I was dead.

He jumped in the front and wow he could barely drive straight. After smashing my headlight early on, getting us lost n the middle of nowhere with no gas, having to then drive us backwards to find some... It was just nightmare after nightmare.

In the end I was driving as I didn't trust him and we had already argued because of his incompetence and me pushing myself way over my limits energetically, with barely no time to get to boom and prepare my energy to hold 2 huge ceremonies for hundreds of people.

I felt quite often people don't realise the discipline it takes to drive long hours alone to then jump into a festival and work, or to anyway hold ceremonies and space how I do. And here was another example... He was totally put out of sorts because I was angry with him, shaming me for being angry, so irresponsible and unaware of how making me so late and then not helping had burdened me.

Once we reached half way he suddenly full of beans went on to host a temazcal (a Sweatlodge) for some friends in the south of France he had promised.

Me - well I had to sleep, I was shattered... he couldn't understand why I didn't want to join in the healing ceremonies, once again shaming me without realising how draining the 15 something hour drive had been and what I had to prepare for, I joined in one round but really I just needed to recover.

As the night came in I had another friend jumping in on the ride and we were both waiting for this guy once more to finish his work so we could continue the journey, well late into the night.

Why do I this to myself? I was thinking, trying to appease and please and bend over backwards for others who clearly couldn't give a f*ck about me.

We left late at night - he slept again, surprise surprise.. until I ran out of gas (metaphorically) and had to sleep.

After sleeping some hours then driving again, I got to the point where I really could not drive any further... So agreed to let this guy drive (my other friend didn't have a licence or know how) - I mean it was a straight road, what could go wrong. But as the journey went on, half an hour or more in, began a gradual climb up towards Spain. This friend couldn't work the automatic gears well and revved it up the hill destroying my gearbox breaking down on the motorway.

Not only did I not have breakdown cover I had no idea what to do, this is not a small job and basically was the start of the end of my beloved van.

This guy (now ex friend) was chatting in Spanish to my friend about let's just go get a flix bus, totally uninterested in helping the situation.

We paid to have it towed to a morrocan garage who was going to try his best to help me, but that was it. I had to leave my van behind and head off to work in the boom, totally shaken, holding healing space for others when my whole life and home had been pulled out from under me.

Not only did this guy never even apologise, he never offered a single euro towards the repairs... which in the end was totally futile.

After boom I returned again and again and again and again... spent months and nearly years trying to fix this and that, try this and that, buying a gearbox, shipping it, flying my mechanic over, fixing the old gear box... just a bloody nightmare which never resolved.

I even got it back to the UK by hook or by crook, but by then I was so tired out, from being helped then told to do this then that to finally be told it's too rusted to fix.

I ended up selling for buttons and I still don't know if it was the right decision because I was getting lied to so much over this van, I just gave up.

Van and thousands on top down - I was energetically drained and I threw in the towel.

It felt like a big lesson in trust, in trusting myself and taking better care of myself and trusting people even less as the amount of backstabbing from supposed friends I received during that whole painful process was wild.

That was in the summer of 2023 - and I finally sold this spring.

It's taken me a few months since selling my best friend for scrap to really still try to process what has happened.

No matter how hard I tried, this old van couldn't be saved, the damage perhaps was already done.

With the shoddy service, the silly decisions and the time I lost faffing when I should have had breakdown cover.

Since then I have built another business as the healing world is still not where I thought it would be - working in markets around the UK/Europe.

So having rented vans and taken public transport now the past more than a year...

Having had to have rides, cut back on pushing healing ceremonies as it was literally killing me, having had to use public transport to death and walk endlessly to do shopping and what not....

I finally decided to do a fundraiser.

I was a little apprehensive about it, but having seen many lose their income, lose their vehicles to accidents I figured why not.

And also I have given so much of myself over the years - with not much to show for it, I figured if I cant reach out now - when can I.

This was my home, my life, my transportation....

I don't know why things had to go this way - life feels very cruel sometimes to realise who can and cant be trusted,

To realise how we don't take care of ourselves and the consequences of that, and the shoulda woulda coulda done it better.

But I need to get back on the road - Its simply too hard like this - I want to be in a position I can give back more and continue with my healing mission, but to get there I need to work, so I need to have a vehicle to do that.

So I have put out a donation for the price towards a new van to kick start me into buying one before next year.

My idea is to offer some things in exchange for any donations...

So -- If you are feeling flush and that you can help by donating then I would be forever grateful or if you feel as though you would support me with an exchange then here are some of my thoughts to offer for the donated amount :

£10 - My 'World in lockdown' book.

£15 - My 'Musings of a modern mind' book.

£20 - Hardcover of 'musings of a modern mind' book.

£25 - Both books.

£30 - 1 book and a crystal bracelet from Peru.

£40 - Both books and a crystal bracelet.

£55 - My breath ceremony recording.

£75 - My breath ceremony recording and a crystal bracelet.

£100 - Recording, both books, a crystal bracelet.

£150 - Recording, both books, a crystal bracelet & an online breathing space session.

£200 - Recording, both books, a crystal bracelet & a 2 hour online breathwork session.

£250 - Recording both books, in person 2 hour breathwork session and a crystal bracelet.

*and I can add more if there is interest.

I genuinely feel crushed by how things are in the world at the moment. Everyone at logger heads, broken friendships and hostility, and I know I have so much to give, but these years have truly had me in struggle to get to this point where I am reaching out. I want to inspire and hold space and give but for now it's me who is in need. So if you feel you can help - please do, even if it's just to share this fundraiser I would really appreciate. In the end - helping each other in times of need - well thats the kind of community I want to be a part of creating. It's what I have worked so hard for all these years and wish to continue doing so.

In advance to whoever may wish to donate - I really appreciate because every bit helps.

Heres to a better and brighter future for us all.

Lisa x