Urgent Help Needed for Disabilities

I’ve been putting this off for way too long. Partly because, truthfully, I wasn’t sure I’d be alive to need it. Partly because my cognitive and memory issues turn tasks like these into insurmountable obstacles. Partly because it’s just demoralizing and I’ve never had to do it. I still want to believe I’m an adult who can take care of myself, but the truth is right now I am not, and I can’t. And if I don’t figure something out soon my only options will be bankruptcy and having all my insurance and utilities shut off.

I haven’t been able to work for the last 8 months. I’ve always had physical disabilities but have thus far been able to support myself using my brain. I am no longer able to do this. My neuropsychological evaluation confirmed that my cognitive issues are the result of serious PTSD.

Since the death of my friend— the quadriplegic I helped caretake for since the mass shooting— I’ve been left with no distraction to keep me from finally confronting what happened to me and the ones I love. That suffocating depression and despair would be enough to functionally cripple me on its own; major trauma has the power to psychologically render us unable to take care of ourselves. If this were the only issue I might feel capable of clawing my way back to some light in the world. Unfortunately this psychological trauma has come paired with debilitating cognitive issues, and hope is a faraway idea.

I can’t manage tasks or remember things. There are entire chunks of memory simply wiped out of my brain. I struggle to retain information immediately given to me. I can’t process instructions or remember how to do things that were once simple (infuriating), I can’t handle what should be reasonable sensory inputs (isolating), I can’t verbally communicate anywhere near the way I could even 12 months ago (also infuriating). My brain malfunctions were in gradual decline for 2 years followed by a catastrophic nosedive in the last year.

I have a pending application into SSDI and hope that will eventually be processed and approved, but given the current administration’s hostility towards Social Security and Medicaid, I don’t know what to expect.

I’ve thus far survived on savings and credit cards. I’m now well over $25,000 in debt, with payments I can no longer make— which includes back taxes I didn’t know I owed. I cashed out what little there was in my OregonSaves retirement fund. I’ve sold many things that I own. I’ve enrolled in a low interest debt consolidation program but that’s not useful if there’s no money to pay, and I’ve already had to skip that for the last two months. I am already receiving SNAP benefits and hitting up food banks. I’m trying. I really am doing my best. It is hard.

I’ve got about another month before my savings is gone.

I’ve set this GFM goal at $15k because ideally I could take care of myself for a few months and get some breathing room on my accrued debt until I figure things out. I don’t know how to handle that part, the debt alone has put me in a hole I feel I’ll never get out of. Honestly, anything at all will help. I am most concerned with my immediate survival so I can stop panicking. Everything in excess of my immediate survival or beyond the goal goes towards my debt which also desperately needs relief. I'd make this fundraiser $30k because that's a more realistic number for putting a meaningful dent in this catastrophe, but that's a preposterous number to beg for, so $15k it is.

I don’t know what to do anymore. And I don’t know how long it’s going to take to regain any semblance of self-sufficiency.

“Didn’t you get a GoFundMe payout after the shooting three years ago?”

Yes, it was $30,000. I immediately donated $10,000 of that back to the local community to dozens of people with more immediate needs. Another $10,000 went to my lawyer. The last $10,000 paid off my credit cards. It is long gone and most of it didn’t go to me anyway.

It feels demoralizing to do this, but my therapist demanded I start asking people for help. So here I am. I need help. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m grateful for everyone who has been supportive. I’m looking for the light and I’m crawling towards it as best I can.

https://www.opb.org/article/2023/04/17/portland-oregon-normandale-park-shooting-victims-one-year-later/

https://forensic-architecture.org/investigation/the-murder-of-june-knightly