To receive inpatient treatment for Anorexia.

This is one of the hardest things for me to do, to admit that I need some help and support. As many of you know, I’ve struggled with Anorexia for nearly 20 years. Over the years I’ve had times of slight relief but it has never ever gone and the past year has been extremely hard.

This time last year I was hospitalised for over a week to get medically stable and then spent 8 weeks at Hollywood Private Hospital doing an inpatient eating disorder program - while this helped me regain weight and health there wasn’t enough focus on the psychological side. It wasn’t long after leaving that I slipped back and found myself back in Hollywood again in the May for another 6.5 weeks. When I left I did an online eating disorder outpatient program through the Butterly Foundation. Initially I found this helpful, however with a few life stresses and some sad news it wasn’t long before the eating disorder crept back in, and took control again.

I have a wonderful Team in Busselton who have always fought for me to get the treatment I need. There suggestion was I apply for ‘Wandi Nerida’ in Queensland. This is a description of it…

‘Wandi Nerida is a 13-bed private hospital facility that operates under a residential model of care for the treatment of those affected by eating disorders. It is owned and operated by the Butterfly Foundation and provides a safe, nurturing and healing environment for those most in need, delivering concentrated, person-centred treatment. The program provides a bridge between hospital admission and outpatient care to provide an opportunity for a more intensive psychological recovery, finding the ‘healthy self’ amidst the eating disorder.’

I have been accepted to go there, however it is extremely expensive. It’s a 63 day minimum stay. My health insurance will cover 1/3 of the cost and I received a financial aid bursary for a 1/3 of the cost, however it still leaves me with $31k to pay myself if I want to go.

I feel so embarrassed asking for help, but I genuinely believe this is the place that will help me say goodbye to this eating disorder for good and let me live a healthy, ‘normal’ life. I want to be able to fund it myself but I’ve not worked much this past year due to hospital stays etc. Any amount would be gratefully appreciated, but please don’t feel any pressure to give.

There is a huge part of me that doesn’t think I’m ’thin enough’ to get help, but as a wise lady once said ‘it’s not about weight, it’s about state.’ I’m really not in a good ‘state’ right now. I read this recently and I think it describes the challenge of an eating disorder…

Eating disorders are not all about food, weight and body image. They are associated yes, but not at the core of the problem. Eating disorders are ever entrancing mental illnesses that often stem from an inability to communicate pain, discomfort or rejection. They don’t occur because you simply want to lose weight, they develop because you are seeking a way in which to disappear, to numb, to disconnect. Recovery does not happen by fixating on this idea of loving yourself wholeheartedly, every day; but by being able to live despite not liking yourself. Living despite the maladaptive coping mechanisms and decades of unlearning habits and behaviours. Eating disorders are the only disease in which the poison and the cure are within the same person fighting the disease in the first place.

Someone said to me recently - you don't have to hold yourself together all the time, you're allowed to be upset or struggling. You don't have to fake a smile, you don't have to hold tears back, you can just let go and let yourself be held by others. I’m not very good at doing that, but I really need to start and this is the first step in doing that.

I really appreciate you taking the time to read this. Love you all, Emma xxx