To everyone outside of our home, our family seemed happy and healthy. We have two young beautiful children who bring smiles and laughter to everyone they meet. My husband acted like the perfect father, attentive, caring, and kind. He has always been well known and liked throughout the community and his place of work.

Behind closed doors, he was controlling, manipulative, and abusive. In our 21 years of marriage he determined who we could be friends with, how we spent our money, and he made me feel like I was incapable of doing anything myself. He always called me stupid in front of our kids, to the point where they started calling me the same every day. At this point, I knew my kids needed a better support system and pushed for us to move from Colorado to California. My husband and I talked saying that this could be a new start as Co-Parents and that we could come together to be better for each other and our kids. And for a couple months, this was true.

Yet again, common in our relationship, even as I grew further apart from him, he quickly made me believe I was loved and positive changes could be made. But in time, the abuse came back, and this time worse than ever before. As the pressure of moving, starting a new job, and being a dad and husband, his anxiety quickly led to anger. His behavior became more erratic, leaving the house in the middle of the night for hours at a time with no explanation. He would come back ignoring us or yelling at us. He became more controlling and more isolating. His outbursts in Colorado had been at night when the kids were asleep, but now they were regularly witnessing him verbally assaulting me. My daughter had to watch her Fathers eyes turn black with rage and her Mother being thrown against the wall during an argument. Both children witnessed him pulling me out of our vehicle by my jacket as I tried to stop him from verbally and physically abusing them in a busy parking lot. My kids and I were afraid of who he had become in such a short time. I knew I had to do something, but I was trapped by his lies, lack of money, resources and the debilitating controlling fear and mind set he had me believe of myself.

I was left crippled by his words, physically bruised, cut, hit, sexually assualted and continuously laughed at. He began sleepwalking only to my room shortly after he had opened up to me about being suicidal and having a plan. He had never done this in our marriage as we continued to sleep in separate rooms my continued lack of sleep became my survival mode . I would wake up to him pacing back and forth at the foot of my bed with both hands on his head like he was contemplating something. The final visit to my room late one night that awoke me was the sight of him opening the closet door in the master reaching up to his gun safe. In the weeks that followed he became someone I could not recognize or even fathom was the same person I met at 17.

Late one night in December, when my abuser was out, my kids came to me and told me of the abuse they had experienced behind closed doors. I had rescued them numerous times shaking with heart palpitations at his terrifying levels of discipline with biting and cold showers, haunted by screams for help I can still hear. That night I saw the same fear and sadness in their eyes that I myself had seen in the mirror many times before. I knew then I had only one choice-to leave as quickly as possible and never look back. With no lock to my door even after we had discussed it for me to feel safe at night, I resorted to propping a night stand up against the door to buy us time. In nothing but our pajamas with no phone or keys and fearful of when he could return I immediately took the only opportunity I felt I had to stop the abuse. I put my sweaters on them and while holding them both on my hips I ran out the slider into the backyard fleeing our home. I flagged down a community security patrol who then called dispatch and the Sherriff department that later reunited us with my family that had come to our rescue at 4 in the morning to the station. We were finally safe. He never did report us missing or contact anyone to find out our whereabouts that night. He texted friends the following day that the kids and I were out of town before ever confirming where we had disappeared to. We stayed for the next couple weeks with family. During this time, I took the opportunity to stay up every night after the kids went down to type every detail over the last year to fight for our safety, happiness and survival. I filed documents for an emergency restraining and move out order, and filed for divorce while retaining full custody of my children. I filed within days of leaving and had it granted in 3 days and served that same afternoon. His guns were seized and our home was finally free from his presence.

Since then, my kids and I have begun to build a life for ourselves as normal as possible. We returned home after putting in security measures, but sadly we still continue to find ourselves only able to use half of the house with all the lights on, because of the memories of trauma these walls have held in such a short time. Quickly, notices began to pile up of past due bills, utilities set to disconnect and accounts that I learned had been opened in my name in the course of our marriage. I took the two credit cards I knew of and maxed them out for a retainer on the best family law attorney I could find that was ready to fight the battle with us.

During this time my soon to be ex husband has diverted all incoming money to a separate checking account I do not have access to. As a stay at home Mother that has not been working consistently since 2016 I began to feverishly search for resources for us. I have had to rely on applying for pending services like MediCal, Calfresh, Calworks and CalVCB. Immediate support has come with the help of local food pantries and therapy through the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) and REACH formerly C.A.S.A (Center Against Sexual Assualt of Southwest Riverside County). All in the fight to prove that they are heard, believed, loved and supported by a parent capable and determined to find any and all resources to feed them and provide them with the necessary professional support to cope with the trauma he inflicted on us.

I received notice that I owe payment to the lawyer who has tirelessly been helping us on this journey. She has been an amazing comfort to our family and has successfully petitioned the court to extend the Child Protective Services investigation, domestic violence restraining order, and monitored visits. Without a job and no funds for childcare I am searching for all the ways I can get our story heard and offer the life I promised my two kids the night we agreed to leave.

I have until April 10th to find $5,700 to pay the lawyer fees and retain her service in hopes of providing my children the best possible future. Further searching for funds before our water and power are expected to shut off, displacement of our home with the mortgage not being paid and vehicle maintenance lights that are also reminding me of the attention needed and lack of funds I have to address them. I am asking for any kind of donation to help us on this journey to recreate a life we can feel safe and whole in.

Their Father has traumatized us all and held a level of anger and deception I could never fathom to be true. He is restrained with a stay away and no contact order for myself and the kids aside from the 3 hours they are court ordered to see him. I have not spoken to him since the evening in December well before the kids and I left and I just recently saw a glimpse of him as I sat in the protected front row of the court and he sat glaring at me in the back restrained area. He continues to deny all charges even with photographic proof and is adamantly petitioning for full custody even as he currently offers no support for our daily living, but has prioritized funds once a week to pay for his 3 hour monitored visit.

I cannot as a Mother let it go any further without the fight of my life.

They are my life.

I believe my kids and with everything in me I know a brighter future is finding us one day at a time.

Thank you for reading our story and providing us with the hope and support in our time of need. To brighter tomorrows for the bravest littles these eyes have ever been privileged to see.

Update 9.21.23:

I hope this can be shared to continue to support this uphill climb.

I found out yesterday our vehicle will be repossessed within the week and we need to vacate by November 1st, without any security of housing set for our next step. The housing options I have are lotteries and various foundations I am also working with already have a mountain of other applicants in need. The one dedicated case manager for housing I had just quit on Monday.

I have looked into local DV for women and children safe houses/shelters that can buy us 90-180 days or once in a lifetime voucher for 16 consecutive days at a hotel, but I am asking for any and all resources to help us. Without full support/alimony my ability to afford much is extremely limited no matter how much I do to change it. Especially after the little funds I did have were stolen last month and I am told I won't see it for 3-6 months if I do. I am grateful to be back in college to finish my degree in hopes that long term we can be more stable, but in the mean time we are up against more than I can feasibly manage. I appreciate sharing our story if nothing else for housing resources and connections that could help us.

Thank you ❤️❤️❤️

Still determined as ever for our safety and promise of better days ahead!