The Living Dumpster Fire and My Quest to Survive

So, amazing people in my life, it has come to this. Many of you know I’ve been struggling the past couple of years and unable to work full time because I discovered I was an EXTREME diabetic and it had never been caught. You would think they would have caught that when I had my entire large intestine removed several years ago due to ulcerative colitis, but no. I kept getting sicker over the past four or five years, with extreme dizziness, blurry vision, unmanageable fatigue, weight gain, crippling weakness, my feet turning purple and my ankles and calves swelling, high blood pressure, constant racing heartbeat, and overall general malaise, not to mention the leftover colitis junk.

Basically, physically I have been in misery and pain every day. That coupled with my depression, ADHD, anxiety and overall insanity, I have been struggling month to month on my own. My husband left me because he couldn’t “deal with it” and I’ve been relying on the people in my life, the little jobs and gigs I can do, and blind faith. I live in fear every month just to pay my bills and rent and medication. My health is at a standstill because even with insurance I can’t afford the copays and some of the tests they need to do aren’t totally covered. And any expenses that come up, like car troubles, new glasses, if anything happens to my phone, vet appointments, my property tax… these are all things I have had to push to the side.

That being said, I’m resilient and I’m doing my best. This past winter was the worst ever and I would go weeks being unable to leave the house. My friend Scott was and continues to be my hero and has come to my rescue when I’m unable to physically stand and get trapped in bed. He gets my groceries for me still and takes care of things around the house that I can’t. But… recently I’ve been feeling better.

I still can’t work a “normal” job but I never have and my training is in acting/theatre/improv, psychology/counseling, makeup/styling, and animal care and rescue. I recently lucked into a substitute teaching job at Young Audiences for theatre that turned into me taking over the class for the semester, which turned into being made a teaching artist for summer and fall. They liked my proposed ideas for curriculum I would teach and all of a sudden, I have a part time job, which is perfect because I do still have bad days when I literally can’t do anything. I have booked a few makeup jobs, play readings, commercial work, and other random things that I am capable of. I’m quite proud.

However, I still need help, desperately. Although I’m thrilled that things are finally getting better, it takes time. And money doesn’t start pouring in immediately, especially since I started in a hole. I’m simply asking for help. I have applied for disability and I work little jobs along with teaching as much as I can find. I still have big dreams and I’d like to get well so I can continue. But I can’t even pay the basic stuff every month. It’s frustrating to be so full of potential and having your body betray you to the point of being able to care for myself alone. I have no family in the position to assist, my ex refuses to help, and the main chunk of help I was getting to scrape by unfortunately can’t do it anymore. So I’m really in trouble, as in losing my insurance, home, everything. No one can do it alone but I have been trying. I try not to complain because some have the view that I should be able to push through and deal with it because they (insert problem here) did it so why can’t I? If you don’t have a chronic illness I cannot explain to you how debilitating and humiliating it is to want to be out there and being unable. Trapped by your own body.

I am tired of apologizing for being sick. I am not seeking handouts. I’m not lazy. I have a beautiful life with wonderful people and my herd of bizarre animals that have ended up with me. And before you say that I should get rid of them, they go where I go. We are a family, they are my heart, and I’m still desperate to find my missing piece because no one gets left behind.

I am asking for help in the coming months as I play catch up and work more. I need my health too. I don’t want to take advantage, get rich easy, lay around doing nothing. Although I probably can’t pay everyone back, I’m a strong believer in paying it forward. My goal is to get to the point where I can be comfortable and not live in fear every month of losing everything. I’m no more deserving than anyone else and I’m humbled by so much that I’ve already received. Please, just help me get by since I’m improving every day. I am worth it, I’ve discovered and I refuse to give up on my life because I got sick. I have a lot left to do; I just need a little help to get there.