The Journey with Jess
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The Journey with Jess - Sisters on One Last Adventure Together
Few people can understand the relationship my sister Jess and I had. For us, the "sibling sixth sense” meant we would call each other at the same time and get busy signals, we would dream about the same things even when we were miles apart and we could feel each other in times of crisis. With a brief glance at one another we would start hysterically laughing or crying at the same thing. We had a million inside jokes, a million songs we sang to, a million quotes we highlighted and shared. We wrote each other letters and called each other from phone booths all over the world. No one could make me more mad or more joyful than her. As with any deep, life-long love, comes the ability to hurt and heal, which we did often with one another.
Jessica was more than my sister, she also filled the void my mother left and became my champion and best friend as we raised each other. Jess was my safety net through years of trauma. I knew in my heart there was nothing I could do that would make my sister love me any less. Even if I had screwed up my entire life and became the worst version of myself, the moment I cried out for help, Jess would be there willing to fight for me in every way. It’s a privilege many people will never experience and although I sometimes took it for granted, I also often recognized how lucky I was to have her. As many of you know from my words at her service, if it wasn’t for Jess, I most likely would not be alive today. Even if I had survived the attack and years of subsequent abuse or homelessness that would most likely have followed, I certainly would not be the person I am now. Not only did Jess save my life, she shaped it from the very beginning, pushing me forward and reminding me what I was capable of.
Before I even open my eyes each morning I think of her and what she went through in her final hours. I am haunted by the way in which she was stolen from us. This morning, I awoke in the early hours of dawn from pain in my hands. I looked down and saw my nails had left deep imprints in my palms. I had been clenching my fists so hard while I slept, that they were sore and punctured. Each day, I find myself asking, how do I survive this? How do I keep breathing and make her proud? How can I embody the legacy she left behind? That’s when I hear her voice telling me exactly what I need to do.
Starting on Jess’ birthday, June 1st 2019, I will be embarking on one last journey with her. With great love and admiration, I will be taking her ashes to her favourite and most cherished places around the world. In each place I will be leaving a small piece of her, letting her rest in the earth and sea she loved so much.
This trip is for Jess, I have no doubt this is what she would have wanted me to do. The places I will be travelling to we discussed in person many times. These are places that held her heart, that she traveled back to, again and again. As well as places she was desperate to visit next. Luckily for me, she kept extensive journals, going all the way back to our childhood. She treasured the details. By following her words in those beautifully written pages, I will be retracing her steps over three continents. Making stops in 16 countries, 7 provinces and 5 states. This adventure will take some time to complete and most likely will be split into three large trips over the next year.
This trip is also for me, it’s a reason for me to keep going when everything seems so dark. To find a little light and connect with her in the places she loved the most. To feel her by my side once more in a time when I have never felt more alone in my life. This is my way of fighting the despair, of releasing my clenched fists as I sleep. I won't be able to let go of all her ashes, Kevin her fiancé and my father Randy, will also have a part of her forever. I find that incredibly comforting and it helps me push forward.
For those of you who were at her service or have reached out to me since, I want you to know how much your love for her has meant and continues to mean to me and my family. I would not have survived thus far without you. Jess was such a beautiful, strong, exceptional person. She fought so hard to live the life she dreamed of. She made so many of you smile and cry and feel heard everyday. From her journals I can tell you, she loved you and valued your friendship and adventures deeply over the years.
Many of you have reached out to me and asked how you can help. It’s always been difficult for me to acknowledge when I need help and close to impossible for me to actually ask for it. It’s been instilled in me that I can do anything and everything on my own. But the truth is, I have never in my life needed more help than I do now. I will be doing this trip no matter what, even if that means going into immense debt to do it. I run my own small business taking care of special needs animals which will also be shut down for the entirety of the trip, forcing me to essentially start over when I return. This financial loss will be great but I don’t view it as a choice. It’s what I have to do to live, to survive losing my person.
I will be chronicling my trip for you all through instagram @dogscatsplants. Please send me a direct message for live updates and videos. I want you to share in this journey with Jess and I, as we head out together one last time. Although I will be physically alone, you will all be with us. I encourage any of you who would like to join us along the way to do so. You can reach me by email at [email redacted] for details on the itinerary or just to chat. Any donations big or small are appreciated so deeply, far beyond words. I am not expecting to raise the total amount but any little bit helps. For all her friends reading this, please never forget how much she loved you, never stop hearing that laugh or seeing that smirk. Channel all that sass and charm she had in spades, and live. If you ever want to talk about her, please reach out to me, I am here. Thank you, love always – Lisa aka Lil Martin.
Few people can understand the relationship my sister Jess and I had. For us, the "sibling sixth sense” meant we would call each other at the same time and get busy signals, we would dream about the same things even when we were miles apart and we could feel each other in times of crisis. With a brief glance at one another we would start hysterically laughing or crying at the same thing. We had a million inside jokes, a million songs we sang to, a million quotes we highlighted and shared. We wrote each other letters and called each other from phone booths all over the world. No one could make me more mad or more joyful than her. As with any deep, life-long love, comes the ability to hurt and heal, which we did often with one another.
Jessica was more than my sister, she also filled the void my mother left and became my champion and best friend as we raised each other. Jess was my safety net through years of trauma. I knew in my heart there was nothing I could do that would make my sister love me any less. Even if I had screwed up my entire life and became the worst version of myself, the moment I cried out for help, Jess would be there willing to fight for me in every way. It’s a privilege many people will never experience and although I sometimes took it for granted, I also often recognized how lucky I was to have her. As many of you know from my words at her service, if it wasn’t for Jess, I most likely would not be alive today. Even if I had survived the attack and years of subsequent abuse or homelessness that would most likely have followed, I certainly would not be the person I am now. Not only did Jess save my life, she shaped it from the very beginning, pushing me forward and reminding me what I was capable of.
Before I even open my eyes each morning I think of her and what she went through in her final hours. I am haunted by the way in which she was stolen from us. This morning, I awoke in the early hours of dawn from pain in my hands. I looked down and saw my nails had left deep imprints in my palms. I had been clenching my fists so hard while I slept, that they were sore and punctured. Each day, I find myself asking, how do I survive this? How do I keep breathing and make her proud? How can I embody the legacy she left behind? That’s when I hear her voice telling me exactly what I need to do.
Starting on Jess’ birthday, June 1st 2019, I will be embarking on one last journey with her. With great love and admiration, I will be taking her ashes to her favourite and most cherished places around the world. In each place I will be leaving a small piece of her, letting her rest in the earth and sea she loved so much.
This trip is for Jess, I have no doubt this is what she would have wanted me to do. The places I will be travelling to we discussed in person many times. These are places that held her heart, that she traveled back to, again and again. As well as places she was desperate to visit next. Luckily for me, she kept extensive journals, going all the way back to our childhood. She treasured the details. By following her words in those beautifully written pages, I will be retracing her steps over three continents. Making stops in 16 countries, 7 provinces and 5 states. This adventure will take some time to complete and most likely will be split into three large trips over the next year.
This trip is also for me, it’s a reason for me to keep going when everything seems so dark. To find a little light and connect with her in the places she loved the most. To feel her by my side once more in a time when I have never felt more alone in my life. This is my way of fighting the despair, of releasing my clenched fists as I sleep. I won't be able to let go of all her ashes, Kevin her fiancé and my father Randy, will also have a part of her forever. I find that incredibly comforting and it helps me push forward.
For those of you who were at her service or have reached out to me since, I want you to know how much your love for her has meant and continues to mean to me and my family. I would not have survived thus far without you. Jess was such a beautiful, strong, exceptional person. She fought so hard to live the life she dreamed of. She made so many of you smile and cry and feel heard everyday. From her journals I can tell you, she loved you and valued your friendship and adventures deeply over the years.
Many of you have reached out to me and asked how you can help. It’s always been difficult for me to acknowledge when I need help and close to impossible for me to actually ask for it. It’s been instilled in me that I can do anything and everything on my own. But the truth is, I have never in my life needed more help than I do now. I will be doing this trip no matter what, even if that means going into immense debt to do it. I run my own small business taking care of special needs animals which will also be shut down for the entirety of the trip, forcing me to essentially start over when I return. This financial loss will be great but I don’t view it as a choice. It’s what I have to do to live, to survive losing my person.
I will be chronicling my trip for you all through instagram @dogscatsplants. Please send me a direct message for live updates and videos. I want you to share in this journey with Jess and I, as we head out together one last time. Although I will be physically alone, you will all be with us. I encourage any of you who would like to join us along the way to do so. You can reach me by email at [email redacted] for details on the itinerary or just to chat. Any donations big or small are appreciated so deeply, far beyond words. I am not expecting to raise the total amount but any little bit helps. For all her friends reading this, please never forget how much she loved you, never stop hearing that laugh or seeing that smirk. Channel all that sass and charm she had in spades, and live. If you ever want to talk about her, please reach out to me, I am here. Thank you, love always – Lisa aka Lil Martin.
Organizer
LC Martin
Organizer
Scarborough, ON