The Journey Continues - Medical & Living

First, to all of my family & friends I want to say thank you for all of the love, prayers and support you have showed us over the last 25 months…on this journey. I hope you will take the time to read this and I will try and keep it short…maybe shortish

 I have no words to convey my true feeling of the events of the last 5 days. I am just damaged & angry at the world and honestly God…I know as a Christian I should not feel that way….

 I am just tired, physically and mentally I have tried to take everything that has happened in stride and stood resolute in my believe this is all in Gods plan.  well He wins…I am just broken & angry…and have nothing left in me….25 months of events just one after another…that most folks will never have happen in a lifetime…I have put on a smile and gone about it…taking it all as just one more test….

Last Thursday honestly started this spiral for me of just tears that turned into raw anger…folks have said well it was just a Cyst that ruptured…for me it’s just one more thing….just being kicked when you were doing nothing but trying to recover….and doing it all on your own making it up as I have gone along because I couldn’t afford to continue PT after the 4th stroke…I have 78 approved sessions but couldn’t afford the co pays…so I struck out on my own doing the best I could….

 So many people have said you are so lucky it was just a Cyst that ruptured…to me it just 4 more weeks of being bed ridden with my foot elevated…. and in a walking boot…..which just sucks….so I want to share something I was simply going for a walk…I can only walk 12 to 20 steps at a time due the heart failure….it takes me 1 1/2 hours to go a mile…but I had been doing it…I am and do want to get well… and yet once again drop kicked…. so where is God in this….because I am at a loss…

 So here is the nail in the coffin that has just sent me over the edge…had a meeting yesterday with my attorney, social worker and SSDI office about the Disability Claim as we were coming up on the 1 year date of filing. Trying to move things along…and was told several things..well it was 355 days and now it’s moving out to over 400 days for review…the national average every where else in the US is 200 to 230 days….in what world is this right…??? I have worked for 42 years and can’t receive the help we need… not like I am asking for something for free or something I should be entitled too after paying into Social Security and Disability for 42 years….not that this will make us rich by any means but it will help us get down the road….I spoke with Congressman Garrett Graves and he launched a Congressional inquiry last month but he said it could take 120 to 150 days… in what world is this right….

 Folks over the last two years have said well Gods got a reason for you to still be here…He’s not done with you yet… and I have taken it all in stride and if this was just me that it effected..I could take it….but what truly sucks I have had to watch the life and joy get sucked out of Michelle, from telling me good bye because when the 2nd stroke happened I wasn’t expected to live….now with congestive heart failure my days are still numbered…it just kills me seeing how this has destroyed her… and she does it with a grace and faith that I have just lost…. Folks say well for better or worse and the whole in health in sickness thing… I just do not see God in any of this at the moment…I live well, let’s be clear yes I am alive but it’s more like I exist… I live as a recluse for a variety of reasons all due to my health and many things I simply have not shared…

 So I sit here saddened and embarrassed to have to ask for your help for us to simply survive one more time…this will literally about keeping a roof over our head and getting us down the road…6 more months. SSDI currently owes us  24 months of payments and says it will be 6 more months….how is this right our country is so broken…one person on the call quipped shame your not an illegal alien…you could get help in 60 days…. yet someone who has paid into the system gets screwed over….so here I sit frustrated & angry and yet nothing can be done. So I turn once again to family and friends for help. It just guts me to ask…but I have no other options at this point..options ran out some time ago…and just couldn’t bring myself to ask and say I needed help once again….Michelle said yesterday to me as I lay crying in bed…God has got this and her devotion that day was exactly all about that… and I know that because she sent it to me…yet for me for the first time in my life…I am just not so sure …

 Please help if you can large or small it all adds up and share this if you know folks who could or might… or companies who might…..

 Much love, Scott & Michelle