~ Help Me if You Can, I'm Feeling Down ~

this picture is from last month....from my hospital room. my 2022 has been bookmarked w/ two separate hospitalizations for kidney failure. it's been quite a year, probably my worst.

mainly i've been keeping this to myself like i was raised to, but this year i've lost my job, my home, and, twice now, almost my life. week after week after week i've wanted to tell you, but suffering with sound has always been harder than suffering in silence.

but here goes: between january/february/and march i lost my job, my home, and kind of much of my mind as i knew it. for the better part of 2022 i've had nothing in the way of money, which has meant fewer and fewer options. it's unnerving. i've advocated for the health and well-being of others for so long without ever being comfortable advocating for myself. now as a result i'm penniless and broken.

i've bounced all over the country this year (massive thank you to the # of roofs i've stayed under) and have made progress w/ some heavy truths. big ones like i'm not to blame for my complicated upbringing and that being healthy mentally and safe & sound physically are not solitary efforts.

on the bright side, i got into some brand new treatments this year. pharmaceuticals that treat and repair brain and body while having the side effect of helping the soul. i had to stop when the money ran out but wow(!!) was getting help from 21st century doctors better than leaning heavily into alcohol or nicotine or being a workaholic. now that i'm out of the hospital what i want most is a home and situation that keeps up the momentum of not going it alone. to monitor and improve my health a couple times a year instead of once a decade.

fresh starts and rebuilding are expensive no matter how much i want them not to be. i want to ask, this is my long-winded attempt to ask, could you help with my efforts to get a used car and a security deposit/first/last month's rent on a place to live? if you have some funds to spare, could you contribute to this? a home and transportation will help me to overcome this fear i wake up in the middle of the night with. your help will keep me taking my steps in the exact right direction.

so far over the pandemic i've lost five friends. including my surrogate mother. including two friends to suicide. i've spent too much of 2022 deciding between asking you all for help or being alone until whatever this is ends.

if you want to, and if helping me with my hardship doesn't increase yours, i could use all the help i can get. with funds. with vibes. with texts and reposts and DMs and private messages.

in fond friendship,

Jabari