Today I lost my best friend, creative partner, and muse. They suffered through far more bullshit than anyone I've ever known, and were still the most kind, generous, and compassionate person I've ever known. I did the best I could for them, but they deserved so much better.
We spent our literal last hours together sitting in their hospital room, watching Castlevania: Nocturne together. Binge-watching things together was our favorite thing, and so that's what we did today until about ten minutes before they came for the procedure. The procedure was supposed to be at 10:30am. They came at 3:45pm. We got to watch the entire season because of that delay, and finished our last show together.
I drove my chair to the elevator with them. I told them I loved them. They said that they loved me, too. I told them I'd see them again, soon.
And I did.
I was taken to the cath lab, where they were, after it was cleared for me to. I went in and put my head down beside theirs and cried. I told them that I loved them, that I'll always love them, and that I did the best I could for them and was sorry, because they deserved so much better than they got. I kissed the top of their head, and I drove home to an empty condo with two very loving dogs who have no idea what's going on and will take a while to realize Mom isn't coming home this time.
I dealt with organ donation stuff - irony of ironies, their corneas are being harvested to help others see. They were legally blind. That would amuse the shit out of them. Due to all their medical conditions, nothing else could be used for transplant. I donated some bits to science, and will cremate the rest. I talked to the one immediate family member I still care to (i get along fine with extended family), and then I let go of my mask.
Our girls licked me and comforted me, even if they didn't know what was wrong.
I sit here listening to Steely Dan, their favorite band, who at first I tolerated, then came to gradually, grudgingly appreciate. It makes it feel normal, here, as they played them a lot.
I'm literally alone, now. A quad with no one here to help me, but I'll get by. Pushing forward and surviving is all I know how to do.
I need help with Sylv's funeral costs and a cushion for me to survive while I get everything streamlined and can start working as a street artist on the Las Vegas Strip again. We're heading into the two worst two months of the year for working the Strip - January and February - on top of everything else, so I'll possibly need to be okay that long. I hope to get back to work when the F1 race is done, but have no idea how soon is realistic.
To answer a very obvious question - no. I don't get any government assistance for aid care. I lost it when Sylv got cancer and we had to start a GFM for chemo. Their chemo fund was considered "income" and I was dropped. I have to pay aid care, myself. The only possible way I could get aid care covered again is be able to somehow live on less than $2000 a month in modern society. The disabled are supposed to live at home with their families, or in facilities, or they're on their own. That's reality. I can't live with family, and I won't live in a facility. They're horrible, and no one should ever have to. Disabled people deserve the dignity and freedom of living independently like everyone else.
Tell your partners and friends you love them. I was incredibly lucky to have a last day with mine like I did. Most people never get that, and I'm acutely aware.
Be kind, love each other, and best wishes.