elliot's top surgery

Hi friends and family and anyone else that may come across this page. My name is elliot, some of you may know me by my former name: s----; if anyone doesn't know that or is interested in why- i'm here to explain a bit.

I have chosen to use the name elliot because i feel more comfortable with it. When i used my birth name i found that i struggled a lot to share it with strangers, customers, people taking my coffee/food orders et cetera- to the point where in a lot of instances i'd refuse to tell people my name. Which is strange behavior, but i felt so uncomfortable with it that i couldn't help it.

So, i changed it. Which has been a process, and it still is- most of my blood family members still use my birth name- but, one thing at a time.

Not only do i feel discomfort with my name, i have suffered immense body dysphoria since- welp- getting my period for the first time and UGH developing breasts. I kind of regret that last sentence but you know- going for the honesty route or whatever.

Basically, I need to have top surgery to live comfortably in my body and in life. Just doing normal things like going to the gym for example. Obviously i can't work out whilst wearing a binder. But going to the gym minus my binder is so, so difficult for me- i can't begin to describe the discomfort I feel without it. But with it as well.

If anyone here doesn't know what a binder is- it's basically something i wear underneath my shirt that flattens my chest- it works quite well- so well in fact that it makes it very difficult to breathe, it can bruise my ribs, it's essentially destroying my mammary glands and who knows what else.  It's really not healthy, and i've been using one everyday, all day, for many years.

So again, I need top surgery. For anyone that doesn't know what that is- it's a surgery that will reconstruct my chest to appear more male.

It's very common, a lot of (trans)guys have this surgery. It's not outlandish or rare, it's something that surgeons perform everyday. And I could have this surgery covered by my insurance company if i were a transman and on hormone therapy for at least one year- if that were the case my surgery would only cost me my co-pay of 15 dollars.

But i am not sure of my gender. I feel in between. And i always have. Neither male nor female. And that's okay. I feel that gender is not just male or female but so much more broader than that and i think it's normal to be neither or in between or male one day and female the next and neither another day. Sex and gender are two totally different things.

However, my insurance company disagrees with me. If i want my surgery covered, a "medical necessity,"  i must meet a few requirements such as "living as male" and i must be on hormone therapy (aka taking testosterone for at least one year).

I don't know what they mean by "living as male"- I dress "male", i have a "men's" haircut, i bind my breasts to the point they can't be noticed really, i wear men's underwear and pretty much always have, sometimes i soft pack because it makes me feel more comfortable, and sometimes i don't because it doesn't- it totally depends on how i feel that day in my body. So- living as male? I don't know. People misgender me every day, sir, ma'am, whatever. It feels like i'm being stabbed either way.

As for the hormones- I have no desire to do that. I don't want to grow a beard (even though i for sure would look good with one), i don't want my voice to lower or my facial features to change- these are a few things that would most likely occur if i were to take testosterone.

I just straight up don't feel comfortable labeling myself as male. I'm not. But i'm not female either. And to live comfortably in my skin I need to have top surgery. But without being covered, I owe $7,100.00

That's crazy. It makes me angry and sad and emotionally- i'm exhausted. Visiting with surgeon after surgeon asking me quite bluntly over and over, "how long have you been living as male for" and "how long have you been on testosterone for" and not knowing how to explain to a doctor that i'm neither and i'm desperately uncomfortable with my body... all while they have me remove my shirt and binder to photograph my chest... it's really hard.

I need help. I'm asking my friends and family for support- emotionally, and clearly financially.

The surgeon i am on my way to schedule with is doctor Jeffrey Rockmore based in Albany, New York. His surgery fee is $7,100.00  which is quite a bit less than other surgeons. I'm probably going to be out of work for 4-6 weeks. And i'm really hoping I can do this by the summer or fall of 2016.

Thank you all for taking the time to read this. Help me, Be angry with me. Share this with friends. I'm also going to need someone to help give me baths so if you think all i'm asking for is money- nope- there's so much more.


i love you all.

thank you 

elliot.