Sustaining Hope

This is going to be a bit of a novel, but bear with me or scroll to the bottom for the gist.

So if you don’t know me that well, I’ve been working in the service industry for over a decade. I never really had a choice in my career, and I’ve been mulling the thought of what my life would look like if that kid I was with big dreams hadn’t been lost in the haze of growing up in poverty and constantly stuck in survival mode. A haze that has slowly settled back over my life again.

The past two winters, a roommate of mine has suffered mental health issues, and in both instances I was left financially responsible as a result of their departures. This winter saw yet another abrupt roommate departure. Thankfully no crisis this time around, only better job opportunities. But nonetheless, I am once again left responsible for filling the room or buying out their part of the security deposit.

The initial roommate situation was three months of trying to care for someone experiencing psychosis, and the possibility of going through something like that again has my nervous system all over the place.

All the while I’ve been forced to confront the chronic pain and reoccurring health issues that have been popping up with more frequency as of late. But it’s next to impossible to address the underlying issues, when all of my energy is going into just making it through the day. When anytime I’ve sought out answers for what’s going on with my body, even just basic treatments…it’s financially ruined me.

I’ve been stuck in the loop of not being able to afford the time off work, but not being able to preform properly at work and lately just having to call out it’s

been getting so bad, going to the doctors and not being able to afford it, and then having to go back to work with no answers aside from take some Motrin.

Cycle continues.

I feel like I’ve lost a lot of the things that make me, me in the past couple years. I’ve given a lot of myself to other people and I’m not resentful or feel entitled to anything because of that, but it’s worn me down a lot. I work three jobs and it’s still not enough to survive on. I miss who I was when I had the time and the energy to cook and forage and write and make art and be politically involved. When I actually felt like “Hope”, when I could engage with people in a way that felt like it mattered somehow.

Because my jobs require a lot of customer interaction, I’ve become too good at putting the mask on and filing away the feelings until I’m off the clock. I’ve been well trained to say “I’m doing well thanks, how can I help you?” Even around my close friends/the people I love and trust, it’s hard to open up because I don’t want to be all Debbie Downer -womp wooomp- all the time.

I’ve worked on my feet and in customer service positions through some truly traumatizing things in my personal life, and that’s taken its toll on my physical and mental health over the past decade. Especially after the past couple years, it’s gotten to a point where I can’t shirk it off anymore. I need a break, I need time to process and heal, and I need a little help.

I don’t have a safety net, I don’t really have family to lean on financially, and I don’t really have many other options left aside from self immolating my life here, moving somewhere more affordable and rising from the ashes. But I’m tired of burning myself out and I may have made myself from nothing, but I wouldn’t be where I am without my little bit of family that I do have, my friends and my community.

LONG STORY SHORT:

End goal is college and therapy and back to doing cool things again. Goal right now is securing my housing and starting to put a dent in the medical/cumulative past roommate debt. I recognize how hard times are for everyone right now and how much of a privilege I’m asking for but I’m so sick and tired of being sick and tired… I don’t know what else to do but be open, ask for help and keep trying. As much as I love being vulnerable, I hate having to be vulnerable. And wouldn’t it be cool if we lived in a world where this kind of vulnerability didn’t have to happen so often?

But anyway, thanks for reading, thanks for caring, and thank you for helping pick me back up when the boots of the system keep trying to trample us down. Keep loving, keep fighting!

Love, Hope.