URGENT REQUEST OF A DOMESTIC VIOLENCE VICTIM - PLEASE HELP ME WITH LEGAL FEES

What happened: I have been domestically abused by my husband for over a year now, he has also committed adultery at sex parties, with ex-partners, and is now divorcing me. 
 
In the last 12 months, he almost broke my wrist, has popped my ear drum twice, and last summer, after I discovered he was going to secretly meet an ex at a hotel, he retaliated to my upset by kicking me and almost breaking my leg. I was in pain for that one for three weeks, and as the swelling grew he began to get worried, but I made the decision not to go to the Doctors to protect him and our relationship. He would blame everything on me and other times his mental health; he would resent me for not being more understanding and patient.

A few months ago, I had a major operation and days later during an argument, he ended up throwing me twice down our hallway (6.5ft into our metal kitchen bin), if I had landed a foot closer, I could have hit my head and died. The same evening he shut my arm in the car door.

Gaslighted: The Police were called and I immediately, almost automatically told them that it was my fault, that I was to blame and that 'he was gentle'. The Police admitted it was a situation they had never encountered before and were suspicious, as I was recently out of surgery, much much smaller than him, with a frighteningly swollen arm and split abdominal stitch, however, after much deliberation, as a result of my admission to protect my husband, the mental state I was in, and him blaming me too, I was arrested and am currently being prosecuted for ‘Common Assault and Criminal Damage.’ I am also on bail; he has maintained that I am to blame.

My GP said I had Acute Trauma and PTS shortly after and that is why I had stopped eating, sleeping, and my memory seemed awful, however slowly things did come back, particularly at night-time, where I would wake up distressed and crying. In fact, two-three weeks after the incident above happened, I had a memory that kept haunting me; it was my husband ‘flooring’ me in the bedroom right before he pushed me down the hall. It may sound bizarre, but I remembered this as I had flashes of the wooden floor coming towards my face and saliva being knocked out of my mouth as I hit the floor; an upsetting albeit vivid memory.

Trial: The first hearing is two weeks away and I am terrified I won't afford legal representation.

The Truth: I believed it was my fault because I did react sometimes, which I felt terrible about and would be sorry. I felt I caused the affliction as he was always very convincingly the victim (and me the villain), and he would tell me how I’ve ruined my life in all areas such as family, friends, career 'and now your marriage as I'm leaving you.' He would collect evidence to show me my wrongs and said 'you don't sound desperate enough yet, you need to lose everything first.' He would threaten me with big bills if I 'didn't play ball.'

After therapy, speaking to my GP, several solicitors and domestic abuse charities; I now have accepted that I have been domestically abused by my husband; mentally, emotionally, physically and financially. He manipulated me through coercive control to the brink of suicide, and this is why I told the Police that I was responsible.

The Cost of Abuse: What I do know is that I do not qualify for legal aid despite not being able to work for seven months after my operation, being homeless, the assault compromising my recovery, the PTS, and COVID-19, so I am trying to raise as close to £10000 as possible to pay for a Solicitor and Barrister, as I am having to fight for my life.

I believe that had the Police been better trained and equipped to deal with Domestic Abuse incidents in the first place, they may have spotted that something wasn’t quite right. And despite my clean record, if I am wrongfully convicted, I lose my career.

Another cost is being made homeless since 13th January. The Police said I could not return home and my husband made no attempt to help me. I think he enjoyed the attention knowing I was being punished 'people will never believe her now.' I have relied on the kindness and generosity of friends and family, however COVID has certainly thrown up a few new challenges.

It was this journey however, that helped me recover and know that I have great friends and family and that what he said to me about myself was all lies and emotional abuse.

The Police: Sadly and worryingly, he has successfully managed to manipulate everyone around him including the Police, and is once again, the victim. The CPS, without inquiring any further are as I said charging me. The Detective Constable assigned to the case has been incredibly biased. I have been treated like a criminal from day one and he even endangered mine, the public, and his colleague’s lives by demanding I fly to a London Police station from abroad (in Europe, where I was self-isolating) with three days notice when lockdown had just started. My bail conditions did not restrict travel. The DC said if I did not arrive back in time that he will put out a warrant for my arrest; I was terrified and risked it. It took me seven methods of public transportation, almost 16 hours and £300 to get back across Europe to London, and to make matters worse, no hotels would accept me overnight before my flight as I was 'British' and high risk. I made it twenty minutes late. He had zero compassion and again treated me like a criminal - are Police not meant to be impartial at this stage? Obviously not. 

The Witness: Fortunately, I have a witness who confirms that he admitted that he hit me only ever out of anger and not self-defence, however it is my word against his, and I am the defendant as a result of my admission of guilt; I promise I thought I was to blame at the time. Domestic abuse and mental health are closely linked; you never think it'll happen to you. I've always been a resilient girl and didn't think it would happen to me.

The CPS: It concerns me that the CPS are still completely none the wiser to Domestic Abuse and the complexities of mental health. In fact Justice for Women said it was fighting ten other similar cases last year alone. Harriet Wistrich, the organisation’s founder, said the CPS had a commitment and obligation to understand domestic violence, “but you don’t see it in practice. You see them going ahead as though they just want to win these cases. I would like to see them honour their commitments.”

I would like to ask the CPS in the cases of domestic violence: Are these cases really in the public interest? Is the evidence really substantial enough to prosecute and spend tax payers money? Has each case been properly investigated? Probably not. 

The courts have also made a huge error on the police record (PNC), which incorrectly states that I plead 'guilty', when I 100% plead NOT guilty.  It claims I have already been convicted as of April even though my preliminary hearing was in June. So I now have an accidental criminal record due to admin errors - they've ignored every email from legal team and charities to correct the mistake urgently.

My commitment is to seek justice.

I am grateful for all donations and support.

A very generous friend has donated £1000  and another £500 to the cause but directly to my account so thank you.

God love you all x

PS What I have learned? It's admirable to stand for love however, do not sell out on my self integrity, ever.