It all started when I was a child. I had an immense fear of death, so terrifying and grand that for a short time, the "D Word" was banned from our house. At mere mention, I would spiral into panic, anxiety, and distress. What would happen to me if I died? What would happen to you? What would life be like without each other? I went to sleep each night, terrified, praying to God, begging for our safety.

Death has continued to be a big theme in my internal life. I think about it nearly everyday. Sometimes it paralyzes me, taking the breath from my body, filling me with a visceral yet unsubstantiated grief. Other times I am enveloped in the warm hug of gratitude-- the quiet understanding that life is fleeting, that this moment is precious.

In 2020, I had the honor of sitting with a woman who was on hospice. She was a family friend, and had undergone a sudden decline. The family reached out to me, knowing I was interested in death doula work, and asked if I would come sit with her for a few hours. That day changed my life.

What I felt in the room with her was the serenity of a calling. I felt entirely in place. I felt entirely in flow. I felt entirely myself. As though every skill, personality trait, and aesthetic preference had been made for this moment. The quiet, the light spilling through the window, the gentle lull of music and hums, the flicker of a candle, soft touch, prayer, space, silence. In those hours with Essie May, I felt her fear around death. I also felt her relief, as she finally agreed to let go. I felt her leave her body, leave her home. I felt her become a child again. I felt she would die by the end of the day.

Of course, these feelings did not make sense, and still they defy language. But three hours after I left, it was announced that she had passed on. I remember reading the text, collapsing into a heap in the living room. Not from grief, not from sadness, but from the immense feeling of honor. Reverence poured from my eyes and I felt humbled, more than ever before. Humbled by the awesome power of life and death. Humbled by the cycle. Humbled by my place in it.

Since then, I have struggled to find my place back in the cycle of life and death. So caught up in my own, it has been hard to remain focused. But last year I finally completed my hospice volunteer training through PeaceHealth Hospice. Instead of going into respite care like I planned, I went into Bereavement care and began volunteering with Stepping Stones, a children's grief group. I hope to become NODA (No One Dies Alone) trained in the next few months. I am also finishing up my bachelor's degree in Social Sciences, and hope to get a masters in Social Work.

Despite the steps I've taken, there is one leap that keeps tugging at my heart...

I would like to receive training to become a Death Doula.

It has taken me years of research and daydreaming to find a program that aligns with my values, teaching/learning style, and goals. But I think I've finally found it. There's only one snag-- I need help to do it.

As a single parent living on a student's income (student aid money), I can't financially justify the cost of training. I have applied for scholarships, but the most they offer is $500 dollars off tuition, and there's no guarantee that I will receive one.

I felt dismayed to be blocked by a relatively small amount of money. But then a little voice chimed in the back of my mind. Who does a Death Doula serve? Her community. Who can I ask for help? My community.

So here I am, head humbly bowed in reverence, asking you to support my learning so I can better support our community.

A little about the program:

Why this program? Why go all the way to Canada?

I've asked myself this question too. As a hands on learner, I know my training will have to be in-person, but the number of in-person trainings are limited. Although death doulas have been a community role for thousands of years, the modern training and certification is relatively new. Nonetheless, I compiled a list of my top three program choices, and the total costs range from $2000-$3900.

The INELDA program is world-renowned, respectable and thorough. It is hosted in a beautiful location, one that aligns with my values and aesthetics. If you are to learn about death, you might as well visit heaven. The program facilitator is death doula trained and a labor and delivery nurse. Like myself, she has seen the connection between the birth space and the death space. She is a full-spectrum, lifespan doula and that makes my heart sing. Plus, I love an adventure. :)

So here's what I need:

My total need is: $2335

My hope is to be of service to my community. I cannot begin to imagine what that will look like. But I feel this step must be taken. The tug on my heart has grown uncomfortably loud, and I feel the indescribable need to move and act.

If you've read this far, thank you. Thank you for honoring me with your time, and your thought. I humbly ask for your financial support, for I cannot access this training without it. I promise to share what I learn. I promise to honor death in the same ways I honor life. I promise to help you, or a loved one, if you need it, when you need it. Even if it's just a chat. Even if it's just a simple point in the right direction. I want to be the conduit between a good life and a good death. I am here for you.