Please Help Me Reclaim Stability After Abuse

I have always felt impassioned to rectify injustices in my and others' lives. I have long been one to protest and rally for my beliefs. Voices matter. And I believe no matter how small, actions ripple effects throughout the world.

There is power in our willingness to speak and tell our Truth, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem. We have recently seen drastic consequences of suppression and repression of our truths. As we share, we learn from one another. We are given opportunities to talk and “walk” our values. We get informed about things that those who benefit from our ignorance may wish we didn’t.

Yet those things might save lives and help us be empowered to do something about it.

Many say “truth is the best policy.” And it always comes out. The target of a smear campaign, lies, betrayal, and theft, I've kept largely quiet about my struggles over the recent years. I have touched upon them as I felt necessary and safe to do so. My hesitation to fully “brave the wilderness” of my truth has revealed areas where I can improve my integrity, valuing honesty and authenticity.

I feel a sense of responsibility to help raise awareness and inspire others, often females, to believe in, love, and save themselves from exploitation and abuse by predatory individuals. I can also use some immediate assistance.

In 2019 after 2+ decades of volunteerism, raising funds for others, and 13+ years serving special needs families through nonprofits, a health crisis suddenly rendered me unable to work. I was so sick I was unable to do the work to hold my HR department accountable for the benefits I’d earned and was owed by my job. As I had zero income, my partner helped me move out of my moldy home into his tiny 400 sq ft apartment to recover.

In April 2022 my fiancé and I moved to a growing spiritual-leaning community in the country. Previously independent, I had suddenly become dependent upon my fiancé and as I was healing the relationship changed and we parted ways amicably. I continued to live in the new community with an acquaintance whose kids I had been helping raise. When he was told to leave the property, I felt it an injustice, although I didn’t know the truth at the time. I could not nor wanted to see the use, abuse, deception, and betrayal friends and family were seeing. Since childhood, I’d been healing from decades of bullying and other abuse, gut and autoimmune issues, and mental challenges including cognition and complex PTSD. These can make one vulnerable to abuse and exploitation.

I found resources for us including my car that he drove into a ditch one night. I was grateful it still worked, as during the 2 years I'd known him, his didn't work. We and those we served depended on my car at that time... It allowed him to see his kids whom I love as my own. He paid me one time for my efforts with his businesses.

I trusted him at his words and entered an informal partnership, dedicating my time, energy, and resources to help him with transportation, child care, food, and running his Central Ohio sign and sound healing businesses.

I began a campaign to raise funds for our mission to find a home and continue our efforts to build up others and community, while connecting healers. I received small donations from family and friends and shared them with his family.

As we networked in the community, I heard him tell our story of having "our house burn down” more times than I could count. We lost much over the many moves that took place in the next 8 months while homeless-- including my cat Bodhi.

I wanted to believe his spoken intentions were pure and we wanted the same things, but came to realize he was wearing a "mask" and I was starting to see it slip. I overlooked the red flags due to blind love and commitment to his kids, with a passion to serve, facilitate healing, and build community.

And yet I was gaslit, triangulated, isolated, and robbed of my assets (financial abuse). The subtle and nuanced behavior of coercive control trapped me in a web of “Stockholm syndrome" with a “catch-22" that made it challenging to free myself.

On 8/28/2023, I freed myself for the first time. Two months later I returned to the "scene of the crime" and the abuse resumed, some in more subtle ways, leaving me thinking I deserved the indignity of the 'doghouse' -- I was literally forced to sleep in a tent in the snow.

Desperation, self doubt and a lack of respect, worth, and love for myself had me determined to prove myself to gain validation and a feeling of safety and stability. I wanted to believe I had imagined the abuse, and my perception was wrong. I was increasingly isolated and distanced from family and friends who wanted to rescue me from a cult. (Literally. I didn't find this out until after.)

By this time he’d pulled the rug out from under me, preventing me from knowing what was happening or helping manage our business/social media and raise funds for the organizations I ultimately helped him with for 2 years. With what I know now, I would have left earlier and stayed away. His controlling behavior impacted my ability to do what needed to be done to do to move us forward.

But after moving out and doing 2 months of self care and feeling pressure to justify my investment, I helped him find ‘the house of our dreams’. I collected and relayed 6 months of 2k/mo rent to our new landlord in lieu of other guarantees to pay. Once I'd helped him move his things into our new home, the abuse resumed full force. Within 4 months he'd pushed me back into homelessness after bringing in a replacement who had also been abused.

By this time I’d lost many of my resources, much of my support, trust in myself, and much energy to move forward… Gratefully, my faith helped me stay afloat. I stayed safe and begin to regain my footing. I began the 2 week move-out as I "walked away" on 4/12 of last year.

It’s been an uphill battle through the effects of abuse, theft, and sabotage of my efforts to take my power and my life back. The effects have impacted: my ability to work, pay for food, medicine, bills, and rent, along with my health, stability, and confidence.

My healing took a backseat to mere survival. I've had fewer resources and support to help me return to stability and focus on my healing and recovery. I have been working but my job has failed to pay my bills and negatively impacted my health so I’m seeking one more aligned with my skills, interests, and needs.

And I’m done keeping quiet. I have shared proof of the experience with those I feel will keep it safe and help me stay that way… I take responsibility for my responses to his behavior, 'stay in my own lane', and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I'm grateful to be slowly regaining my footing and health.

Today my car still needs work from the wear and tear on it from driving countless hours to transport signage for his business, his kids cities away, and through the metro area to network and perform sound healing for both groups and private sessions.

I received little to zero appreciation, compensation, consideration, nor reciprocation. I was rewarded with "breadcrumbs" and covert use and abuse. Since I left over a year ago, there has been zero accountability for items stolen, time, or injustices from abuse, defamation and stalking that took place after I left for good.

I have felt battle-worn and struggled with some anxiety after nearly 3 years of instability and struggle in "survival" mode. It has been a challenge to have health concerns while doing my best to survive. I’ve been returning to the competent and independent person I was before I fell ill, into this situation. I am finding unconditional love and support. I am learning to trust again, and am finding my way back to stability while returning to the healing journey I started in 2019.

I may have concerns but now have greater confidence "I will survive" and do more-- thrive.

I cried this morning as my car stalled nearly 10 times while navigating traffic. I struggled to pay my $750/mo rent. I "picked up the pieces" with zero closure, having to cut my losses and leave for safety. I received a few donations from strangers, friends, and close family and acquired a couple of jobs, working around health issues as I heal. I am seeking healthier opportunities.

I could use some help. A few friends and strangers have offered support, but I have been reluctant to ask for more. The situation has taken much longer than expected. Until I obtain food stamps, I could use help buying food so I can eat healthfully (gluten, dairy, soy and pesticide-free) on my healing journey.

I am open to many opportunities to utilize my skills and experience. I am impassioned to make a difference not merely for myself, but also the lives of others who value and benefit from my energy. Equal/equitable exchange matters to me. The work I did then rarely rewarded me beyond experience. I’m feeling better about me these days, justified to liken the experience as akin to my "house burning down" as this child's drawing portrays.

They say “a picture says 1000 words”. In this drawing, my room was set on fire. In real life, I left it for my safety and am grateful to be starting my life over. I have what matters: life, safety, and freedom from the binding I felt over my life. I have much left to offer and am in the process of finding proper outlets and opportunities to share my passion, energy, and expertise.

I am seeking opportunities for remote work and/or in Ohio. I am open to moving to the right place and am excited to provide services to others with reciprocity. I pay all generosity forward and am driven to help others going through similar struggles.

I am grateful for all that has been offered and given. If you know and/or love someone who has suffered the catastrophic effects of abuse you may have an idea of what I have experienced and how much it can take to recover after such an experience. I am not here to complain but to share my need and raise awareness of narcissistic abuse in hopes of helping not merely myself but also others.

I believe in us raising one another up. I love to build community and mutual aid to love and support one other. I am beyond grateful to anyone willing to consider my truth, needs, and help me as you are able. It has not been an easy road but I’ve never given up. I have learned from my experience to embrace my faith fully and know “all is well” and I will be taken care of regardless of “how” or when.

Thank you so much for reading and perhaps donating to my cause. Please share if you are inspired. Peace to you and yours. ️