Please Help Me Regain Stability After Abuse

Today I realized my strength. Driving through a protest with my car this morning, a chord struck in me. The signs were varied and inspired by a variety of beliefs and as an old friend has said, “agendas”... (he says we all have one). The signs can apply to a myriad of circumstances, and one about the importance of being impassioned to rectify injustices struck me HARD. I have long been one to protest and rally for my beliefs, and despite my limited knowledge and perspective, I know my concerns are as valid as anyone’s to voice. And I believe no matter how small, our actions ripple effects throughout our world.

I recognize the power of our willingness to speak and tell our Truth, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem. We have seen over the past 5 years many consequences of suppression and repression of our truth. As we share, we learn from one another. We are given opportunities to talk, and “walk” it. We get informed about things that those who benefit from our ignorance may wish we didn’t… But those things can save lives… And help us be empowered to do something about it.

Many say “truth is the best policy.” And that it always comes out. The target of a smear campaign with lies, betrayal and theft, I have kept quiet about many of my struggles over the past few years. I have touched upon my truth as I felt safe to do so. And though this has served me some this past year, my hesitation to fully “brave the wilderness” of my truth has been somewhat lacking in the integrity of my values of honesty and authenticity.

A portion of my story follows. The reasons I am coming out with my truth are twofold; first, I feel a sense of responsibility for helping raise awareness and to help inspire others to believe, put first, and save themselves from less-than-pure intentions and “agendas” of predatory individuals, and secondly, I need help. I try to sculpt my words with clear and pure intentions and think it’s only fair that if I ask I share why and how it will be used.

In 2019, after decades of volunteerism, raising funds for others, and nearly 13 years serving special needs families in the nonprofit sector, my health issues reached an apex and rendered me unable to provide for myself. I was mentally and physically incapable of fighting my HR department for the benefits I’d earned (and was owed) by that job, and with zero income, my partner at the time helped me move out of a moldy home into his tiny 400 sq ft apartment to recover.

In April 2022 my fiancé and I moved to a growing “spiritual” community in the country. Previously independent, I had become dependent on my fiancé, and as I healed we parted ways amicably while I continued to live in the new community with an acquaintance whose kids I had begun helping to raise. It felt destabilizing when he was told to leave the property, and I felt it an injustice, though I didn’t know all the truth at the time. I could not nor wanted to see the deception and betrayal some friends and family were starting to see. (Since childhood, I’d been healing from decades of abuse and bullying-related trauma and subsequent gut and autoimmune issues affecting my emotions, cognition, and ability to work... PTSD and other health issues can make anyone vulnerable to abuse and exploitation.)

I worked to “manifest” resources for us including my car that he drove into a ditch late one night. I was grateful it still worked and to have one at all as he did not; we and those we served depended upon my car (my ex-fiance had given it to me to use after we parted ways) for nearly 2 years. My driving allowed him to see his kids, whom I love as my own. He paid me one time for my full-time efforts with his businesses. I trusted him and entered an informal partnership dedicating my time, energy, and resources to help with transportation, child care, food, and running his sign and sound healing businesses.

My new partner and I began a campaign to raise funds for our mission to find a home and continue our former efforts to help others to build community and heal. My resourcefulness yielded a few larger donations from my family and friends, and I shared wholeheartedly with him and his kids. As we reached out, I heard him tell “our” story of “essentially having our house burn down” more times than I can count. Together we lost much in the series of moves that took place over the next 8 months of homelessness–including my cat Bodhi.

I wanted to believe his spoken intentions were pure and that we wanted the same things, but ultimately realized much was a lie and he was wearing a mask I was starting to see slip. I overlooked red flags due to my love for his kids, my passion to serve—especially through opportunities to facilitate healing and build community–and gaslighting, with triangulation, isolation, and financial abuse… The subtle and nuanced behavior of coercive control caught me in a web with a type of “Stockholm syndrome” as I was imprisoned in a “catch-22" that made it challenging to free myself.

On 8/28/2023, I freed myself for the first time. 2 months later, I returned to the scene of the crime; use, abuse, and triangulation resumed, leaving me thinking I deserved the indignity of the proverbial “doghouse”—actually forced to sleep in a tent in the snow. Desperation, self doubt and a lack of self respect, worth, and love had me determined to prove myself and gain validation with a feeling of safety and stability…I wanted to believe he wasn’t at fault for his abuse, and that my perception was wrong. I became further isolated and distanced from family and friends who wanted to rescue me from a “cult”.

(By this time he’d permanently pulled the rug out from under me in my ability to help manage our social media to raise funds for the organizations I was helping him run. I realize now I should have left sooner and stayed away. His controlling behavior impacted my ability to do what he said he wanted that seemed necessary to move us forward.)

Regardless, and feeling the pressure, I helped him find ‘the house of our dreams’ and collected and relayed 6 months of rent to our new landlord in lieu of other guarantees to pay. As soon as I helped him move his things into the house, the abuse resumed full force. Within months he pushed me back into homelessness after bringing in a “replacement” who had ironically also been abused. By this time I’d lost most of my support, trust in myself, and energy to move forward… But my faith raised me up and “angels” helped me stay safe and begin to regain my footing. I left on 4/12/24, nearly a year ago.

It’s been an uphill battle through the long-lasting effects of his abuse, theft, and seeming sabotage of my efforts to take my life back. The effects impacted my ability to work and pay for food, medicine, bills, and rent, affecting my health, stability, support, and confidence… My healing took a backseat to survival. I had fewer resources and support to return to work and focus on my healing and recovery from 2 years of abuse. I am working but the job fails to pay my bills so I’m finding a better one that aligns with my skills, interests, and needs.

And I’m done keeping quiet. I have shared proof of my experience with those I feel will keep it safe and help me stay that way… I take responsibility for my responses to his behavior, including “staying in my own lane” and putting one foot in front of the other to regain my footing and health in every aspect of my life.

Today my car still needs work, after $2500 worth and needing at least $2500 more, from the wear and tear put on it from driving him countless hours to transport: signage for his business, his kids two cities away, and around Central Ohio to network and perform sound healing for groups and private sessions. There was little if any appreciation, compensation, consideration, or reciprocation. Instead, I was rewarded with breadcrumbs and covert use and abuse. There was zero accountability for the items stolen, my time, or the injustices due to abuse including financial and health abuse with defamation and stalking that took place after I finally left for good.

I feel battle-worn and have struggled with some depression and anxiety after almost 3 years of instability and struggle in survival mode. It has felt like a catch-22 to have additional health concerns while doing my best to survive and move towards thriving. I’m returning to the competent, capable, and independent person I was long before I fell ill–and into abuse. I am finding new friends and chosen family while returning to those who love me regardless of what I do for them. I am learning to trust again and am finding my way back to full time work while returning to the healing journey I started in 2019—having some new concerns but greater confidence I’ll do more than survive; I’ll thrive.

I cried this morning as my car stalled nearly 10 times while I navigated traffic with my manual car. I haven’t been able to pay my $750/mo rent since February and am doing my best to navigate the financial effects of post-abuse health issues including CPTSD. I took the responsibility of picking up the pieces with zero closure after having to cut my losses and leave for my safety. I have received a few donations from strangers, friends, and close family, and have acquired a couple of jobs, working around health issues as I continue to heal. Unfortunately, the latest job cannot provide the work I need to pay my bills so I am seeking new opportunities.

I may be about 2 months’ rent from getting above water. I could really use some help in paying it as I regain stability away from toxicity that surrounded me during and after the abuse. I didn’t know what it would require to recover my self sufficiency until recently. A few friends and strangers have helped, but I have been reluctant to ask for more help. The situation has been embarrassingly tenuous and taking longer than expected. I could still use some serious help in getting ahead to pay my rent and stay safe in my living space. Until I can obtain food stamps, I can use some help buying food to eat healthfully on my healing journey.

I am open to all opportunities to utilize the skills and experience I have acquired. I am impassioned to make a difference not merely for myself, but also the lives of others who truly benefit from my offerings… Equal energy exchange matters to me… When I collected donations for the work I did with/for him I benefitted very little. I’m feeling better about myself these days and feel more than justified to say my experience was very much “like my house burning down.”

They say “a picture says 1000 words”. In his child’s drawing, my room was aptly set on fire. I left for my safety, and am grateful to be starting over… I have what matters: my life, safety, and a heart free from the constraints of the binding I felt over my life... I have much to offer and am in the process of finding the best outlets and opportunities to share my expertise, passions, and energy.

If anyone has opportunities for work remotely or in the Central Ohio area (I am even open to moving to the right place), I am excited to provide my services to others with reciprocity. I enjoy working and aim to serve. And If you donate to my cause I’ll put you on a list for a free copy of my first book once it is written and published. I will pay all generosity forward, especially to help others going through similar struggles.

I am eternally grateful for all that has been offered and given. If you know or love anyone who has suffered the catastrophic effects of abuse, you may have an idea of what I have experienced and how much work it takes to recover oneself after such an experience. I am not here to complain nor blame, but to show my need and raise awareness of what I have experienced in hopes of helping not just myself but others.

I believe in raising each other up; my aim is to build community predicated on the notion we are “One” and here to love and support each other versus stepping upon one another in a competition to get to the “top”. I am beyond grateful to anyone willing to consider my truth, needs, and to help as you are able. It has not been an easy road but I’ve never given up... I have learned from experience to embrace my faith fully and know that “all is well” and that I will be taken care of regardless of the certainty of “how” or when.

Thank you for reading and for considering donating to my cause. Please share if you are inspired. Many divine blessings to you and yours. <3