Hi, my name is Eike (they/she). I'm a queer trans femme individual who works with plants. I live in New York City with my beautiful fiancée, Kimmie, and our two cats, Maple and Poptart. I am raising funds for my gender affirming bottom surgery (vaginoplasty) this February.

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For so many years now, I feel eyes on me. Analyzing and dissecting me. My speech. The sound of my voice. Staring at my clothes, my face, the shape of my body. Wherever I go, I feel icy gazes along my skin, trying to figure me out, trying to prove I am something I'm not. It makes me feel like a mistake, an abomination. From birth, my body has been wrong. Constantly trying to uncover my true identity has been an overwhelming experience of my transition. So often, I look back at pictures of myself and see a kid that was so confused and so scared.

Growing up, I always felt strange doing the things boys did around me. I was expected to be like them, act like them, but every joke, every activity was uncomfortable. The locker room was mortifying, and I recall facing my locker to change, not looking around and pretending I couldn't be seen. My body always garnered my attention - why did it look like that? Why was I so focused on how it looked? Why does it feel so wrong?

Later in life, I spent nearly every day in the gym - all while doing a full time job of difficult outdoor work. I tried to be masculine, pushing this ideal on my body to be strong and tough. I thought that becoming a model example of manhood, I could become content with my appearance. It was exhausting beyond imagination, but I thought the hard work would pay off in some way. Still, I always felt this overwhelming sense of wrongness.

It took me so long to understand the changes my body and my heart craved. So many nights spent bawling to myself after I looked in the mirror, not comprehending what could be the issue. But finally I realized that I wanted to be, needed to be, the opposite of everything I knew. I wanted to be soft, delicate, beautiful and self-assured in my skin. To move with grace, elegance and fluidity. I wanted to express my emotions openly. Be tender and kind with my loved ones. I wanted to look inward and no longer feel like a mistake.

I am slowly reaching that goal - through 5 years of hormone therapy, wardrobe changes, practice with makeup, vocal training; Oh so slowly I am becoming the person I could see inside. Bottom surgery for me is the step I need to feel at peace. I have worked so hard, for so long to finally accept myself, to love the body I see. Still, I wake up and look down, only to feel incomplete. I dread finding clothes that hide this part of my body, and I constantly fret that strangers will out me. I am ready to become whole, and am asking for the help to do so.

I am supported by my amazing partner through all of this. She is working diligently to become a certified nurse midwife, and cannot work while being in grad school full time and caring for me during my recovery. I will be on total bedrest for two months or more, so I can no longer work either. These donations will allow us to continue living in our apartment safely and focus on healing.

Any amount contributed is something I am incredibly grateful for. If money is an issue, simply sharing this fundraiser helps tremendously. Thank you for reading my story, thank you to my wonderful community of friends and peers, and thank you for supporting this pivotal step in my transition!