Twelve years ago, January 2009 I started to unbury myself, in the unburying I found a more caring, loving me that has a hearts desire. In crossing the world ocean, now over a decade later, I see land. I am closer to that dream than I have ever been. It has been, is, and will continue to be the breath of who I am. Please know, any time I say I, it is the all inclusive I, and for the rest of my life, every time I say thank you, I think, feel, and speak a thank you to all who I have met, all been my teachers, and to all humans who paved the way for all of us now.
Go Fund Me: I would love help to see this to the end and begin anew. If you feel inspired to support, I ask that you contribute from your heart what is comfortable. We are in a time of great change, Covid, end of year, holidays, our personal life, the state of the world, I understand, and appreciate whether it is monetary, energetic, verbal, sharing/forwarding, or all the above.
I have been employed since I was 15 years old, Aetna Insurance, Discover Card, and 20 years with Bank of America, for the last 3 years I see clients one on one, on a sliding scale sharing with others what I have learned. My grandmothers help allowed me to have 3 excess skin removal surgeries and sold the house I had, to purchase the 88k house I live in which now allows for passive income. Half of my house is a separate rental; my garage is an Airbnb. All of which has allowed me to dedicate my time, energy, and resources to all that I have been doing for the last 12 years, single focused.
The Go Fund Me will apply to the following;
-I have an opportunity to work with and learn from a medicine man, I leave for Peru January 11, 2021
-When I return it is time to do my work in a way that is unknown, I am nervous excited
-I began a book prematurely 15 years ago, it is now time to write it
-There is a documentary being made on ceremony in the Amazon, I would like to support in its making
-Personally, for clarity, for deep honor, humility, a heart that has the most capacity possible, and stepping into my feminine (and so much more)
-The beginning of part two and, We
-The amount listed for the Go Fund Me is arbitrary, intended to be open
Context: Through the last 12 years I have come to understand a river within the ocean of self, self-focused victim, self-focused survivor, self-focused healing, self-focused becoming, and blessedly other focused service. I am thankful for each experience, painful and not, I am who I am today because of all that I have experienced.
*Please note this is not all inclusive, it is not anywhere near the suffering many people through time and space have experienced, and some who did suffer this and more, have handled it vastly differently. There was good, there was kindness, there was support, there were good times, none of which were experienced outside of ‘this’, ‘for me’ 90% of the time misery, 10% of the time fleeting moments of relief
Self-focused victim; Since early childhood I was deep in chronic depression, low functioning, chaos, sadness, fear, and very little self-care i.e. showering, clean living space, the misery of my internal world was reflected in every aspect of my life. Chronic anxiety, from living so far away from my true self and the conflict from that. Sleep issues. Fragmented. Compulsive. Sexual wounding by both genders. Decades of being deeply confused, buried alive. Financial strife. Addiction, running from feeling; with food, smoking, drugs, spending, TV, reading, sleeping, fantasy, drinking. Disassociated more often than not. Unaddressed learning challenges. I weighed 365lbs for 30 years, unbearable onslaught of fear, judgement, disgust, & hate from known & unknown people, the worst being myself, turn styles, rides, airplane seats, restaurant chairs, my mind, family, mirrors, strangers, walking, buying clothes, existing – it was brutal. I did extraordinarily little that drew attention to myself, attempting to be invisible, being seen came with pain. Full body physical pain every waking moment (imbalance, poor care, various ailments, weight, lack of activity et al). Mental, emotional & spiritually diseased. Religious upbringing with heavy denial of self, and repression. Compulsive mind without pause. Four hip surgeries, chronic lower back pain & back out multiple times a year (4 days at a time). Fear based in all thoughts, feelings, speech, choices, & actions. Society programmed ideas of what beauty is, therefore, self-hate, loathing, and not feeling good enough. I was self-isolating, being alone was better than the pain of people. I never felt like I belonged, and I never wanted to be here. Significant sexual repression (all-natural desires lived in the dark, and only expressed there). An island. Suicidal.
Self-focused surviving; from before I can remember until 2009. Thoughts, feelings, choices, actions I made every mistake known to man. All in a blundering attempt to self-protect and survive my inner and outer world. Self-concepts that defined my existence (therefore my world view): I was contracted, lost, sad, miserable, wanting, in fantasy, addiction, loss, death, rage. I was highly dysfunctional, judged/judging, paralyzed with fear, a thief, and a liar. I was afraid, hurting, mean, explosive, angry, sick, heavy, desperate. I became heavily masculine. All of the ism’s in crevice, unseen ways. In lack, harsh, manipulative, controlling, self-focused, combative, hurtful, mistrusting, internal, repressed, uncomfortable, undesirable, disrespectful, crazy, drowning. Entitled. An asshole. Demanding. Misunderstood, alone, wounded, PTSD, in terror, unseeing, stuck, horrified, hiding, disconnected from self, life, and others. All of that in small and bigger ways, and I can still drop back when triggered. I lived without hope, and without honor
Self-focused healing; Holographic Repatterning Training 2007, Kundalini Yoga & Meditation Level I Teacher Training 2009 (KRI Certified Instructor), K Y & M Level II Teacher Training: Mind & Mediation 2010, & Lifestyles & Life Cycles 2015, Conscious Communication 2016, Sound Healing Training 2012, Reiki Level I & II Training 2011, 11 White Tantric Days. Moment to moment self, life and other reflection, and character refinement. I became my own teacher and healer 2015. Unity, Universal Intelligence & Guidance. Personal plant medicine ceremonies (deep learning & teachings, integrated with sadhana), Sat Nam Rasayan (Energy Work Training) 2017. 8 Years of Ceremony/Purification lodges in deep prayer. Read more books than I can list and applied/lived their principles. A daily practice (sadhana) that I am proud of – all of which saved my life. And throughout which I was obnoxious, verbally vomiting my newfound footing, ecstatic, preachy, contradictory, effusive – I apologize <3
Self-focused becoming; to include all of the learning and training listed above, De-Armoring, Q 1&2, collectively 8 days and nights of fasting, dancing my prayers to the tree of life. 5Rhythms July 2019 to current, and 360 Emergence December 2020, all of which is highly, accelerated transformation and growth. Three excess skin removal surgeries; arms, breasts, stomach, butt, and thighs. I live my life in moment-to-moment ceremony, I am imperfect. I feel kinder, more loving, my heart is more open, my day to day is lovely in how I choose to care for myself, and others. I am imperfect, in my work of death/change/transformation – discombobulation – shift; better, faster, stronger. Discombobulation still has its opportunities, nighttime eating, feeling fear, lapse of compassion, frustration etc. Because I came from the depths of my own hell, living in my 80% > I feel well, and welcome (most of the time) the 20% as my continued teacher. I have fought to be who I am, and where I am since I can remember. When I was not in a state of collapse, I was fighting. I fought to be myself in my upbringing, family, society, religion, the education system, with myself, with people - not fitting molds. My heart wants to sing my truth, to dance my dance, to foster my way, in divine timing, guided by an internal knowing, and following my heart to continue to open. All the challenges fodder for growth, sometimes knowing the energy I was bringing to the table was responsible, and not able to alter it in the moment. Often knowing I was in my own way and that something in me needed to heal or grow. I dont have to fight anymore, as of very recently. I am in trust. I trust myself for the first time in my life to be self-respecting, honoring, and caring through thoughts, feelings, speech, choices, and actions. I am in my knowing with universal support, guidance and the track that is being laid. When it is time to jump, I jump. I am following my hearts knowing. I began desperate to suffer less, I had ‘no’ idea here existed, and there is more. I do not compare myself to others, I compare myself to who I used to be, I have always been odd; I am getting odder by the minute. I am happy, and I am just getting started in living.
I have learned; our strength in the dark, is our strength in the light. I am exactly where I am supposed to be, I am learning at a rate that feels extraordinary (to me), with perfect incremental, loving timing. I have learned that being asked to be more, different, faster, other than who I am, where I am, how I am, is painful, and has the opposite desired result, and have stepped into sacred boundaries for the first time. I have learned through my passage; to listen to understand, not to assume to know the complexity of another human’s experience by the fraction I am seeing. A deep knowing that there is far more to a person than what is showing up to be healed in the way of a reflection. To know that in the human experience there is much, and to be kinder, more supportive, and hold a space of love, and practice patience. And because of all of this, I can now turn around and practice holding space for others, where they are, as they are, and love them as is. Perfect does not exist, and I am no where near it if it did. I am in a constant state of learning, practice, and surrender until the end. I have learned, everyone is Mrs. Robinson; everyone is Captain Kirk. And I have learned that I have a sensitive heart, that is currently new.
Thank you. Thank you to the Universe et al. for this remarkable life past, present, and future. Thank you to every human that I have ever had the honor of knowing, you have been my mirror and teacher. Thank you to my grandmother who thinks I am crazier than a hoot owl, and for loving and supporting me anyway. To Tina Ireland who ‘saw’ me and hired me to work with her three times (there was nothing more beautiful than to been seen for what was most important to me). My parents who have a significant amount in common in the most opposite way, thank you for supporting while also sometimes cringing, and we are getting there. People from my paths that have had a powerful influence, Yogi Bhajan & Harley Swiftdeer Reagan as human conduits for the technology they held and were a conduit for. KY &M Sevak Singh, and many others. Matthew. Gabrielle Roth and the worldwide legacy holders of 5 Rhythms, Jonathon, Lucia, Douglas, and all the beautiful people I have learned from over the last year and a half. Amber & Kate with 360 Emergence. My medicine path, Deer Tribe John, Kristin, Claudia, Joerg. I am very much looking forward to what unfolds and getting to spend time. My wounding up for healing has been challenging and I appreciate the reflections our experiences have offered. And three people directly related to the beginning of this Go Fund Me project, my ex-girlfriend Tiffany, when I told her what I was doing she said, I don’t understand all that you are and do, but I support and love you and gave making the first step possible. A new friend Rachel who unsolicited gave from her heart at dinner, and my ex-Nicole who did the same when we were catching up a couple days ago, thank you. Lastly, thank you to those that read this, to those that contribute in whatever way is inspired for you, and for sharing/forwarding – I appreciate it more than I can communicate, and I always will. I stand new in everything, to include intimacy, open heart, receiving, vulnerability, expressing when hurt, setting boundaries, asking for what I need. I am learning. There is more to be of growth and healing in every aspect. The Go Fund Me is a success in my heart from the place of reaching out, no matter the outcome – I thank you from there <3
My spiritual name is Sanmukh Kaur, my medicine name is Winged Jaguar. I had to become Sanmukh Kaur, ‘she who listens to the word of God and not to the prattle of those around her’, to embody Winged Jaguar, to become Amy Powers. I am and always will be learning, and probably more so than ever as I am stepping into a world of beautiful people that have been highly functioning and teaching for a very long time. Oy vey the bumps of learning.
I am at another jumping off point. What is coming makes all of this foundationally important, and at the same time completely irrelevant – it is fascinating. What I know, is I know nothing, and looking forward to the more. I am getting more comfortable with, change is like the wind and the ocean, unpredictable and that too is part of the unknown.
Thank you for the part you have and will play in my life, times are challenging and I feel like there is much to be shared, one of many.
More than anything, so grateful for other focused service, it feels really lovely. And for this abnormal life, that has allowed so much for me to do what I have done thus far. I feel a little panic in this... this last year was humbling, and more to come.
I leave you with two songs I have loved since I was four-teen years old, since always, and for always - Father and Son & Can’t Keep It In
Thank you & LOVE to all.
I hope each of you is well. And that your 2021 has much beauty in it.
Amy Powers <3
- Camille Hartmetz
- Courtney Barry
- Leslie Goin
- MANGALA S KHALSA
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