Hello everyone,

For those of you who know me, you know how difficult it is for me to ask for help. It’s likely that my inability to ask for help is part of the reason why I am in this current situation. However, I am setting my pride aside and reaching out because I feel as though I have an opportunity that I cannot pass up.

The last 10 years, and even before that, have been a rollercoaster to say the least and as I look back there’s very few memories that I can remember feeling entirely fulfilled and happy. I’ve come to realize that I have been subconsciously putting up guards in order to protect myself from getting hurt or disappointed. Little did I know I was developing a disconnect between experience and emotion. This has affected every aspect of my life from my relationships with family, friends, and potential partners, to my career, to finances, and my ability to parent.

As a result of some past experiences, some of them very public, others very private, my ability to process and regulate my emotions is almost non existent. There are days where my nervous system is in overdrive and I am anxious, fidgety, angry and hyperactive. But there are also days where my nervous system isn’t doing what it needs to and I experience fatigue, depression, and disconnect.

2021 has been one of the most challenging years yet. While I have somehow managed to stay sober (4 years and counting on July 17), managing emotions has become increasingly difficult and has made managing everyday life very challenging. With a high needs and very energetic 3 year old who I have 100% of the time, I struggle to make self care a priority. When I do find the time for myself, I lack the motivation and energy to do anything that I find enjoyable. This past summer put my anxiety to levels I didn’t know were possible. While attempting to finish grad school this summer we (Creighton and I) experienced major life stressor after major life stressor which left me feeling as though something tragic is going to happen any minute, all the time. It also left me questioning my abilities as a mom, a teacher, and whether or not I can have healthy relationships.

Toward the end of summer break, I felt the anxiety of starting school and teaching during a pandemic for another year creep up. I recognized something wasn’t right. I felt as though my emotions were so extreme that when I met with my therapist I questioned whether or not I was bipolar. Constantly questioning “What is wrong with me?”. About a week after that appt with my therapist, I was contacted by a few people with concerns about my mental health and on my first day back to work I realized that I wasn’t okay. On my second day back to work, I had made a decision to get some help. I knew if I didn’t I wasn’t going to be able to function as a mom, as a teacher, as a sister, as a daughter, as a friend, or as a human.

8/18/2021 I was admitted to the inpatient psychiatric hospital for 3 days where I caught up on some rest and medication changes took place. Upon my release from inpatient, my therapist, who I have seen for over 4 years, recommended getting into an intensive outpatient program. Given the fact that I am triggered by just about everything right now, she does not feel as though I am ready to return to work until I’ve completed a program. Which leads me to the reason for this GoFundMe.

After a thorough assessment and a psychiatrist evaluation, it was determined that a partial hospitalization program is the best option for my recovery. This program is 5 days a week for 6 hours and lasts anywhere from 8-12 weeks with the option of moving to half days depending on progress throughout the program. I will have group and individualized therapies including: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Trauma Based Therapy, Coping Skills, Prolonged Exposure, Behavioral Activation and Art/Yoga/Movement Therapy.

After talking with my team and support system, it was decided that this is necessary for me to start feeling better. However, 12 weeks of no work raises some major financial concerns. Creighton will still need to go to daycare while I am busy with therapies 9am-315pm. I will have to pay in to keep our health insurance. Then there’s a car, cell phone bill, other bills, groceries and every day living expenses. Additionally, there’s the expense of the program itself.

I usually don’t ask for help and the fact I made this means I am desperate to find healing. I am ready to recover and process through the things I’ve avoided for so long which will help me live a fulfilling life. If you find it in the goodness of your heart to make a contribution, know that I will be forever grateful. This is not how my story ends- and I’ll do anything to make sure it ends in a way in which I am proud. I love each and every one of you. Thank you for being my light when things went dark.

Love and light ✨,

Kelsey

"Self-love is less about the ability to withstand loneliness or establish independence and more about awareness and acceptance of our incompleteness. It’s about letting others love us even when we feel unlovable because their version of us is often kinder than our own." - Esther Perel