My unemployment has run out and I've been unable to find a new job, temp or permanent. It's been frustrating and discouraging and as the end of the month crept closer, it's been difficult to find reasons to keep going. It was a struggle to put one foot in front of the other day after discouraging day. It's been hard to keep from panicking.
At a conference on Friday, I discovered that have a significant learning disorder called Discalculia - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dyscalculia.
What I know right now is that for me, I do not recognize the passage of time, at least not in the same way that most people do. The only way I can describe it is that I'm like a dog; I have no real sense of the past or future, I only have 'now'. I'm human, of course, so I have memories, but I can't put them on a time line. I can't tell you when my mother died or I had shoulder surgery. I only know 'a long time ago' or 'not long ago', which can be months or years. There's also a lot trauma and shame incorporated into it as well.
I've always believed I was 'broken' in some fundamental way and much of my life has involved trying to 'fix' myself (many times with therapists), trying to compensate as best I can while trying to hide or cover up. I've always felt unworthy and put others before myself.
I am truly excited about this revelation about myself rather than discouraged. Knowledge is power and this feels like a key insight to unlocking that sense of 'brokenness' inside me. I've worked closely with others with learning disabilities and know that success is absolutely achievable. I know that I need professional help to unpack this and figure out what it means for me going forward. This is one thing I'm not going to even attempt to explore on my own. There was a lot of abuse directly associated with the disability, so I have to work through that as well.
For once in my life, I want to put myself first and get the care I need to work through this. I don't know what it's going to look like or what it means for me, but I'm full of hope and faith that I can begin the next phase of my life a more successful and confident person. Like many things in life, all this has occurred at the absolute worst time for me financially. My unemployment has run out and my rent and cell phone bill is due (again). I get my internet through my cell phone. I need some short-term financial support.
Thank you so very much. I promise I will pay it forward just as soon as I am able.
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