I dream of days where I finally get to write my own story, depending on no one but myself, moving to a place where I can find better job opportunities and regain my independence and go back to school. It kills me to have to ask for help again- but here we are.

I would be grateful for a reliable vehicle, one that wouldn’t require constant repairs and that I could afford outright. Unfortunately, my credit is so bad I couldn’t be approved for a small loan or even lease a vehicle, and without the means to leave this unhealthy situation, I am literally stuck. On a marry go round of misery I can’t find a way off of. In order to become independent I need a vehicle that will allow my to work 80 hour weeks if I have to, or find a better paying position I’m qualified for but can’t even apply for because it’s too far away when you share a vehicle with your spouse. We both want a physical and legal separation then eventually a divorce. I make minimum wage which means I make $16/hour before taxes and make 1,600 a month. The average rent for a small apartment here is about $12-1300 a month. Not counting first & last months rent plus a security deposit. The only way forward Is by gaining my own means of transportation so that I can work as much and as often as necessary to save up what’s required to move out of a toxic and volatile environment. But I can’t do that with one vehicle. I’m not on a bus route and I’m over 30 minutes away from where I currently work.

I’ve sought help for my mental health, but the journey has been challenging. I recently met with a therapist who recommended intensive outpatient treatment regarding my current mental health head space and issues I’ve struggled with since my late teens, my spouses insurance doesn’t cover that. There’s an $8000 deductible and it’s not yet been met. It wouldn’t matter if it had been, because it only pays for about half.. I also don't have the luxury to have 3 days of being unavailable to work because even virtually it’s 6 hours 3 x daily. Each day away from work feels like another day I’m trapped in an increasingly unsafe environment. And are unable to save anything because I’m going to pay and help out with whatever bills I can for what I make otherwise I’d have no place to live... The situation not only feels unsafe but increasingly isolated and lonely. My spouse and I have grown resentful of each other this often causes friction which leads to ending up in arguments that escalate very quickly.

Trust me I know all of the wrong roads I took or the ones I should have- and no one hates myself becoming what I promised I never would- my mom, who I saw struggle in physical abusive relationship because she invested every penny she had into the wrong men who only left her with more trauma and instilled insecurities and a belief that she was somehow unable or unworthy of better than she allowed herself to have. She like myself became isolated and stripped away from her support system and they, like most of my family refuse to help in a way I need desperately now- because they have every right to be upset I let myself get to this place and point in life. I’m ashamed and angry too. And I wouldn’t blame most people for not wanting to help. But I’m hoping that you recognize yourself at least in part in some point in your lifetime wishing you didn’t waste over a decade, hopefully much less, (but any amount of time) and being worse off that you were in earlier days. For me that is dream of being able to jump in a Time Machine is in back to my early to mid twenties. That maybe you were once in life, you found yourself stuck (for whatever the reason may be) and could not find a way to get out (or unstuck). Each road, each road you shed blood sweat and tears hoping to end up on a different path, led you straight back onto the same one, time and time again. A counselor once described this kind of pain as a grassy pasture you walked from one destination to another- occasionally even when starting at a different point you would wear out a path from constantly walking back over that same section over and over again. That’s where I’m at. I’m not asking for anyone to bankroll a luxurious lifestyle but I’m asking to help me help get myself there. So I can afford to save and gain Back my independence, individuality, self worth and respect. But I can’t get there sharing a vehicle. Because I can’t work as many jobs and hours as I require to save up enough for first and last months rent plus security deposit..knowing without a doubt I can pay my own bills, not ever having to worry the electricity would get shut off (as it had for me so many times growing up) to know unequivocally, that I alone am in charge of taking care of all of those things and myself and my baby Ellie. It feels unbearable here most days. But I don’t qualify for a lot of resources since we are still legally married and can’t even file for divorce until we’ve been separated a year.

I chose the specific photo I did for my story, not by accident, but to remind myself to focus on what matters most. Who I’m fighting so hard for.. Not to turn around and waste another 10 years of my life because I was afraid I wasn’t worthy, or able of doing better by myself and to never allow relationships to derail my own progress in life. It’s easier to put all of yourself into another person than it is yourself. Especially when you’ve learned by example. All of the changes I need to make and money I need to save and time it will take to become fully independent again is daunting. I long to return to school and finish my degree, but without a reliable vehicle, I can’t pursue better job opportunities that would allow me to move forward simply because of how far away they are. I’m reaching out not just to share my struggles, but to ask for support in finding a way out.

If you feel compelled to help, know that I’ve learned many painful lessons about learning “to put on my own oxygen mask first”, as the saying goes. I sincerely hope that some other people relate to this in one way or another- even if not at all and remember you can’t think less or worse or me than I already do. You don’t have to help and I won’t pressure anyone to help who doesn’t want to- I honestly wonder if I was in an alternate universe and came from a life of privilege for the most part (where the tides were turned) - if I’d bother helping donate to someone who clearly didn’t even think they were worthy enough to invest in themselves. That I’d rather buy a cup of coffee than help a person who dug their own grave. If I hadn’t lived my life if I’d even bother reading to the end. Without thinking this is just another person wanting a “hand out”. I can promise you that’s not the case. But respect everyone’s individual choice. If you feel compelled to help, know that it took me 36 years and the loss of my mother my dog, marriage - or any sense of how I used to define myself to FINALLY realize I’m smart, strong and capable enough to change the narrative. To never again allow my deepest insecurities or fears make me believe anything other than the beautiful and best parts of myself. Even if no one else does. I finally have managed to convince myself of what I’m truly worth. Rather than feeling that I always was less than deserving of anything other that what another person defined someone I was.

I am an open book, and if you have any questions or want to know more before deciding to support me, please reach out. Thank you for taking the time to listen to my story.

Im horrified having to admit I’m far from what I portray online. And that most of the time my smile is something I wear like a suit of armor. Because most people don’t truly give a fuck when they ask how you are. I’ve found most people become uncomfortable in a way that is physically obvious in their body language and lack of eye contact when you actually do speak your truth and actual reality. So I’m obviously not doing too good and would otherwise not let down my guard and be as transparent and honest about my situation and inability to get there alone. I hope whoever is reading this right now doesn’t look away or get uncomfortable about the truth. I hope instead you help in anyway amount you can afford. Even if it’s a dollar, seeing that someone cared enough to donate anything at all will only help further fuel and encourage me. I’m not sure I could bare seeing that very few people out of the thousands of “friends” I currently have- only a handful, or at most a dozen, find me worthy of donating even a single dollar to help- it would be nothing short of  devastating. But I will thank the universe for any amount of people in my corner. Small or large.

Love to all, thanks for taking the time to even read all of this.

XO- Brianna