Tl;dr:

I need 6000 dollars to get my license back, and I'm asking for an additional 4000 dollars in support to put towards a place to live and a car payment while I rebuild my life again, this time fearlessly

I've lost income by not being able to drive. Most employers and opportunities in alignment, and even those that are just jobs with my goals require a driver's license

If you're wondered why it's taken so long and so much for me to ask for help, just know it's not from a lack of trying.

I have been living in fear for 11 years. I've lived an incredible life so far, and you wouldn't believe it but I've been playing it so very small by hiding my struggles;

By not asking for help;

By not disclosing my battles;

By taking the advice of those who I knew did not wish me well but who were familiar and comfortable in exchange for my own comfort and familiarity.

Because at my most vulnerable, it was those closest to me who did the most severe and enduring harm.

When I cried out to those who witnessed the violences against me, they turned away. And when I asked those who knew for refuge, they turned Me away.

So I twisted and conformed myself

And masked my pain with my beauty

And charm. And wit. And achievements. And all the acceptable, praiseworthy things a woman can do to be respectable.

I did it so well and shined so brightly that when I reached a point of autonomy

Where I finally felt safe and secure enough to test the waters with a whisper of the screams of my horrors that I endure, the horrors I survived in hopes of one day feeling like I could get back on track and could reclaim my life my tests were flunked with dismissal, denials, and minimizations.

Denials by family who only saw me as believing I was too good for them when I completed the path they set for me.

Dismissals by former friends who only saw my desire to stay out late & away from home as long as possible to dance out the daily barrage of violence to my mind, Spirit, and body.

Minimizations by well-meaning associates and those with ill-intent alike, who had no idea that their criticism and "tough love" were downward punches down that landed like galoched curbstomps.

But I kept going. I kept going and going and going.

Even after the world stopped.

Even after my mother who became my biggest opp after her friend embezzled and abandoned her in illness died at the most inopportune time.

Even after those who I once trusted with my life and parts of my soul abandoned me in storms and trickles.

Even after so much death and love-loss and too many warm romances revealed themselves to be conquests of the ego.

Even after realizing there were targets on my injured back big enough for people I don't even know to be so embolden as to attack my reputation and my body in public, I kept going.

I kept going and going and going and nearly 11 years later I didn't recognize myself or my life at all.

I tried to pick up and keep going as I'd done so many times before, but the World changed and the semi-reliable support I had finally commited to not be part of my life;

I had to ask for help if I wanted to survive or even think about dreaming of thriving again.

So. 1 masters degree, 4 concussions, 2 cracked teeth, 3 back injuries, 2 second-degree burns, 3 motor vehicle incidents, 5 letters from the court withheld from me, 1 torn ligament, 2 midnight attacks, 3 stalkers, 5 funerals, 2 midday assaults, 3 traumatizing moves, nearly 1000 days of physical and psychological abuse, and 1 very bloody and several otherwise painful ER visits and too many years later, I am asking for help to get my driver's license and my life back.

I was raised to be an advocate, but was not taught how to advocate for Myself.

When you are raised to put other's before yourself; to minimize your needs for the sake of someone else's desires; and are punished for Being, even when you do exactly what you were supposed to do, asking for help isn't in your vocabulary.

I've lost income by not being able to drive. Most employers and opportunities in alignment with my goals, and even those that are just jobs require a driver's license.

I need 6000 dollars to get my license back, and I'm asking for an additional 4000 dollars in support to put towards a place to live and a car payment while I rebuild my life again, this time fearlessly.

Thank you for listening to my story. Your Time is invaluable and I thank you for dedicating a few minutes of your clock to me.

If you are unable to donate, please share and ponder on the fact that everyone has a story, and that story may not match their cover.

With Love and Gratitude,

Alanna'

NOTE:

I am still working on get the fee reduced or removed. I will update accordingly