Trying to get 155 dollars this week for a doctor. I'm already up to 2600 in moving expenses and going into debt and havent even moved yet. All help appreciated.

Grief is visceral. It unhinges us. We are standing on the planet…but it not on its axis. How do I know? I am falling off of our planet…gravity doesn’t exist for us when we grieve. It takes every ounce of strength to open our eyes. Sometimes that is all we can do in our grief. Try not to fall off the planet and spin so out of control…that we are lost in the cosmos. This is grief. In all it’s beauty. We don’t mean to lash out at you. We are trying to figure out where our next breath will come. When we get that breath…we may scream and it may be toward you. But we don’t mean to hurt you. Sometimes we can’t move to get out of bed. When we do…we may run right into you. We don’t mean to. We are unhinged. We don’t know if we will be able to control ourselves. We are terrified. We are devastated and some of us lose our faith in grief. Others grab onto faith and others turn away. Everything we know about existence, relationships, love…is shattered and we are on fire spinning out of control. Please forgive me as I lash out at you. You haven’t done anything wrong…no one has…we are unhinged and hanging by a thread to this planet. We are terrified we won’t have one more breath…and terrified we will remain breathing. We are afraid to eat. So we don’t eat or we eat everything in sight. And as such whatever I do…I am so unhinged I am not to be trusted. Please do not believe anything I say to you or scream at you…it’s got nothing to do with you. We are unhinged and the terror and devastation looks like we hate you. We don’t. We hate that we lost someone we love so much. We can’t even see you right now. Our eyes are glued shut because of our tears, and exhaustion. The rug has been pulled out from under us…and we are trying to get our footing. We don’t know whether to eat or fast…drink or be thirsty. A moment ago…things were good…in the next moment we are unhinged. We don’t even know if we will smile again and when we do we feel guilty. How can we smile when the one we love…can’t. We don’t even try. We don’t shower because removing our garments then putting them on…reminds us when our loved one was here in the flesh. We don’t brush our teeth…because we don’t dare open our mouth…we have no clue what will come out of it…we are unhinged. The earth is not spinning on its axis and we know with absolute certainty we are falling, spinning out of control and unhinged. Please forgive me for how I treat you in my grief. I don’t mean to lash out at you. I lash out at you because I need you to hold me…but I don’t dare tell you…what if I lose you too? I can’t grieve you too…I am unhinged. And you are not the problem. I am. I am unhinged. Please forgive me. Know that my mouth may be saying horrible things but I don’t know it. I can’t hear myself talk, scream or even think. Please forgive me. I am unhinged. I don’t know what way is up…I don’t even notice the tears I shed almost constantly…I am unhinged. I don’t mean to hurt you. I love you. I am doing the very best I can as I am unhinged. When I lash out at you..it is simply because I am falling off the planet…where maybe I can be with the one I have lost…I am unhinged….i am so sorry I am lashing out at you…please forgive me…I am unhinged.Thank you for your support! 

The donations so far are making it possible to get the help I need and relieve me of worrying how to pay for it. XO

My sister and my dear kind friend

“I know not what the greater be

The part of me that died with you

Or the part of you that lives with me.”

I lost my sister last week and could use any help for grief support, and trying to get packed and moved, since now I am alone here.

Your donation will go to monthly membership and any extra would be used toward moving costs.

I will update as we go.

Thank you.

I am trying to move back to CA and getting overwhelmed, it's a lot for one person, especially when that person is me right now.

Any support is deeply appreciated.

LMK if you would like I an send a code for free download of my music-I want to give back if at all possible.

Below is a link to the group I just joined, and that I am recommending the girls join too.

https://www.davidkesslertraining.com/gift

Fathers, Falling

By Sherman Alexie

An hour after my father died

in a hospital bed two hundred

and eighty miles away, I dropped

to my knees in our living

room, fell onto all fours

like a struck dog, wailing,

then collapsed completely onto

the floor with my face pressed

against the hardwood. Since then,

I've walked over this grieving

place too many times to count.

I don't always remember how

I sobbed on the day that my father

died. Grief takes longer and longer

breaks as the decades pass

but, this morning, I paused,

stood in the space where I fell,

and held onto my father's ghost

for a moment longer than usual.

I remembered falling. I remembered

falling. I remembered falling. I

remembered falling. And I knew,

inside that falling—that repeated

falling—is my love for my father.

It's difficult to accept this fact

but grief is a good thing. Grief is

our wisest instructor. Grief

is what makes us fall. Grief is

what teaches us how to crawl. Grief

is what shows us how to rise

again to our feet and be grateful

for the terrible, beautiful cost

of losing all that must be lost.