Today I’m waiting for the heart surgeon to tell me if I’m headed to a double bypass today or Monday, depending on my clotting levels. How did I get here? Caring for others, full dedication to a nursing career where putting everyone else ahead of my own health was a priority. Working through pain, injuries, shortness of breath, weight gain, and loss. Always telling myself there’s next year to slow down.

So in November, I realized at the ER I was struggling to care for 8 to 12 patients by myself, so I resigned graciously. I moved to a rehab where I don’t have insurance yet. And then Saturday, while working and caring for two halls with over 60 residents, I developed chest pain, but I finished my 14-hour shift and headed to the ER. There, I learned from a failed heart cath yesterday that I have three significant blockages: LAD 99 percent, which is where I have three prior stents from last year in March, 80 percent blockage in RCA, and 55 percent in circumflex. The only option is open-heart surgery.

As I wait for the thinner to clear, I have runs of v-tach and severe chest pain. I hold my smile for my children and grandbabies during their visits. I realize the past four months I’ve struggled to maintain my finances, calling in sick and leaving the ER, and have used my 401(k)s to maintain. I’m worried I won’t be able to care for my puppies, keep my apartment, and pay for utilities. I’ve canceled everything I can and put everything on hold that I can. If I live, which I’m hoping I do, the recovery with no complications is 7-12 weeks, so I’m praying I’ll be able to go back to some type of job at that point. Not sure if my present job will happen, but I’m a positive person.

If you are able to think of me, pray for me, or offer a few dollars for me in my current situation, I would be humbled. Truly humbled. I’ve been independent all my life, and this is truly unexpected and terrifying.