50th Birthday Computer Fund

Above is part of my last collection of character designs for Second Life.

I am a web app developer, platform builder and 3D designer.

I have been working to build an independent content studio since March 2017. My efforts were significantly thwarted in 2020 and 2021, when my former business partner appropriated several thousand dollars owed to me that had been earmarked for a replacement computer rig. Without the new machine, working has become nearly impossible and all attempts to start up the studio have, to date, failed.

I have had many setbacks, not just the pandemic and the tech industry's semi-implosion over the last couple of years.

For the last two and half years I have been grappling with the effects menopause has had on my ADHD and autism. It's been quite horrendous. Not being able to work at any level has done much damage to my life, my confidence and my self esteem.

I was managing up until the money was taken from me, after that, my life started to break down because I had to say no to work, and shelve all my more ambitious ideas as the machine I have now was already skittering towards the edge of death and I felt a shitty computer was better than no computer.

But that has consequences.

I have been in a state of penury... not quite abject poverty, but pretty close since September 2020. My son and I go hungry regularly, more often than not, despite getting regular help from my community. There just is never enough to be comfortable and our most basic needs beyond shelter and food every other week, are not being met. We get just enough help to stay alive, but that's it.

What's more, even this help is wearing me down emotionally and spiritually. I need some measure of independence or what's the point? I appreciate my friends so much, their help has kept my son and I alive, but for someone as independent as me, it has been emotionally crushing to be so dependent on others. I know this is a response to past trauma, but it doesn't change the need to be able to do something (anything) for myself. I may always need help, but I'd like to reduce the amount and regularity by being able to do more for my family.

My current MacBook Air, inadequate when I got it six years ago, is now dying. The body is swelling, it randomly cuts off, and it is agonisingly slow to do anything. I haven't been able to use Photoshop and my core toolkit for over nearly three years because the machine has been slowly giving up its ghost.

I've done everything I can to extend its life, but it's now undeniably dying. And when it goes, all ability to do even small jobs will be gone. I also haven't had a solid phone in two and half years, which again makes even small level development impossible.

My terror of being without even the shitty computer is what prompted me to swallow my fears, imposter syndrome and anxieties and prepare this rather lowkey campaign.

I turn 50 on April 13th. I generally don't get presents of any kind, and rarely celebrate my birthday. Not in the last twenty years or so at least.

This birthday is a milestone I never thought I would reach. 50 feels like a big number. My best friend didn't make it. My brother didn't make it. But here I am... turning 50.

This year, all I want is a chance to leave poverty behind and a chance to start living life again.

I need a replacement computer set up to do that, because my life just doesn't work without a reliable machine. The evidence is buried in the nature of my suffering since the start of the pandemic.

Just like a surgeon needs a scalpel set with different gauges, or carpenters need the right tools to split and shape wood, I too need the right tools and equipment to create.

If you have enjoyed my writing over the last thirty odd years, my skins, my 3d builds, if you have loved me or just enjoyed me... I am asking for your help. If you have helped me in the past, please help me now. I've never needed it more.

Please grant me this birthday wish.

My son said this when I told him I was just going to do a GoFundMe to get a replacement computer rig, he said:

"Tell them Mami. Tell them they can help lift this whole house out of poverty."

Yes. You can help us escape poverty. Do it. It's a good thing to do.

Use of funds: