She kinda wants to live, please help.

Hi friends,

I’ve been very vocal about all of this on social media but the stakes are rising. I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder (manic depression) when I was 21 years old. I started medication at 28 after a particularly bad depressive episode in the fall of 2017 where I was certain I wouldn’t make it if I experienced another one like that.

For 5 years I was relatively stable and didn’t have the low low lows that had increasingly been getting worse. Then in 2023 I moved to NYC and my depression came back with a vengeance. I almost didn’t make it but I wanted to have an epic note so I told everyone that I was going back to finish my undergraduate degree in film because it was comedy adjacent but really I wanted to make a documentary to say goodbye.

My depression came back again in fall of 2024 and I withdrew from the semester, stopped worrying about an epic note and purchased the things I needed to execute my plan.

But as bipolar luck would have it, my three months of depression came to an end and I was fine.

And now we’re here today. Romantic love kindled my first manic episode when I was 21 and alas it’s happened again at age 35. But with medication I’ve not progressed to full mania, just hypomania. It’s dangerous residing in this hypomanic state though because negative events have been leading to mixed episodes where depression leaches in to the excitement and suicide seems like a logical conclusion for a lot of my problems.

It’s really hard being badly broken… and self aware. I have many talents and gifts and hopes and dreams, but I’m afraid that my brain is the limiting factor in me living.

I really need to be hospitalized until this passes so I’m asking you all to help me. Help me stay alive.