Brian's Recovery
I have always been a quiet person since I was very young. Aways daydreaming and thinking about the future and what I would be like when I grew up. A fair amount of my quietness revolved around not feeling included or taken seriously, which made me depressed and anxious at the same time. I didn't know why this was all inside me. I always yearned for acceptance and inclusion. At the same time, I wanted to help everyone, even if it meant nothing in return. This has been something that I still deal with now socially.
I discovered music at a very early age, and it seemed to ease my thoughts and lightened my depression. As I grew into my teens and into college, I began writing and playing music as a way to express myself. I had tremendous success and began to feel a part of something. This made me way more social and boosted my ego to a higher plane.
After graduating and a year of Masters study, I got into the real world, and there was an immediate crash. My first marriage failed after a short time due to irreconcilable differences. It crushed me. Suddenly, I was right back to a depressive, anxious state of mind. I found myself alone again and barely wanted to have anything to do with music, nor did I have time. I was in survival mode, and I began drinking here and there to cope. I met a woman later who changed my life during that hard time. We got married and started raising 3 children who are spectacular.
I had found a teaching job and loved it for 17 years. My family and my job were thriving. My job was great, but I had issues with not having full control over my program as my higher up was highly critical with unrealistic expectations. This is when occasional drinking at home started to turn into every other day and eventually every day as soon as I was home. Keep in mind that I had literally no friends outside of work, so I became a closet drinker as I tried my best to hide this from virtually everyone I cared about in my life. I would begin drinking anytime I could just to make it through a day when I was not working, including nights, all weekend, and at events or before going to events. My life was slowly becoming unmanageable and drew me even more into depression and anxiety. I hated myself for this, but I was still not convinced myself that this was a problem and refused treatment of any kind. I swore to myself that I was not an alcoholic and thought less of the few people I knew that actually were.
I dealt with long periods of insomnia and anxiety and continued to turn to alcohol as my coping mechanism. In addition to that, my tolerance grew, and I needed more to achieve the effect I was looking for, which never came. Keep in mind that this was nothing I wanted to do, but I could not stop myself. It was beginning to affect and infect my family as I was no longer a closet drinker at home. I was boldly doing it right in front of my family at this point without any thought about how toxic I was becoming to them. I was only thinking of myself. I was not going to bars, not partying, and took no other drugs of any kind. However, my acoholism was now beginning to affect my physical health. There were a lot of binge sessions that would force me to not be involved in most activities. Eventually, I found myself tired of being tired of trying to live this way. I had been selfishly trying to manage this on my own and finally sought treatment. It's never too late.
In March of this year, I went to detox and continued my recovery afterward. I never saw this ever happening to me. Rest assured, this is a disease. I am still working on the stages of the program and have been away from my family for a few months now, living in Florida. Here I am again alone. I found a great center called Recovery Unplugged. It is highly music based and has given me a chance to be vulnerable and see some of the shortcomings in my life. It's costly, and my bank account is low. I am striving to stay with this program because the treatment is top-notch and has helped me stay sober and dig deep into my feelings. Eventually, I would like to be back home, of course, but my sobriety is my first priority right now.
I know this is a lot to read and some of you may not even get this far but, if you do, I am desperately looking for support so that I can complete the program and continue my life as a greatful recovering alchoholic.
Please know I do not wish anyone to feel obligated to do anything. Just read my story and take it as you wish. Any of you who really know me, I'm not a bad person. I have just made some wrong decisions. I do hope that if you find time that you might consider forwarding this page along. Many people suffer from this disease and might get something out of this.
Truly,
Brian D Joyce
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