If you know me, you're not surprised by me giving this GFM a raunchy title. ;) And you'll understand the reference in just a second. So, here's the deal. In November, I was diagnosed with the BRCA2 mutation. If you know what that is, your stomach already dropped for me. If you don't know what it is, it's the breast cancer/ovarian cancer/pancreatic cancer/skin cancer gene (yes! all the cancer!). When the geneticist reached out to me, I went numb all over and started shaking. Her first words to me, after telling me I'd tested positive, were to tell me I'd need to develop a relationship with my "team of surgeons" as soon as possible. TEAM OF WHO NOW? I would be meeting with a gynecological oncologist, a breast surgeon, plastic surgeon, gastrointerologist, and dermatologist. I've had my share of traumatizing medical news in the past few years, and my brain just couldn't handle it.

I've spent the last four months in more doctor's appointments than I've had in my adult life. It is at once overwhelming and dystopian. They can tell me EXACTLY what portion of my DNA is mutated and what percent likelihood I'll develop breast cancer (85%) and by what age I will likely develop it. But for all the exactness of the diagnosis, there is basically no preventive treatment. Right now, there are two options: surgery - massive, invasive surgery - or wait and see. The recommendation is that I have an immediate double mastectomy. My response to this, in fairly typical Dan fashion, was ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY NOT, let's discuss other options.

So I am at a crossroads at the moment, you see. And now you'll understand my reference to Schroedinger. The original version of this is "Schroedinger's Cat" - a thought experiment used to understand quantum mechanics. It basicially says that if there is a cat in a box that the fate of the cat is unknown until the cat is observed. While the cat remains unobserved, it could be either dead or alive. It is only in observation that the fate of the cat is resolved into one or the other. And that's where my tits come in. I've now had MRIs and sonograms and mammograms and all kinds of tit-o-grams to ascertain the health of my breast tissue, but at the end of the day, we don't know what's going to happen. I am now going in for scans every six months, but in the interim, you're always waiting and wondering.

Could I have my tits lopped off? You betcha. In fact, two women in my life had this done this past fall. They are IN THEIR THIRTIES. JFC.

Now, before you get all, "Dan, your tits aren't worth your life!" um, first off, yes they are, they are glorious milk bags that supported a human life for a year and also are perky yet classy, but also, I'm no dummy. I did my research. Here's the deal: Breast cancer is so detectable these days, and so treatable, that the surgery itself, while totally preventing the cancer (just whack off them tiddies!), might not prolong my life. I could die of something else entirely (like the other cancers! ha!) before I would succomb to breast cancer. Knowing this, and with the blessing of my very stoic and no-nonsense female doctor, I am content to continue with scans from now until forever.

But the ovarian cancer - dudes, that's the bad one. By the time they detect it (because detection measures for ovarian cancer are soooo much less sensitive and are unreliable), you're in end-stage cancer. This isn't one I can wait and see about - my likelihood of developing it is too high. But I don't know that I'm done having babies (come on! knock me up!), and I'm not ready to have a full hysterectomy and go into full-blown menopause rightthissecond. I have a few years I can wait. But at some point, I have to let go of the dream of another kiddo and come to terms with the medical reality of losing my uterus and ovaries. It sucks. But I'm trying to process it.

And this is why I'm here, doing this Go Fund Me. When I go through something hard, I tend to reach out, to talk to my community, to find others who have gone through the same thing. But it's still so often taboo to talk about reproductive health in our country. And I NEEEEED to process this. So I decided to hike the Appalachian Trail. Because sometimes you just need to get outside and walk that shit out. But I don't want to just go do it. I want to bring you all with me. I want to share my journey, and I want to honor other people who have been affected by cancer along the way.

Along my hike, I would like to dedicate each mile or set of miles to a person you love (or to you!). If you have been affected by cancer, lost a loved one, know someone else going through this - I want to share their story. But I want to share all the beautiful, quirky, unique, fun, loveable parts of that person. I want to know about their favorite song, their favorite poem, what food they made the best, what their dumbest habits were, the things that drove you nuts and the things you miss the most. I want to know what they collected and if they danced or rode horses or could knit. And I am going to make tributes to them. I'll create a biodegradable art piece that I'll post on your person's portion of the trail so that other hikers can see and read about them. And (this might be a stretch, but I think this would be really, really cool), I'd like to make a daily TikTok of my hikes and talk about the people I've "walked with" that day. I'll be meditating on your people, loving them for you, and sharing their part of the trail with you.

This is the way I want to process my own diagnosis. To build community, to help other people process, to grow the love and grace in the world. At the end of the day, we're all just walking each other home. This walk of mine will be roughly 300-500 miles (my "short" distance will be to Hot Springs, NC and my long distance would be to Damascus, VA). I'll be starting on Springer Mountain in early June. Hiking with me will be longtime wilderness buddy and fellow spiritual person, Alexia Springer (appropriate last name for this!).

It costs anywhere from $4-$7/mile to hike the Appalachian Trail, so I'm hoping to raise $2500 to help with costs. In return, I'll craft a tribute for your person that honors who they are and celebrates all the things you love about them. And I'll share the daily journey with you on social media, so you can see the part of the trail dedicated to your loved one.

Thank you for reading this far. It's taken me a LONG time to decide to tell people about this. It's intimidating because I'm at the end of my doctorate, I'm raising Sully, and life jusssst started to get back to normal after the pandemic. I don't know how to handle this or take it in stride. And honestly, I can't. It's too big. So, I gotta go. I gotta go walk and walk and walk. And hopefully come out clearer and calmer at the end. It's only a section hike this time around - a thru-hike is a dream that might happen someday, but this time it'll just be 30 days.

Please feel free to reach out, share this, donate, or just send me some love and light.

Love,

Me and my pretty tiddies