Saving for Gender Affirmation Surgery

Hi.

I appreciate you coming to my GoFundMe page. These days there seem to be a lot of people begging for help for so many reasons. Thank you for taking the time to look at mine.

My name is Hazel Rio Jade. I am 39 years old. I was assigned male at birth and spent most of my life as a man. I ignored all the signs, and there were many, and tried to put my head down and carry on. This became impossible after I had a child. My desire to mother was too strong to ignore. Then my baby died in an accident at the age of 15 months. They were unapologetically and joyfully themselves with definite desires and opinions. They loved their pink tutu, their dinosaur shoes, and spicy food. I am trying to be like them, to be who I am to honor them and myself. And the more I commit to that, the less possible it is to ignore my dysphorias.

My GoFundMe is to help me save to get Gender Reassignment Surgery, "Bottom Surgery". My anatomy has caused me increasing distress over the years and has become something I can no longer live with. I have had a phantom vagina nearly as far back as I can recall. One of my earliest memories is of being around two or three and consciously exploring my body for the first time. I remember being confused. Having a penis was like having an extra thumb. Not having a vagina felt like being a sewn-up ragdoll. I felt malformed. I still feel this way, and I have lived with that feeling for too long. I am coming to realize that the option for change, for alignment, is there, is real, and that my only genuine hurdle is financial.

I have been on hormone therapy for nearly four years now and have never felt more myself. I look forward to the next four years of hormones and the changes that will come, bringing my body more into focus and alignment with who I expect to see when I look in the mirror. But the awkwardness between my legs will not go away with hormones. My dysphoria there will not fix itself. Not without help.

I am writing this in a camper. My home. I used to be self-employed. I made decent money, maybe great money, but it was manual labor and my body was wearing down fast. When my baby died I got reckless. I was priced out of my apartment and forced to move. I found it difficult to find reasons to continue. I got injured working to afford the move, a fracture in the arch of my foot which led to severe plantar fasciitis. Then I got injured again. I broke my lower back and between my shoulders. Then Covid hit. Whatever happened in my back set wrong and now I'm awaiting a permanent Disability determination. Disability has strict work restrictions while awaiting a determination so, though I am looking and applying, I am unhireable. When the Covid renter protections lifted I was evicted and became homeless. So here I am, penniless and living in a camper with dysphoria, trying to figure out how to make ends meet without just using up the goodwill of the people around me who are keeping me alive.

Meanwhile, I am going to therapy, trying to do little chores for people to get my bills paid, and all I want, I would give up what little I have left for a body that doesn't make me feel crazy. Depression like this is a strange thing. I can have days full of wonder at the beauty of the world. I feel the joy of being, of expressing that joy, and of being with and helping others. Then when the sun sets and I'm alone, when the gaff comes off, the depression sets in. It's untenable.

There is a lot in my recent history, the last five or six years, that is tragic, even horrible. I have survived a lot. I try to downplay it when I talk about it, how miserable I have been, how hurt, because I don't think anyone can even read about it and stay emotionally connected with the realities I have faced. I shut down talking about it because it's too much. If you read this and didn't shut down, you are a hero of an empath. But this dysphoria is something I can't live with, and I can't fix it by myself. So please, if you can help, anything, no matter how small, is a gift of hope that I will never be able to express the depths of my appreciation for.

So, here is what I know. I've done some research, like a lot, and I have decided I want a partial peritoneal flap vaginoplasty. It's a surgery with about 90 years of history for women's health that has been combined with a penile inversion surgery to create a full neovagina. It's a fantastic combination of newer plastic surgery for transgender women and tried and true vaginal reconstructive surgeries. It's brilliant and has a tremendous success rate with minimal complications as far as surgery of this caliber goes. In the United States this surgery, with all it entails, can cost upwards of $85,000. In Thailand it can be as inexpensive as $25,000. The issue is that I would need a new passport, transportation, and living expenses for an extended stay (around a month for in-person check-ups) for recovery in a foreign country with no support or income. It's Thailand, so I still think it will be the least expensive option. While I'm under the knife I would be super happy for a stretch goal of a tracheal shave and possibly other minor facial feminization surgeries; however, I really don't want to change my facial appearance too much. I really like my face for the most part. I just hate my Adam's Apple.

I'm certain I will end up adding more to this for updates and whatnot. I want this to be fully transparent and interactive for the people rooting for me on my journey. I love you all, and I am so happy to share my journey with people who want to know about it!