HELLO! MY NAME IS TRACEY, and I’m a young artist and storyteller losing my vision. But this isn’t a matter of slapping on a pair of glasses! My eyes have built up a debilitating multitude of problems and, after over a year of being ignored and kicked into the dirt by insurances, I recently learned that I have permanent eye damage. But here’s the good thing: you can still help save my ability to see.

Let me explain. In early February 2019, I finally visited an eye doctor in San Jose who specializes in severe dry eye and meibomian gland dysfunction cases. If you don’t know what these are, I basically can’t have my eyes open or closed without them feeling cold, patchy, painful, and sharply stinging. (Further description of my symptoms will be in my CaringBridge JOURNAL.) It’s crucially difficult for me to stand even looking at things, especially screens, and even flipping a light switch on and off can cause pain and physical stress. It’s gotten to the point where it’s not simply that my glands don’t work correctly; I can’t even blink correctly, and that cyclically wrecks my vision continually, every day and night.

In addition, the oil glands in my eyelids are EIGHTY PERCENT blocked.
I’m working on only twenty percent power (at best), and it’s no wonder that I can barely function. I can’t work, I dropped four classes this semester, I can’t read text--I’m basically losing control of my life because I’m losing the ability to even keep my eyes open, and they can’t shut correctly on their own.

In addition to the blockage, I am already experiencing permanent loss of my oil glands (gland atrophy). The eye specialist directly informed me that once they die, they don’t come back. And I don’t know what percentage of them I have left. (Further details will be in the GALLERY of my CaringBridge. Once I am driven back to the doctor, I can take a photo of the gland scans to share.)

Oftentimes I feel like a car that has had its engine destroyed or removed. There’s no way that that car can achieve its true function without someone giving it a lot of repair and maintenance.

This is where you come in. You have the ability to help me preserve what’s left of my vision AND heal it from its current mess. The eye doctor said that there are enough of my glands left to save my sight, and they have a procedure for unclogging my blocked oil glands. I may never get back to seeing 100%, but we can definitely improve my situation from this point. We: because I can’t do this alone.

Let me further backtrack, now that you have the main facts. I have been struggling alone with this eye condition for over the past year (and up to five years). But everywhere I went, nobody (I went through at least three doctors) had solid or much information I could work with or I otherwise simply couldn’t afford the care. I finally stumbled into the dry eye spa/eye specialist in San Jose to treat my eyes, but it was only after at least a year of being pingponged back and forth through the American health insurances incessantly telling me I needed different referrals, or a different doctor to give me a prescription to attempt, or outright denying me TWICE to see another eye doctor that I found this specialist (which, of course, my insurance does not cover at all). All the while, my eyes have severely degenerated.

Did I mention that this is also separately damaging my mental health? On the very last day of 2018, I had a complete mental breakdown because I received a denial from insurance about getting care for my eyes (<sarcasm>what a great way to ring in the upcoming year, you know?</sarcasm>). I could hardly read the text in the mailed letter, and yet the insurance didn’t think my eyes were a big deal. But I know that if I can see and thus function properly again, I can get myself--my heart, my hopes, my life--back on track. I just need a lot of help from others to give me a fighting chance.

Everyone who knows me seems to remember me for my bright energy and inspirational passion. But those who know me well have been noticing that my brightness has been diminishing. My eye condition leaves me distraught and anxious most days, from wake to sleep. There’s no sense of stability; how am I supposed to make plans for tomorrow when I don’t know whether I’ll be able to see and go out or whether I’ll have to stay home? My skills revolve around visual arts, music, and writing; but if I can’t look at screens or paper, how can I expect myself to draw, paint, read, or film? I feel like all the skills I’ve worked so hard to learn are being taken from me. I feel like I’m losing more and more of myself because I can’t reliably see.

Everything for which I have striven in the past year--from writing heartfelt letters to painting drawings, from blogging online to earning levels in martial arts--I have achieved and created while simultaneously knowing that *that* piece of art could be my very last. But no amount of bracing yourself that you might actually go blind … actually makes you want to go blind. To lose my eyes has been a huge fear of mine since childhood, not because I foresaw myself being hit with multiple vision illnesses, but because some part of me always knew that I would need sight to best use my skills for this world.

Please support saving my eyesight.

-- TO FRIENDS --

I have a GoFundMe to raise funds for my medical needs, but I do also have a Paypal (and also accept checks, if you would rather bypass GoFundMe’s percentage cut or for any other reason) that you can ask me for (if we’re friends who already know each other).

Did you want to hang out with me--maybe grab a tea or go exercise with me, but I can't go out with you because I can't see? You can drop the coffee money you would have spent with me into the GoFundMe! Or perhaps you wanted to catch film or festival with me, but I can't look at TV or movies these days or be outside in even light winds? Dropping what you would have spent on movie or event tickets into my eyesight fund will definitely help me get on the right path to being able to watch something with you in the future! 

If you can’t donate right away (maybe your payday hasn’t hit yet or you just can’t add in this month), I will still appreciate your support if you come back to aid me in the near future. And in the meantime, I will appreciate if you can send this link to at least two of your friends who you think would be able to help me! 

(Edit: Please note that the Tributes tab on CaringBridge DOES NOT SUPPORT ME. If you add money there, that will be supporting the CaringBridge website which, while nice, does not fund or support my medical care directly.)

Both GoFundMe and CaringBridge are available as websites and as apps. You can use either the website or app for CaringBridge to set your Notifications and to access the Planner to accept Tasks.

FRIENDS, if ever you cared for me and my wellbeing, please help me now. I’m not going to lie; I’ve been working on this CaringBridge/GoFundMe for weeks [maybe months] but I’ve only just finished writing it. Not only because it is physically painful for me to look at screens and to type/read text, but because I struggle internally with asking for help and accepting that I’m unable to Do Things. Instead of posting this sooner, I’ve had at least FOUR anxiety attacks slow me down from asking for help because, in the end, I’m afraid that nobody is gonna care--not even my friends. My voice is cracking, my lips are trembling, and hands are shaking as I type/admit this in the solitude of my apartment: I’m terrified.

I’m afraid that I won’t be able to see, which is already happening and has been literally eating away at me for most of the past year, and that the eye condition only going to get worse. I’m scared that as I lose glands and sight, people won’t come visit or even want to hang out with me because it’s too difficult for them to come up with activities that don’t involve seeing. I’m panicking that all of my dreams--education, career, travel, home--they all end here because the eye condition has taken over too much. But most of all, I’m terrified that people will only see me as Convenient. Tracey is that upbeat friend who always has their door open and a couch to crash on. That fun party guest that you’ll always invite to your wedding. That person who always has snacks and good advice for you when you’re down.

But what happens when Tracey is incapacitated? I don’t easily show that side of myself anymore because most people I open up to get bored of me when I need aid, and I’m sick of being let down by those to whom I gave my trust. But if this is truly going to be the last set of letters I can VISUALLY COMPLETE and write to my friends or anyone, really, then … I’ll go out with a bang. Help me. Support me. Show me. I NEED TO SEE.

-- Ways to Help --

1) Financially support me to get the eye care I need

2) Drive me to San Jose and back to get the eye care I need (this would likely be an all-day affair with an appointment set in the mid/late afternoon; check Ways to Help > Planner > Tasks on CaringBridge for scheduling and volunteering)

(Further options will be on my CaringBridge under JOURNAL but those are honestly the two biggest ways to help.)

-- CaringBridge --

Follow my medical journey on my CaringBridge and learn other ways to help care for me!
✨✨ -Tracey

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Above written early February 2019
Current treatment begun late February 2019
Below edits mid March 2019
Updated fundraising numbers:

+ $179 general exam (first doctor consultation, includes gland scans)
+ $29 retinal photos
- $20 office discount/referral
= $188
+ $15 night eye ointment
+ $120 home care/homework/gland maintenance kit (includes hot/cold compresses, foam cleanser, eye mask, box of gel ointments, plus a zipper bag)
= $323 {2/7/19}

+ $499* (dry eye spa treatments x4, basic initial treatment [through March 2019]) {2/18/19}

+ $109 (future medical follow-up doctor consultation [estimate] in early April)

+ $1399* (dry eye spa, once a month, future 12 months [there are multiple future maintenance packages, and this is what I feel most comfortable with after basic treatments])

* This is a package deal price. One dry eye spa appointment on its own without a package commitment is $200. There are other packages (ex. $749 bimonthly for 6 treatments, post-basic treatment plan) as well.

^ The above are numbers I've discussed with staff at the dry eye spa.
(If there’s an error, my notebook can be check, in case I miswrote a number too quickly.)

Below are general estimates. You might count them as “optional” numbers because they're not "exact charges" by the spa/office, but I acknowledge that dry eye/meibomian gland dysfunction is a chronic condition and that what's estimated below will help me learn how to manage it increasingly better as more time passes.

+ $500 [estimate] future supply refills.
+ $670 [estimate] current and future transport costs.

Supply refills: I've been using items from the home care kit, and they're noticeably helping me recover, one day at a time. But the items do run out with use, and I like to keep well-stocked, especially since travel back to the spa/office is not simple for me. Examples include night eye ointment ($15) and eyelid foam cleanser ($40). So, obviously, each item alone isn't pricey (and restocking is optional, or at least varies from patient to patient), but having financial support in advance for supplies I know I'll definitely use is a load off my mind.
(ex. I bought a spare cleanser at the spa/office on 2/25/19, and I’ve been paying out-of-pocket for various eye drops outside of the spa/office for the past 2-3 years)

Transport: Travel costs (i.e. gas money for driver friends) to and from Sacramento to San Jose. It’s a two to three -hour drive one way.

Update August 2019: I have chosen the bimonthly package deal at $749. I am focusing on my recovery first and will crunch further numbers after more treatment and healing.