Hello! My name is Sandra Koehl. Here's a brief story as to why I'm asking for help, however embarrassing that is for me. I'll leave a TLDR (and other ways to donate) at the end, if you wish to skip specifics!

For over a decade, I was a shut-in, and no one really saw me. I suffered severely from agoraphobia (afraid to leave my home), constant panic attacks and chronic physical pain. I radically (for me) changed my entire way of eating in January '17. All I really wanted was to lose weight, as I was overmedicated, and massive. But I quickly began experiencing mental health benefits, as well as reversing chronic physical illness! So weight loss continued, 230ish pounds altogether, but took a side-seat to the amazing things that were happening with my physical health. I have lab work to prove it. I don't deviate from this diet to this day, as symptoms quickly return. I mean a couple hours after, there's an increase in physical pain and then GI symptoms, that used to have me so miserable. My A1C was bad, it was a 10.8, and in one month, while tapering off of Type II diabetes medication, pricking my finger to make sure my glucose didn't dip too much, I was rx and diabetes free! I won't make this longer by listing all the things that went away, that I didn't even know were reversible! Yay, right?

I must mention that in 2002, after being asked repeatedly by my psychiatrist why I was not on disability, that I applied. I filled out the application online over the course of a couple of weeks, and gave it everything I had. And over the course of about 2 years I was evaluated by specialists and declared 100% permanently disabled. This was about 2004.

Today is my birthday, I'm now 46! I never thought I'd live this long, and I'm honored, truly! This summer is my 10 year anniversary from my last attempt at ending my life, the last time I was placed in a psych ward, and it's also my 11.5 year anniversary from self injury. I share this not because I'm proud of what I did, at all! I only share to anyone who feels how I did, and believes there is no hope. Everyone, everyone gave up on me, because I kept hurting myself and trying to end it, honestly believing that being alive was a huge burden to my loved ones, and that following through would give them peace from me. Please, don't give up, just hang on with every single thing you have. Because these feelings are indescribably horrible, but they do come in waves. If you just hang on, until there is a troth, you'll make it. Circumstances change, even when I thought they could never. So please hold on to that, and hold out hope!

Because I felt so guilty for being basically incapacitated, unable to make art (my greatest love), and my dx'd social anxiety disorder (social phobia) was so bad that I didn't even log into social media for many years, I felt like I had to 'make up' for lost time. This was once I began to heal in 2017. I pushed myself to my personal limits daily. I was, and am, just ruthless with myself, in terms of how I view my 'body asking for rest/sleep' or how much I produce. It's never enough. Never. But I kept doing that. My mentality told me that that was just what I needed after 'wasting' so many years of my life.

I moved 3 times in the span of 1 year, and change is very hard for me. Even when it's change for the better. That sent me through a loop. But adopting 2 kittens, my babies, brought me so much joy, as I painted, cooked, dremeled, took many commissions, cleaned and organized pretty constantly, and more, they kept me company and were there for me. I took the best care I was able to of them! I kept them inside, as the outdoor cats my landlord had would have big wounds (we were in a wooded area, there were coyotes, etc) and I didn't have the kind of money to bring them to the vet and pay out of pocket should they ever get injured like that. And I'd be devastated if Pickle or Bubbles ended up 'missing'. Which did eventually happen to one of those sweet outdoor cats, after being seen chased by a coyote. I'd applied to all the income based/section 8 apartments I could in 2016. I'd actually received a letter about a vacancy from one that was far away. I didn't have a car. I loved where I lived and the decision to not move there was made after my dearest friend told me that it was too far, they all loved having me there. And it was delightful, like sisters I'd never had!

I had days where I had 'art block', which is similar to writer's block, but with painting. I had/have muscle spasms that do not ever stop, and sometimes my shoulders/arms will 'lock up' preventing me from painting. That's when I began incorporating other mediums, that way if I locked up, I'd keep creating, keep moving, keep producing, no matter what. I also took on pet sitting and/or house sitting for more than 8 doggies, and I'd bring my supplies to continue producing along with me. On days where I had that art block, I felt like a failure, and instead used those days to buy ingredients to make the best foods I could, to give away. I have a soft spot for anyone who works in customer service. It went to them and my friends/family who I love so dearly.

I 'worked' from the time I woke up to the time I fell asleep. Every day.( I actually still do) Even if my friend took me to Hobby Lobby or something on my Birthday, I'd always think that afterward I could still finish a painting, or jewelry, or glass engraving.. This person knew me better than anyone at the time, and warned me that I'd become a work-a-holic, and to take 2 days off a week. I told her I couldn't and that there were 1-3 days a year I had a hard time getting out of bed due to fibromyalgia, and those would be my days off. I never did what she said, and I should have. In fact, since 2017, I haven't taken a single day off, for the sole purpose of taking a day off. Or let myself watch a movie, or do 'enjoyable' things. What I'm experiencing right now is 100% my fault. I thought I could defy whatever specialists said. After all, I already had reversed irreversible things, right?

I had a noticeable increase in chronic physical pain (I forgot to mention I dx of fibromyalgia and Reynaud's phenomenon in.. '18, I think), and increase in spasms, insomnia, and fatigue. I was dx'd with chronic fatigue syndrome in my early 20s, but had no idea it was life long, as this was pre-internet. I could always push through the pain, kind of ignore it? But this became increasingly difficult. I kept telling my LPN, whom I've been seeing since Oct '18. I reached a dead end with her years ago. There's nothing they can do to help, aside from putting me on some of the very medications that blocked dopamine, and contributed to me wanted to delete myself. In 2019, even though I was eating the exact same foods that reversed my Type 2, my A1C was 'You have diabetes, here's metformin'. Instead of taking that, I went carnivore, as I'd already been looking into it for possible pain/fatigue relief (researching anecdotal stories). Boy did the weight fall off, but that wasn't what I was after. There was no improvement in the symptoms I was after. But my A1C is now safely at a 5.6. I realize now that my blood glucose shot up, despite not having any sugar and minimal carbohydrates, from stress. The amount of stress, cortisol and stress hormones have gotten many times worse, as more things happened, and I've still not allowed myself to purposefully rest. I've felt like that was not possible for me, in order to make ends meet. I just couldn't. I had to be even more productive, in fact. I did more research and added in the most brutal protocol I've ever done, and people who've done it quickly say it's the 'hardest thing they've ever done'. I did that, while trying to keep the same or more amount in productivity, for almost 3 years. That means doing things that took all day, some things I had to do 3 or more times/day, every day. But, it was so odd, I continued to slowly get worse, the same way I had been. Even when I finally got to meet with a naturopathic doctor, she was at a loss as to why I not only didn't improve, but got worse. (Eventually I had to switch back to the diet I started with, without meat, due to the cost. I believe this switch began in Oct 2023. )

This left me to troubleshoot, as everyone has unique physiology. With the last stimulus, though I really, really needed other things, I paid to have my one filling removed by a holistic dentist. Even with special equipment to protect me and them from mercury/mercury gas, the next day some things began happening that still affect me to this day. My eyelashes, eyebrows and hair starting falling out. I had little spikes at the top of my long hair that stood straight up, so I sprayed them down if I had to go anywhere. My body swelled, most noticeably in my lower extremities. And it was so embarrassing how I'd begun to try to speak and ramble on, leaving a thought unfinished and beginning another one. That has gotten better, but I still do it, so I try not to talk/type much. There was also sudden unexplainable weight gain, and the inability to lose weight. I ended up going from OMAD (one meal a day, which I prefer as I'm useless after I eat, I'm so weak. It also utilizes autophagy for any possible benefits), to eating once every other day, and still not able to go back to the same jeans I wore prior. The entire reason for having the filling removed was to do a toxic metal chelation protocol. You can't even begin that protocol until 6 months after your last filling was removed, at a minimum. I did go back to that dentist to pay for an x-ray out of pocket. I realized they'd not taken one, and did the drilling by eye. There are volunteer dentists on a FB page for the protocol looking at x-rays, to make absolutely sure that you don't have 'the dreaded spec'. If you do, chelation will only make you worlds worse, as the supplements pull from the biggest source of mercury first, right next to your brain. After the x-ray I told the dentist what symptoms I was having. He confirmed acute mercury poisoning, and told me that in his 30+ years of practice, that had only happened to 2 people. Some of those symptoms still affect me to this day, in late 2025.

I'd been paying $500 for rent out of my $890/mo. After the cheapest internet, phone, and the very basic bills, I had $200-$240 to buy anything else I should need, depending on how much the power bill was. But then 2020 happened. I couldn't find food for carnivore, I was panicking a lot because of what the news was saying, and several autoimmune diseases. I didn't have a car, but a friend would lovingly let me borrow hers to grab groceries/toiletries while she worked in the garage I my apartment was attached to. But she was dealing with serious health issues of her own, and I noticed a pattern of her needing to leave as soon as I returned. I felt incredibly guilty for this, so I went to one place and bought what I needed to survive as fast as I could. She's now recovered, and that's a true miracle that I'm so grateful for.

Also in 2020, my painting sales all but came to a halt. I did call Social Security and applied for a business license, as I'm able to make even more than what I get in SSDI, over and above it without it affecting my SSDI. I never made close to that, but I was legal. I filed taxes each month. I kept producing, and lowered my painting prices to the lowest I could stomach, and they still didn't sell.

I'd been given some supplies from someone who didn't have much space and would buy a lot of things, and give them away once they were done with that particular thing. Among them were some pliers and wire. I followed a jewelry making to tutorial and posted it. To my surprise, someone wanted to buy it?! So, I kept posting paintings and added wire wrapped jewelry, along with that incredibly hard healing protocol. I quickly realized there's a much larger audience for jewelry. That makes sense, as buying original art is a niche thing. After only the jewelry selling, I switched entirely over to that, not wanting to give up my favorite thing, but needing to.

I could no longer afford food and toiletries with my SSDI + any income from sales starting in 2020. And that has only gotten worse. Wayyy worse. My stress about trying to get the most basic needs met has been a nightmare. A real living nightmare that continues to get even worse. It's showing on my physical appearance now. I'm in a constant state of overwhelm, and this was noted last year by a professional. Even though I though I was acting as cool as a cucumber when interacting with him and the two others he mentioned who made that same note.

I did not think physical pain/fatigue/insomnia/panic attacks etc could actually get any worse. I thought there was a limit. But, not weighing much at all at the time, I got stuck on the floor. Multiple times. Reaching for anything I could to try to pull myself up. This happened to me even though I frequently squatted or sat on the floor when visiting friends, and had no problem standing up. This got worse, it got to where things would start to get dark and I wouldn't be able to hear while trying to make it to another room. This scares me to this day. I shared with my close friend that it was scaring me how weak I was becoming. I was terrified. I am terrified. I still kept pushing, I never stopped pushing, as I do believe now that all of my self-worth is tied into how much/how quality I produce, entirely. Though I do not want to end myself, or hurt myself anymore and I've come a long way, I don't have a high opinion of myself or my capabilities. It's bad to be frank, but I won't share what I think about myself. There are a plethora of other symptoms to this burnout, but I'll spare you them!

Not having the strength to stand long enough for a whole shower, I had to start sitting on the side of the tub to shower/shave. Amidst this Bubbles, out of nowhere, my sweet baby girl, began having seizures. They were grand mal. I'd never heard a cat scream, let alone my 2 year old baby girl. It's hard to even type this, I haven't worked through this trauma yet. If I left her to use the restroom, she'd try to walk and fall on her own head. I didn't have any money! I reached out to 3 people for help. This was also when the mail was late, for everyone, due to congestion. Within 24 hours she was so unrecognizable that even Pickle, her brother, didn't recognize her. My mother came to our rescue, pickling up clues only a mom would know. I'm still indebted to her for this, and many other things. My gratitude to my family and friends is massive. But we could not save her, she was still seizing and began mouth-breathing even through a valium they gave her. I took the best care of them I could, I even made their food from scratch. After this, I haven't adopted again, though I've wanted to. I don't think there's been anytime in my life that I've had several hundred/thousand dollars in savings for a time like that. She was otherwise such a healthy girl.

But I fought the depression and sadness and kept producing, stopping to cry sometimes. In Oct '23 I was notified that my rent would be going up to $900/mo. I panicked, as I'd never ever steadily made hundreds extra each month. I opened an Etsy, and applied for the 4 income based/section 8 housing I could. I had been checking for the voucher program to reopen for 2 years before that already. I also had no credit, do debt, but no credit. I thought it was really dumb for someone with my income to have a credit card. Unfortunately you need some sort of credit history, I was told, when you apply to live somewhere. I panicked and found Brigit, which promised to raise my score by lending me $20, and me paying it back with fees the following paycheck. Then I got the news in late November (I believe) that I had to move. I had to find somewhere to live. I called every place I'd applied to to check on the status of my applications, but they had warned me that the waiting list was at LEAST a 2 year wait. I also, under no circumstances, was going to abandon Pickle, my remaining cat baby, who stuck with me throughout everything and cheered me up every day.

By this time, almost every month, I was bed ridden. These I call 'flares' because at first, I thought they were fibromyalgia flares. They're not. However they're the worst things I've ever in my life had to experience physically and mentally. By far. They're indescribable. I'd never wish anything even close to that on anyone, ever. I can barely speak, type, move, handle any noise, sleep... the list is too long. But I dread them with every fiber of my being, and I know they give me trauma. The moment I'm able to sit up, because of the spasms making my back arch to the point where I can't sit up, I begin making things again. I stay offline, I have to. But I feel so bad for people who don't understand, or don't know why I can watch what they've sent me, during those times. I just hang on as hard as I can, until it passes. The longest one has been 17 days or so, long. And even if it's 3 days, it feels like 10, and is unbearable and completely out of my capability to describe. These have gotten worse in severity, to my absolute horror. I had to move, and fast. I couldn't rent a moving truck, movers, etc. I had no boxes, just a car. Every single place I found, the rent to be a roommate was even more than my monthly income! And I couldn't have Pickle. I was almost out of time and certainly out of options.

I found out what I'd been dealing with during this time. Every single symptom I had was explained, and why it was getting worse. I was, and still am, pissed. It's a burnout, not a neurotypical one. Not anything like occupational burnout, a severe burnout with dire consequences, including death, if left untreated. I'm pissed because there's ONLY one way to treat it, it takes an undetermined amount of time and you can not rush it, and I was already stuck between a rock and a hard place financially. I knew moving was going to make that worse, and it sure did. Pickle is not the same, he's absolutely traumatized. The only place I found, the only option, was all the way in Mattaponi. In the middle of thousands of acres, with no neighbors, in the freezing winter. I wasn't strong enough to lift furniture anymore. I didn't have a flatbed. But I HAD to get everything out, it's not like I could leave things in the apt for my landlord to deal with!

One trip home and back would take a full tank of gas. I'd have to stop after running completely out of funds, to wait for me next paycheck. This is while paying rent by the day to the place I was moving from.

Long story short, I thought I'd asked all the right questions. I thought it was a safe place to stay for us, until one of the apartments had a vacancy. It was so far from that. In the end I had to call the police in order to grab Pickle and leave safety. For some reason my windshield was broken and I had a flat tire, as well. And I don't know if something was done to Pickle while I was gone, but he will only hide now from people. He's the opposite of how he was before moving him, and it breaks my heart. There are details I won't share about what went on, but that has left unresolved trauma. For 6 weeks or so we didn't have a home, and I was worried about my belongings.

I'd been on the waiting list for certain apts for 7 years. I called them only to be told they found my app in the archives and tried to reach me. I asked when that was, as I had the same email, same phone number and everything, as when I applied. I made phone calls every day trying to find somewhere to live. It was so stressful and worrying. A property manager came to my rescue, and with a background check and 1st months deposit, a pet deposit, and the hook up for electric ($260??), and other fees, Pickle and I finally had a home!!

However, I haven't been able to start the healing process. Which is something I feel too guilty to do, and don't... really know how to do. But recent events have caused chest pain here and there, and one of the side effects of this type of burnout is heart disease. I'm scared, and feel trapped.

In Oct of 2023 I was delighted to receive over 30 commissions, mostly due by Christmas. I finished them, even though doing every single thing is so hard right now, and the 'flares' are more debilitating than ever. This isn't something that can resolve itself if you take a disabled person, and have them work every other day, or anything like that. It's pure rest and self care. I've searched and searched for a therapist to help me with the guilt I'll feel when trying to get my life back. As right now I don't see anyone, go anywhere, or do anything 'fun'. I go to the grocery store and the gas station and come home. That takes about all of my mental strength away. At this point, my sensory sensitives have made it so that I can't listen to/enjoy my great love- music, for 4 years now. Devastating. I'd love that ability back. I can't be in a crowded place, if someone is mowing/weed eating outside, I have a melt down. I get woken up from the slightest noise, unable to go back to sleep. In '19 or '20 I had to stop wearing a wrist watch or any jewelry, because it 'hurt', and I thought that was my fibro getting worse. Physical touch feels like sand paper on my skin. The cold and hot of anything is too much to take in, tear well up and I try to hold them back. The pain, even when not bed bound, is unbearable. It takes everything in me to both work on producing, and take care of household chores. My coping mechanisms are gone, due to sensory hell and extreme fatigue. And all of my executive functions are in the toilet, I kid you not. Executive functions are a set of cognitive processes that help individuals manage their thoughts, actions, and emotions to achieve goals. Key functions include working memory, cognitive flexibility, and inhibitory control. These skills are crucial for planning, problem-solving, and adapting to new situations. So, even switching to a different paintbrush while painting, is so hard you wouldn't believe it. This is incredibly embarrassing and a humbling situation to be in. And unfortunately commissions and sales came to an abrupt halt after Oct of last year. I kept making and posting my very best. I've had a commission here and there, but ... maybe this is a way to tell me that I can avoid healing anymore. A blessing in disguise??

My cognitive functions are so bad, I've lost things I've never lost before. My debit card, a ...vacuum cleaner head?, paperwork I'd just been handed. I've started walking to my car several times to go somewhere, only to realize I don't have shoes on. And I'm definitely forgetting things that I've said/said to me during conversations. My goodness, I need rest. Truly I need to heal! This can't continue to get worse, I can't continue to lose abilities. I've already lost the ability to smell 100%, after losing other enteroception back in '22. I'm scared about how bad I'll get, but I can't keep up with bills. I can't. No matter how thin I stretch myself or how hard I push myself, I haven't been able to even make a dent.

On top of this, my cost of living (COL) raise was $30 for '24. That Jan my food stamps (SNAP) was lowered by $20. Then another $10 by October. I called and was told that I didn't do anything wrong, it was the laws changing. COL raises are not so that we can afford more, it's so that we can afford the same things. And they haven't been keeping up. At all. Though please, don't get me wrong, I'm so very grateful for SSDI and Social Services! This year, my COL raise, whatever it was, $12 was deducted from SNAP Jan 1st, and another $91 in March. Also in March, they made a mistake and didn't renew my QMB, and out of my 1k/mo almost $400 was taken out, for 2 Medicare premiums. This made me miss bills, and get sick on the food I was grateful to have, but doesn't like my physiology. I've made all the phone calls I can, and called everyone they want me to call, to no avail. I've no control over the decisions or mistakes made by our govt or Social Services. My food assistance has not been this low since around 2005, when I didn't have an apt, a pet, or a car. I'm not sure I even had a cell phone. So, even though I'd have to go a couple or few days w/out food, or some toiletry each month before this change, now it is weeks w/out food. I learned that I can go a long time fasting, but not weeks. I'd also gotten Aetna insurance for the last couple months of '24, and there was a $240 allowance (you can't save up, it doesn't roll over) each month for certain things, food/toiletries/select bills. That went down to $125 in January. I'm also not using as much electricity as the former tenant, so out of pocket towards rent went up $30 in May, as well as a yearly adjustment of $9.

This month I noticed out of nowhere, my dryer won't turn on. It's not the breaker, or the door switch. I did pass inspection with my car, but two tires need to be replaced. I can't handle this. I'm asking, humbly, for your help, if you're able!

I'm trying so hard, that accepting some of the commissions I've had, have taken so long (due to flares and fatigue) that all it's done is make me look bad, imo. I'm physically and mentally not doing well (not depressed, but this can lead to it), I'm so overwhelmed at all times. I can't, no matter HOW hard I try, make enough for basic necessities. The food banks only have foods that will immediately make me worse, and over time bring back my diabetes and fatty liver disease. All the things I've worked so hard to undo. I started falling behind last year, majorly. And it's only gotten worse as I've gotten worse.

Please, please, if you're able to help me, I humbly ask you to. I desperately need the time to heal so that I can be the me some of you knew years ago. The me that was able to socialize a bit, pet sit, go listen to my favorite drummer play if I could, drive further than just a few miles, do more than one thing a day, BE there for the people who've been there for me... and so much more. After searching for almost a year, I do have a therapist now who knows all about how to heal me. But I can't do it while in the hole. My guilt won't let me. I'm losing friends, or they have to distance themselves due to my needs, or inconsistency, or unreliability, forgetfulness, due to this horrible burnout. I'm in my 7th year of it now. I'm so, so sorry to reach out like this and ask for financial help. I don't know what to do, I'm at my wits end. I've been trying and doing everything else I know to do, while trying not to bother anyone. None of my problems are your problems, and I'm so aware of that, that I didn't make a GFM sooner. I feel terrible asking for this help.

If I'm able to make any income from this, I'll be beyond grateful!!!! But I also want you to know what it won't go towards: Take out, hair cuts/salons, clothing, shoes, eating out (not even a soda), soda, alcohol (not a drop), make-up, decor, ... nothing like that! It is for anything that's a basic bill (rent, electricity, phone, internet), anything essential. So it would be going to food, shampoo, tp, cleaners (vinegar), detergent, tires (oh that would be so awesome!), a part for my dryer to fix it (!! :o ), soap, etc. And if, during the healing process, I'm able to create anything, and need say... a tube of paint, or wire, that would be something I would use this money for. But gosh, I just need to heal from this absolute nightmare. It's not just destroying me, it's ruining my friendships that I hold so very dear. My relationships, all of them, I'd like to save them!

TLDR and other methods to donate:

The kind of burnout I've been dealing with, beginning in 2018, I haven't addressed. But I have to now. I've become increasingly debilitated, forcing myself, though 100% medically disabled, to make myself make and try to sell what I can, in order to make the most basic ends meet. Still I've fallen behind. On everything. My dryer is also broken, and I need 2 tires, on top of food/toiletries. Sadly there are severe and often deadly consequences to not going through the healing process. I've begun experiencing some scary ones. I have a therapist now who is guiding me. But I have to be able to afford food/toiletries, and catch up on bills/pay bills, while doing this healing. There is only one way to recover and get my life back! But it's rest, a complete focus on rest and self care, which I've not done. The more severe the burnout, the longer it takes to recover. And it's an indefinite amount of time, that I can't rush or put a time-limit on, to my dismay.

If you don't like gofundme, I have other handles on other apps, because my sales have been online. There's always

Of course I've purposely spelled the application names wrong and added brackets and spaces to my handles, but all you have to do is not add those! I just want to thank you so much in advance, for anything! Your care, sharing the link, or donating! For real. By helping me, you're allowing me to recover and get back to myself, bring my cognitive functions back, and save my health!! Thank you so very much!