Sammy Jean: Surviving and Asking for Help
In recent years I have been struggling to cope with resurfacing past traumas, physical/mental limitations and a significant end to an invested personal relationship. It has been difficult to share my struggles to find affordable therapy. To find access medical assistance has also restrained me from finding gainful employment. In the past ten years I have desperately needed a route canal, hysterectomy and corrective knee surgery. Also, residing under crippling student loan and financial debt. I know that I have always put out on an err of having it all together, to most people. In attempt to be vulnerable, this is what I am willing to share at the moment. Please feel free to reach out to me, if you would like to chat… as I am not very proactive at seeking people out.
In 2021, moving form Los Angeles, CA to Minneapolis, MN; has taken quite a toll on me financially, mentally and physically. Originally, relocating for a better work opportunities and life was the goal. The potential for that was very quickly dashed, as the opportunity was not what I expected. I was not able to have the extra time outside of work to achieve my personal goals as an artist. Time to incur extra funds to replace the $10,000 I had spent of mine and my parent’s contributions to coming back to the Midwest, in hopes of getting on the right career track. Not to mention the countless hours that dedicated friends made, to make everything possible.
As I started this new job, my physical health started to deteriorate, noticeably. Losing an additional 15-20lbs, from my already healthy weight (being able to see my ribcage exposed). As a result of not being able to afford or have access to proper nutrition, my oral infection flared up multiple times. As dominos do fall… my endometriosis and ovarian/uterine cysts started producing more issues, I persisted in finding other causes… resulting in me finally being diagnosed with Sickle Cell Anemia. The final blow being caused by a recurring knee injury— in which my left knee constantly disjoints, that can be corrected with surgery. All this causing me to miss work, frequently. Especially since my new job was very physically demanding.
My guilt was overwhelming… devastated I felt stunted. My mental health was also declining. Honestly, I have never fully recovered from lingering trauma of years of molestation, physical, emotional abuse, suicidal ideation and constant financial instability— from childhood to adulthood. My parents, obviously, love me very much. But, were not prepared and are not equipped with the tools to deal with these perils. I also, certainly did not expect my long term partner to “fix” me either, as we spent our most formidable years together. I still cannot cope with the atrocities endured. Even with therapy, I am trying my best.
Attempting to sustain myself from the fresh trauma of 2020; ending an unhealthy co-dependent relationship, then COVID, being ultimately quarantined with them, as we were separating. Upon living on my own, for the first time ever at age 37, a series of unfortunate events led to an attempted suicide. It being the height of COVID hospitalizations and not having access to medical care—I had never fully recovered from these events. Thank you to the friends that were there for me in my time of need, the darkest hour, despite what was happening in all of our lives.
Combining both medical, mental and spiritual decline… resulted in me being declared unfit to work by a therapist. I desperately needed medication and cognitive/behavioral therapy, so I took a chance in hopes of saving the last piece of myself. I was eventually diagnosed with severe depression, also to my surprise Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). There is no specific “cure” or medication for BDP, the only thing that can be done is a lifetime of talk therapy and a cocktail of medications. So, thank you to those that have talked me down from many ledges over this expanse of existence.
Today, as difficult as it is for me to be open and vulnerable about my situation… I’m asking for help… any sort of monetary donations to help get my life back on track… to contribute to medical expenses (therapy, surgery, medications), rent, utilities, car note, food and other necessities. Starting out asking for enough just to cover this month’s expenses while I diligently look for a new career, fill out grant applications and focus on my mental/physical health. There is so much love and support to give to this world. As love is in need of love today. I appreciate you taking the time out to support who I am… who I am hoping to become.
Please, give what you can. Thank you.
Peace, Blessings and Solidarity.
Thank you again.
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Samantha Jean Wilson