So this has been a long time coming! The first time I went to Tavistock and Portman I was 15 or 16 I think, and the doctor there asked if I wanted to get top surgery. I said yes, and she asked if I was sure. For me, as an autistic person, it can be really hard to know what I actually want. I can tolerate a lot, a lot of the time, and function reasonably well while I tolerate things.

I could tolerate having a large chest at the time, so I thought about it, and I told her I wasn't sure. Coming up on 10 years after that discussion, and having been on testosterone since January 29th, I'm starting to think that maybe 'tolerating' my chest isn't healthy. It should be something I like, or feel neutral about at best, not something that makes me cringe and feel out of place.

I thought that it would be okay, really, because surely getting top surgery was a lot of work, and it would be selfish to expect people to looks after me when its done, and besides: it sounds really scary. But it turns out that it's not okay.

I don't feel comfortable having a large chest. I can't bind because I'm autistic and it restricts my movement, and it makes me too hot. I can't hide my chest under layers because it is (at a minimum) a 42G.

I'm scared about this. I'm scared of surgery (I've never been in a hospital for anything like this before); I'm scared of the recovery process; I'm scared about how much money this is going to cost. I'm scared about being shamed for being plus size and told to lose weight. I'm so, so scared.

But, I'm still starting this fundraiser. Hopefully that tells you all you need to know. I'm terrified, but that is eclipsed by how much I want to feel at home in my body.

I'm hoping to get top surgery with Mr. Inglefield with the London Transgender Clinic and I'll be contacting them later today to arrange an initial consultation. I don't have an initial price for the procedure and hospital stay etc. yet, so I'm erring on the side of caution with this estimate (which will also cover GoFundMe's fees). If it changes then I will adjust the final goal for this fundraiser.

Any support is hugely appreciated. Please don't feel any pressure to donate, even just sharing the link to the fundraiser is so appreciated.

Lots of love,

Sal