Divorcing the Abusive Ex
Donation protected
In 2009 I escaped to the US from the UK, where I had been married to an abusive man. Finally, it's time for me to get a divorce.
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We have barely spoken for 6 years. The final straw was when he tried to kill me three times on one night. (He tried to snap my neck twice, then pounded my head against a brick wall.) I did call the police, a report was written, and I got a copy but of course he got hold of it and probably destroyed it. I didn't press charges that night because we were due to get on a plane to America in a few hours, and it was Christmas Eve 2008 and the first Christmas I'd be home since we got married (2003). My dad was in the hospital, and it turned out to be his last Christmas. I figured if I pressed charges, I'd miss the flight, and possibly my dad, forever. If I left my ex there alone, he'd trash the apartment, run away, kill himself, or something else stupid. (He was also very drunk and blaming me for the attack.) I made him get on the plane because I couldn't think what else to do.
It's taken me 6 years to come to terms with not only the physical but the emotional abuse. He kept me isolated, I was his full time assistant, and there really wasn't a way to survive the abuse, keep to his work commitments, and still have my own job. In hindsight, with all I know now, I shouldn’t have felt his responsibilities were my responsibilities and kept my crappy minimum wage job to keep my small freedom, but he'd methodically taken over my friends and commitments to them, and I was afraid of him and didn't want to let my friends down. In the end he ruined a lot of those friendships, anyway.
In a nasty phone call at the end, when I told him my dad had just died, he said I would not be hearing from him again but I'd be hearing from his lawyer. I had one letter about divorce from a lawyer when I was briefly in the UK again to pack, and while I said I would look for a lawyer, I’ve heard nothing since.
I let him handle the divorce to see what happened. Since then, as far as I can tell, he hasn't done anything about it. We spoke briefly before I left for America permanently and he agreed to mail my medical records and my files off his computer network, but he never has.
I looked into the divorce myself back in 2009-10, and UK lawyers wouldn't take the case because I wasn't going to be staying in the UK, and the wedding had been in the US. No US lawyer would take it because we hadn't lived in the US, and I was told after I'd been back for 2 years, they could. Now I can see that there had to be other options and I just hadn't asked lawyers who had a clue. At the time, with Dad's death, Mom in a wheelchair, an international move, and the break-up, I just took their word for it.
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Since I've moved back to the US, I've been the live-in full-time caregiver of my wheelchair-bound mother. I had a job for 18 months, and now I'm trying to work freelance. Since I've started trying to get the divorce in motion, my health has taken a pummelling and even with the delay of regular hospital visits, and trying to catch up on work commitments, I’m still determined to see it through.
He has no criminal charges on his record. Afterwards I found out he really had tried to kill his little brother when they were young, and he'd tried to kill his ex-fiancee before me. He's out there with no marks on his record, nothing to warn people that he's what he is. I wish to God I'd pressed charges, but divorce is all I can do.
I have now found a lawyer in the UK who will take the case, but wants a deposit of £1000, and that's just for expenses - all fees, court costs, and even photocopying would be separate. That's already $1500, just as a down payment.
All money I raise here will go towards divorce funding. I hope I don't need to fly to the UK in the course of this, but that's the kind of thing I have to worry about. If I do have money left over, I will be using it to fund a divorce party. I had a shitty, tiny wedding, and I had a crappy marriage, and I'd like to start over by thanking anyone who's hung in with me so far.
_______________________________________
We have barely spoken for 6 years. The final straw was when he tried to kill me three times on one night. (He tried to snap my neck twice, then pounded my head against a brick wall.) I did call the police, a report was written, and I got a copy but of course he got hold of it and probably destroyed it. I didn't press charges that night because we were due to get on a plane to America in a few hours, and it was Christmas Eve 2008 and the first Christmas I'd be home since we got married (2003). My dad was in the hospital, and it turned out to be his last Christmas. I figured if I pressed charges, I'd miss the flight, and possibly my dad, forever. If I left my ex there alone, he'd trash the apartment, run away, kill himself, or something else stupid. (He was also very drunk and blaming me for the attack.) I made him get on the plane because I couldn't think what else to do.
It's taken me 6 years to come to terms with not only the physical but the emotional abuse. He kept me isolated, I was his full time assistant, and there really wasn't a way to survive the abuse, keep to his work commitments, and still have my own job. In hindsight, with all I know now, I shouldn’t have felt his responsibilities were my responsibilities and kept my crappy minimum wage job to keep my small freedom, but he'd methodically taken over my friends and commitments to them, and I was afraid of him and didn't want to let my friends down. In the end he ruined a lot of those friendships, anyway.
In a nasty phone call at the end, when I told him my dad had just died, he said I would not be hearing from him again but I'd be hearing from his lawyer. I had one letter about divorce from a lawyer when I was briefly in the UK again to pack, and while I said I would look for a lawyer, I’ve heard nothing since.
I let him handle the divorce to see what happened. Since then, as far as I can tell, he hasn't done anything about it. We spoke briefly before I left for America permanently and he agreed to mail my medical records and my files off his computer network, but he never has.
I looked into the divorce myself back in 2009-10, and UK lawyers wouldn't take the case because I wasn't going to be staying in the UK, and the wedding had been in the US. No US lawyer would take it because we hadn't lived in the US, and I was told after I'd been back for 2 years, they could. Now I can see that there had to be other options and I just hadn't asked lawyers who had a clue. At the time, with Dad's death, Mom in a wheelchair, an international move, and the break-up, I just took their word for it.
_______________________________________________________
Since I've moved back to the US, I've been the live-in full-time caregiver of my wheelchair-bound mother. I had a job for 18 months, and now I'm trying to work freelance. Since I've started trying to get the divorce in motion, my health has taken a pummelling and even with the delay of regular hospital visits, and trying to catch up on work commitments, I’m still determined to see it through.
He has no criminal charges on his record. Afterwards I found out he really had tried to kill his little brother when they were young, and he'd tried to kill his ex-fiancee before me. He's out there with no marks on his record, nothing to warn people that he's what he is. I wish to God I'd pressed charges, but divorce is all I can do.
I have now found a lawyer in the UK who will take the case, but wants a deposit of £1000, and that's just for expenses - all fees, court costs, and even photocopying would be separate. That's already $1500, just as a down payment.
All money I raise here will go towards divorce funding. I hope I don't need to fly to the UK in the course of this, but that's the kind of thing I have to worry about. If I do have money left over, I will be using it to fund a divorce party. I had a shitty, tiny wedding, and I had a crappy marriage, and I'd like to start over by thanking anyone who's hung in with me so far.
Organizer
Joann Dominik Richardson
Organizer
Saint Cloud, MN