
Running Toward Pain
Everything is fine.
That's what I keep telling myself. And, despite the world being on the eve of implosion, everything IS fine. I have a job, my family, health, my writing. I'm able to serve my community at every chance I get. We've been able to facilitate community self-defense courses, coordinate a prison re-entry program, serve unhoused people in the park every Sunday, organize against racist groups, help rebuild an infrastructure for an indigenous university.
But there's a lot missing. Mental health-wise, I've woken up in full-on panic attacks and I slump into depression every time I think about anything for too long. After injuring my hip, I had to quit running for a while and that took a piece of my life away. It was a vital piece of my life, seeing as running was one of the major parts of my sobriety. While my wife and kids and work help, they usually work in tandem with brutal physical exercise to keep me healthy and sane. I'm no psychiatrist, but without lots of running my brain gets all fucked up.
My coach, Robert Ressl-Moyer, is also someone who relies on exercise to stay just physically healthy, and also mentally well.
Together, we are very weird and depressed.
But now I am physically healthy, I decided to once again push myself to the limit.Coach Robert and I are going to attempt to run a 240 mile race through Utah's most beautiful and unforgiving terrain at the Moab 240 Endurance Run .
I have run 100 miles, which almost killed me, and who knows, maybe this one will finish me off for good, but it's something I need to do. I need the training. I need the physical exertion. I need the mental strength. I need the thrill of pushing everything to the edge. This kind of test helps me, but will also allow me to serve my community as a focused, clear-headed person whose mind and body are sharp and tuned in to the universe.
This donation will go toward the huge entry fee, plus some of the lodging for both Robert and me. We are not rich. We don't have enough money to do this shit.
If you are short on funds, donate to another organization, but if you feel anything in your little heart for this journey of fitness, mental health, and community service, please feel free to empty your bank account here.