Hi from what is somehow not even the darkest period of my life! I am a writer, senior in college, and hopefully a future sexual and domestic violence activist. I’m also a survivor of chronic sexual violence and I need your financial support to be able to safely recover from recent and past abuse.

Earlier this year, in late March, I was sexually assaulted by my closest friend. I tried to shake it off and keep pace with my demanding undergraduate program. 6 weeks later an urgent care visit redirected me to the emergency room because of complications from injuries sustained during the assault. I was deeply unsettled but I disassociated enough to keep functioning. I managed to finish out my spring term with a 4.0 GPA. The first Monday of my summer break I immediately transitioned into an unpaid internship while also babysitting to make ends meet. On the side I moonlighted in an outpatient trauma therapy program to try to work through the emotional impacts of this assault.

Enough EMDR made me realize how disassociated I was from the pain of this event, and that I was struggling so much because it reopened a lifetime of sexual violence that I tried to block out. My fall term started this September. Since then I have been in a constant state of crisis, unable to both keep up with my workload and manage my PTSD .

I’m seeking funding to be able to take my next term off school and fully commit my time and energy to trauma recovery. The money would go towards past and future mental health treatment expenses, medical bills from the urgent care and emergency room visits that followed the assault, and living expenses (rent, utilities, medications and groceries) as I commit fulltime to recovery until I reach a point where I am no longer profoundly disabled by my PTSD symptoms and can return to school.

When I was a minor, an immediate family member nonconsensually produced and locally distributed explicit media of me. This continued for years without any intervention, support or protection from the adults in my life. I learned to disassociate, keep quiet and put up with it, which only made me vulnerable to further violence. Throughout my adolescence and young adulthood, I went on to be sexually abused on multiple occasions by many different people.

I don’t want to be defined by the ways other people have hurt me. Over the years, I managed to pull myself and my life together enough to go from an agoraphobic high school drop out to a straight-A college student. I find so much fulfillment in being a competent and ambitious person. I care about my education, future career and my writing. This recent assault has left me so disabled by my PTSD that I can’t function in everyday life.

Leaving the house and being in public is extremely difficult. My flashbacks are regularly triggered by things as small as a stranger innocently standing too close to me. Sudden unexpected movements are enough to send me into fight or flight. On a daily basis I struggle with intrusive memories, disassociation, insomnia, memory loss, inability to concentrate, chronic pain from constant stress induced physical tension, etc. Trying to keep myself afloat academically and financially has left me without the time, energy or resources to properly care for myself and my state has only continued to progressively worsen.

As a student, I'm reliant on my financial aid, but I'm realizing that I simply don't have the capacity to maintain fulltime enrollment until graduation. Similarly, this summer has taught me that I won't be able to adequately regulate or heal if I am juggling recovery with fulltime responsibilities. If I can’t continue to support myself, my only option will be to move back into the house where my childhood abuse occurred. I’m trying to do everything in my power to prevent that from happening because I honestly don’t know if I can survive that.

It's mortifying to ask for help like this and I honestly wouldn't be doing this if I felt I had other options. The last thing I want is for my name or face to be associated with sexual abuse. I've spent most of my life trying to distance myself from what happened to me when I was younger. But I've recently came to terms with the fact that staying silent and keeping abuse hidden only furthers the cycle of violence. I refuse to let my life become subsumed by other people's wrongdoings which is why I'm speaking up and asking for help.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. If you’re unable to donate, sharing this fundraiser to boost it in the algorithm would be a massive help. I’ve learned through this process that there is a serious lack of resources for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse-- this needs to change. I know this is an uncomfortable topic, but silence only adds to the stigma. My circumstances are far from unique. Unaddressed violence goes on to result in more violence. More than anything, what I want in my life is to break the cycles of violence I was born into so I can help others break theirs. I really implore you to further educate yourself about sexual violence and to support the causes that support survivors.

(This was written without the use of AI)