Please help me achieve my goal.

Hey Everyone.

I'm not sure where to start really, so I guess I will start from the beginning and hope that I'm not babbling on.

For those who don’t know me, my name is Angel; I have a wife and 5 children who I love and adore. My wife and I work several jobs to make ends meet and I know we're not alone in finding things difficult right now.

So, I'm Non-Binary.

For those who don’t know what that is... Some people don’t identify with any gender. Some peoples' gender changes over time. People whose gender is not male or female use many different terms to describe themselves. I’m happy with my pronouns remaining as she/her.

I haven't really been out (in terms of gender identity) long to my family and friends, so telling the world is a massive step for me to take.

I’ve known for a very long time, since I was a child, but I suppose the fear of saying the words out loud got the best of me. As I grew up, I felt lonely and keeping it in affected me more than I thought. I realised this feeling won't go away until I say the words, until I say “I'm NOT me! I'm not who I want to be!” I need to get out of the body I'm in as it makes me feel uncomfortable, lonely, self-conscious and disgusted with myself. Hard to believe I've let all that feeling and emotions set me back from who I want to be for 24 years. I have been so scared to put my feelings in to words because come on, let's face it, everybody is so quick to judge if you don’t fit into the “norm”. You’d think because I managed to come out that I was gay when I was 15, that I'd be able to say I'm non-binary, but to me the feeling was completely different. I say I came out; I didn’t really, just told my Mum and Dad although they already kind of knew. However, telling them that their daughter is kind of in the wrong body as such, is a bigger step than saying “I'm gay”. Well, that’s how I felt anyway.

I’ve always hinted or made little jokes to my wife, family and even my friends just to say that I wish I had smaller boobs as they drive me crazy. Then, one day my wife said to me, “are you trying to tell me something, as you seem to be joking about it a lot more lately?” and that was when I said “yes” but finding the words was so difficult. I just said “I don’t want them at all”. I made a joke and laughed, hoping that it might have made me feel better, but it didn’t. As soon as I said I want them removed as I'm non-binary we had a massive conversation about it all and I’ve never felt more alive than that moment.

That is the moment I was true to myself!

After a long discussion we decided to tell our children, which was very emotional, because telling them was a lot harder than telling my parents or wife, because children find it difficult to understand some things, so you have to kind of explain what it means.

Would it affect them?

Would they hate me?

Turns out the answer to the questions was no. It didn’t affect them and no they didn’t hate me. They listened to me, asked questions and they have supported me through all of this. My eldest son actually helped me write this, and that means more to me than he will ever realise. They all supported and encouraged me! To think I was so worried about telling them, when it's been the best thing for us all. I’m hoping with me opening up about this that it might make them and others realise that it's not actually a bad thing to be different. You CAN be you! You CAN be proud of who you are and who you’ve become! Being who you are doesn’t make you weak because you see things differently, it makes you strong! It makes you the person you're supposed to be! I really do hope that I inspire those suffering in silence to speak up and be true to themselves too!

Before I told anyone about my feelings, I had been searching for binders and ways to make my breasts smaller so it's easier to bind them, but never had the courage to do anything about it, which made me feel even worse. But from the moment I spoke up, I actually sat with my wife and did some research on what options would be available to me (which wasn’t a lot to be honest). I ordered a binder from America and at the beginning, oh it made me feel great! It wasn’t too tight, but it wasn’t too loose, but my breasts weren’t staying in the position I wanted. I didn’t really know what else to do as I ordered a size down and it was too tight, it didn’t fit. So, I bought some sports tape, which I do not recommend for binding, due to it being too sticky and pulls the skin off on removal. I bought some proper tape, which is great, so I put that on as well as my binder to keep them in place. It feels amazing, not as flat as I’d like but it does the job. It makes me feel so much better in myself!

I've spoken to my doctor and she’s been helping me through this too. She’s been great! Giving me links to the local well-being team and websites that might help me understand how I’m feeling a little bit more and making sure that I’m being heard! The well-being team have also been great and helpful, but it doesn’t stop you from feeling like you aren't getting anywhere and I’ll be trapped in this body forever. Me and talking hasn’t been great due to bottling it up for so long.

Anyway, I started feeling like I was getting somewhere as I got referred to a gender identity clinic in London. They emailed me to fill in some forms to go on the waiting list! I was so happy! Finally, I was going to be able to be me! My heart then sank as they said it can be 4/5 years due to a huge waiting list, and that’s only for a first appointment! I'm not sure how much longer I can take feeling the way that I am. I don’t know if that makes me selfish, like what's another 4/5+ years right, but I can't keep feeling like this and it's not guaranteed either and knowing that it could take that long makes me feel hopeless, frustrated and more.

I've made enquiries to a medical team in Turkey as they do a package deal, hospital for 1-night, medical vest, operation, blood test. Airport shuttle transfers and a check-up before I go, plus medication which gives me hope. I am currently researching other options in America and other parts of Europe. Going private is really the only option for me as the NHS cannot deliver in a reasonable timeframe, if at all. If I can raise the money to pay for surgery, it would be the biggest and happiest day of my life, knowing I'm free from this body, free from the one thing that’s been making my life so miserable for so long!

I haven't really said what the operation is, but it's for me to have top surgery to remove breast tissue and to be flat chested. I'm so uncomfortable, I’m tired of being self-conscious and letting my body hold me back. I don’t want to be unhappy anymore. Life is way too short for all that. Time to do something about it!!

I guess I'm telling you my story because I’d like your help in raising the money for me to be who I really am. From what I've learned so far, I will need around £7k for everything. Having this operation would mean the world to me. It would release me from the body that I'm not meant to be in, to the body I'm supposed to be in.

I want to feel truly happy.

I want to feel comfortable in my own body.

I want to be able to walk down the street and not feel self-conscious.

I want to have the freedom to be myself.

So please help me achieve my goal and feel free to ask me questions if it will help your understanding!