River's crowdfunder for Transgender Health Care

I am Trans, I am queer, and it has been the greatest gift to me in life. I'm finally able to celebrate being a Trans person, but it's taken what feels like a long time, and the shedding of alot of guilt, shame and fear to get here. I’m asking for support to be as Trans as I can be in this world, to do it with pride, and dignity, and strength and confidence. 

The world wasn’t designed for me, and so it has taught me to question and critique, to imagine new worlds, to empathise with oppression, to find the courage to fight. It’s exposed me to community, and more importantly solidarity. It’s brought to me the best people I know, and in them it’s shown me everything that I deem beautiful in this world. In those people I have seen empathy, acceptance, support, generosity, kindness. Those attributes are married with indignance, rage, power, intelligence and ferocity. They have given me the space to be, and are willing to create that space for others.


I feel it’s my turn to be brave and brazen, as so many are being today, and have been before me. It's my turn to carry the torch, because seeing yourself refelected in others gives you a sense that you can belong here.

That means asking for the financial support, and to be okay with asking..


So here I am asking, if you can, at no detriment  your personal needs, to support me in the cost of financing Gender Affirming treatments. Namely Top Surgery, Hormones and all the other related costs. The total cost is well over £14,000, and I will be unable to work for two months post op. I can't lift my arms over my head for six month post-op, which will effect my carpentry work. So there are other significant costs that I will fund, but here I am asking for help with the the amount that will make the difference in being able to do this or not. The surgery can happen the first week of June if I am able to raise the funds.

If you are able to,  I would appreciate from the depths of me any support in making this process more possible.

I just want to say, that I have personally struggled to write for this crowdfunder, and I feel really uncomfortable asking for this money. I wrote a longer piece that explains why I struggled and I think it sheds some light on the state of Trans health care and existence in the UK (relative to my experience atleast), so I'm sharing it below for those of you interested in understanding more. 

Either way thank you for your support, for giving, sharing, or reading.

I feel saturated in gratitude for the support and love I receive.

Thank you Thank you Thank you.

River Jean




The long read is below.....





I have really struggled writing this bit of text. It’s the most nerve racking thing I’ve ever had to write. 


It is a crowdfunder for Transgender health care - for me. Not so much to Transition, but to be seen by others as I see myself, and to feel aligned in my own body which until now I have felt disjointed in.


I’ve struggled for so many reasons ,and I’d like to take a minute (or 5) of your time to explain why - before I go on to express something more positive. I’ve decided to share the struggle I’ve had, because it says alot about the political state of Transgender existence in the UK, and I say’ existence’ not’ rights’ because I dont believe in seeking rights from a Tory state, and I say ‘existence’ not ‘health care’, because this isn’t just about health care. It's about the validity, dignity and quality of Trans life.


So the first reason I’ve struggled is unsurprising. I was brought up in  a Transphobic, Queerphobic and homophobic world during the eighties and ninties. A world in which Kids would tag each other saying ‘aids’ in the playground on break, the pejorative ‘Gay’ was used to reference pretty much anything someone was trying to insult, you weren’t allowed to marry as a homosexual couple, or be recognised as someones partner in a hospital if they were sick, section 28 prohibited the ‘promotion’ of homosexuality in schools. Transexual and Transgender people were pretty much only ever homocidal maniacs in movies, or a parody to be made a laughing stock of in British comedy, the Acronyms after LGB were not recognised and much less used. So as an adult I have lived in shame and fear of being Trans for most of my adult life, because I was taught they were bad things. Subhuman things. Things to laugh at or reject. I’ve thought for most of my adult life that if you knew I was Trans, you’d think I’m a freak, even if you don't - because that is what the world taught me to think of Trans people. 


I’ve intentionally kept quiet or hidden my experience - because  I genuinely thought my family might be upset with me even though they have given me no reason to think they would. I’ve feared my friends would feel they couldn't relate to me anymore. I’ve thought acquaintances wouldn't want to work with me. I’ve thought lovers would stop being attracted to me. I’ve thought I would make other people uncomfortable, and so they would turn away.


In an attempt to protect other people's comfort, or at least as I have perceived it, I've been deeply uncomfortable. In a way to protect my own comfort too, because appearing cis-gender afforded me certain privledges, namely to not exist on the periphery where things are harder and more isolating.


The point of this is to say that as someone trained to hide something for other people's comfort, it is contradictory to my experience, to then totally expose it in order to seek help - which is what crowdfunding to access health care asks of you.



Second, is about disclosure - the term used to describe a Trans person ‘coming out’, and having to use a crowdfunder as a mechanism to finance medical support and the relationship of this to privacy.


Its only in a Cis-normative/ hetro-normative society in which the dominant experience is ‘normal’ and everything outside that experience ‘othered’, that LGB, Queer and Trans folk have to do the specific emotional work of annoucing their experience for the sake of others understanding.  Its actually pretty intense having to explain to every person you know  the details of your bodily/medical/sexual/gendered experience. As someone who has recently gone through this, i think i'd go as far as describing it as exhausting. 

In most circumstances people don’t have to expose the details of their gender or sexual experience unless it's ‘othered’, nor do they have to make public their health needs or bodily experience to access health care. But due to living under a Conservative and transphobic state, that denies trans people health care through a very real de-validation of their existence (the repeal of the gender recognition act, the withdrawal of gender neutral toilets, and a referral rate for the NHS Gender identity clinic at figures estimating between 6- 26 years for a first appointment), Trans folx are cornered into exposing themselves in order to seek medical support. So there’s a loss of privacy. Irrespective of being Trans or not, some people just aren't comfortable putting their personal lives into a public domain. For me, this exposure is uncomfortable.



Thirdly - it's silly, but I’ve worried about my popularity. You think ‘ well i've never been very good  at social media, but now my chance for medical support is based on my social media presence? I have been up at night thinking if I had been a better friend or family member maybe this crowdfunder would be more successful. Stupid thoughts, but they happen.Counting on social capital in exchange for access to medical care is nerve racking. And I am someone that has social networks and can use social media. What about the Trans people that don't have that. How easy do you think it is for them to raise the 10-20K needed for gender affirming treatment through their social networks?


Trans people shouldn’t be in this position. It's just straight up - NOT fair, and it is the result of a Transphobic state. It is possible under the NHS to receive medical care for breast augmentation, face lifts, mole removal, rhinoplasty, therapy, insemination, abortion, IVF, sterilisation,and prescriptions for viagra. Why is it that you can receive care for all these issues in a reasonable time frame, in which medical intervention is legitimately used as a tool to ease discomfort/improve wellbeing/create pleasurable experience, and yet Trans people are not afforded this same tool? I’m aware these provisions are there, but if you are to wait 6- 26 years. Hormone treatment for Transgender experience is as natural an intervention as abortion. Breast reduction and double mastectomy to feel better in your body are equally valid. Most procedures can happen within two years on the NHS, yet first appointments are taking a minimum of six years in Trans health. These figures indict state sanctioned transphobia.


Trans people shouldnt have to turn to crowdfunders and the precariousness of social networks to access the health care they require. We should find the endemic of trans health fundraisers alarming.


I shouldn't be in the position of having to use social media to access health care, and I'm saddened that I am.




So with that explanation as to why this is a difficult thing to write, I’m going to aim to be a little more optimistic and celebratory from here on out.  I’m sorry this aint short and sweet, but nothing about this experience ever really has been. There is a lot to say, and so I guess this expression reflects that.


I guess I can start with this; Ultimately I am writing this because I’ve finally found the courage to. I'm finally confident enough as a person to know it's okay to be comfortable, even if I make others uncomfortable by just being me. I’ve learnt that I can choose my comfort first. I’ve found the strength to know I can handle this. I know that the body I inhibit is my body, and it’s not here to please someone else. I understand that the body and life are an experiment, and for the sake of birthing new realities I'm willing to gift my body to scripting new futures. I know Trans bodies claim the vast space that is possibility, and that Trans folk are carving better and more liberatory social dynamics. I see now that nothing is certain and holding onto certainty and security has been my biggest mistake, because nothing is predictable for any of us. Accepting transience,discomfort, unknowing, makes a lot more sense than the attempt at prohibiting and living in fear of the unknown. I’ve realised that I don’t need to be personally important, but in existing as a trans elder, I do want to show others that they are.



As far as it goes, I am deeply lucky to have a pretty liberal progressive family, I also have a lot of friends. In truth, my life is saturated in friendship. I state this not to brag, but to make the point -  I am deeply emotionally privileged.

 I am fortunate enough to have a community and a social circle that will support me in my decisions to be who I chose to be, as long as I don’t cause harm to myself or others. I can evolve and embrace a transition, ontologically and politically, and at the end of each day I still have love.

 So many trans people are not so fortunate. Many don’t have social networks, full stop. Many have to leave their homes, live on the streets, cross borders ,risk assault for survival. Vast amounts of people are brought up in families who are out-right prejudiced, or develop in environments that for political, religious or social reasons, oppose and fear homosexual love, and/or see non-cis gendered identities as a threat, moral wrongdoing, abnormality, or abomination.

 If I am someone that occupies a relatively supported non-conformist existence, then I feel it’s a social responsibility to occupy that sphere with pride, visibility and transparency in order to be a part of an active normalisation of the varied plethora of gender and sexual experience in this world. It’s my responsibility  to be a good ancestor to those to come, whose experience will equally contradict social norms, and to stake a claim in this life now,  and say we are a natural variant in humanity, we are real, and we are here to stay.

Representation matters. Seeing yourself reflected positively in the world around you counts. Watching ‘Pose’ ( a TV show on netflix examing the impact of the aids crisis on Trans communities in the 80's  New York 'Ballroom' scene) recently was massive to me, because it was the first time (at age 35, in 2021) that I saw Trans people represented with depth and breadth of character. With morals and values, political concern, with kindness and the desire for family and stability. As fun. As sexy. I had never seen a sex scene with Trans people that wasnt awkard or a joke. I hadnt seen cis/het guys find Transwomen desirable. I hadn't seen Trans people depicted as desirable, attractive and deserving of romantic and sexual attention.


I HAD NEVER SEEN THAT BEFORE.


 

And so…….



If ‘otherness’ and all the fear, hatred, and violence directed toward ‘others’ is of direct consequence to the centering of a ‘normal’ identity,  then normalising queerness is crucial to the eradication of destructive phobic prejudice. So it is a responsibility to enact queerness with as much ease, and routine, as I would put on my socks.

That's what I'm asking for help to do. 

I am Trans, I am queer, and it has been the greatest gift to me in life. I’m asking for support to be as Trans as I can be in this world, to do it with pride and dignity and strength and confidence.

The world wasn’t designed for me, and so it has taught me to question and critique, to imagine new worlds, to empathise with oppression, to find the courage to fight. It’s exposed me to community, and more importantly solidarity. It’s brought to me the best people I know, and in them it’s shown me everything that I deem beautiful in this world. In those people I have seen empathy, acceptance, support, generosity, kindness, (and more and more and more ) ……. Those attributes are married with indignance, rage, power, intelligence and ferocity.

So to get to the point, It’s my turn to be brave as so many are being today, and have been before me. It's my turn to carry the torch for others someday to see.


That means asking for the financial support to get there, and to be okay with asking..


So here I am asking, if you can, at no detriment  your personal needs, to support me in the cost of financing Gender Affirming treatments.




My long rant is over, and If you got this far, all I can say is thank you from the depths of me.



In love and solidarity.


River.