rela's recovery (FFS, TopSurgery & FracturedFoot)

Hi all,

I am in need of help. The next few months will be an intense life, medical, and financial period for me. I have top surgery next month and Facial Feminization surgery shortly after. Meanwhile, I just fractured my foot and will not be walking for a while. The recovery for all these is significant, and I'm unclear how immobilized and incapacitated I will be. At the moment, I’m bedridden with a black, blue, and yellow painfully swollen foot - realizing this will be really hard. I'm raising funds to make sure I can pay bills/food/expenses, and any medical costs I have not already budgeted for. I'm figuring out my work situation and it will be tough to be job searching and/or working during this time.

Regardless, I feel like as trans women, we are used to enduring extreme body pain and emotional distress. Without the bat of an eye and without any support - in complete isolation. The fact that I am also doing electrolysis and laser during this time is absurd. So many important moments have been robbed from me because I could not give them my full presence. I had to keep moving as fast as I could. There was so much left to endure, with no help, only obstacles. And also I felt like I was getting away with something. Like I was holding onto something that anyday they would come kick my door down and take it away from me and my now soft and fragile hands. To be able to breathe during all this would be immeasurable and a first.

There's obviously so much I could say about why these surgeries mean so much to me, but I don't want to have to nonconsensually pry into myself (more than I already am) to prove I am worthy of survival and support. I will just say that yes of course sometimes when I get "sir"ed, "bro"ed, "man"ed at the supermarket - on my four minute drive home I think about all the ways I could crash my car with the greatest possibility of death and the smallest possibility of it being ruled suicide. To leave in the isolation I came from. And these are just the throwaway mundane things.

This is me asking for support. For community. For a breath. For a safe drive home.

Thank you for contributing, sharing, and boosting. I recognize the collective and individual hardships you are under - and just want to say I appreciate you being here and interacting and supporting in your own way.

with gratitude,

xx rela