The Great "Bug" Migration
Donation protected
Hello. My name is Stephanie and this is my story.
Trigger Warning: This story contains description of domestic violence, reproductive coercion, physical, mental, and verbal abuse, and mention of abortion.
Before I begin, for those of you who don't know me, I am a 26 y/o college graduate with a Bachelor's Degree in Psychology. I am opening with my educational background for a couple of reasons: 1) to validate that intimate partner violence can happen to anyone, regardless of priviledge or circumstance, and 2) to demonstrate that, even if you've learned the signs, there is an art to manipulation and deciet that can blind us all.
My story begins in October of 2015, when I was living alone in Lakewood, CO and was let go from my position as a Front Office Coordinator. I struggled for two months to find gainful employment that matched my prevous salary but could not find anything and I, inevitably, settled on a position as a Phlembotomist for a plasma donation center in Arvada, CO. It was during this time that I met J.R. At first, I had zero interest in J.R. He was a donor which, if you know anything about plasma donation, you know it is a quick way to make a few bucks for spending an hour or two donating the fatty content of your blood. In other words, it was apparent that J.R. was as financially unstable as I was.
However, J.R. was charming and persistent, asking me out three times before I gave him my phone number. The first time we went out, we met at a local pool hall and I remember thinking he was very sexually assertive and preferred to dominate the conversation. I had no intention of going out with him again. But, one day, he boldly sent me an explicit photo and asked if I wanted to go out with him again. Such a move would turn most women off but, for me, sex was one area of my life where I felt powerful, important, and in control.
I agreed to go on a date in which J.R. spent the majority of dinner laying on his arm, seemingly dispondent and tired. I couldn't make sense of it at the time and as the evening progressed, we both enjoyed our fair share of alcoholic beverages. The alcohol brought out his charming side again; he was vivacious, enthusiastic, and fun. Having had too much to drink, I agreed to stay the night with him which led to consensual sexual intercourse. And I enjoyed the energetic J.R. He made me feel valuable which was a feeling I had been lacking since my last serious relatonship ended in June of 2014.
Things progressed quickly and J.R. and I officially began a monogomous relationship (at his urging) on Easter of 2016. Throughout this time, I continued to struggle financially and found myself spending more nights with J.R. in Arvada than nights alone in my apartment in Lakewood. During this time, I began working as a Health Center Assistant for Planned Parenthood of the Rocky Mountains but was still making too little to afford my rent. In July 2016, I finally realized that I could not afford my apartment any longer and J.R. and I came to the mutual decision that I would break my lease agreement and move in with him because his rent was slightly cheaper than mine. We enjoyed about a month together before I discovered that J.R. had cheated on me in June 2016, and that he had a severe prescription drug problem. Around this same time, J.R. provoked an arguement with his employer and he was fired. Although he found part-time work at a local pizzeria, I again found myself stretched thin financially.
When we were notified in October 2016 that our landlords would be selling our home, I felt conflicted whether to end the relationship then or not. But, J.R. promised to quit his drug habit and, because he had taken me in, I felt obligated to help him get established somewhere new. We moved together to Fort Collins, CO and in with my gracious cousin, Annette, in December of 2016. Things were fairly volatile from the start, and I was ready to end the relationship when I discovered I was pregnant.
Rewind to October of 2016, when I had undergone a LEEP procedure to remove precancerous cells from my cervix. Prior to the procedure, I was warned that my cervix would be weakened which may affect my ability to carry children in the future. This played a large role in some of the advice I received from family (namely my mother who was concerned I may not be able to get pregnant again, and my father who compared my contemplation of abortion to my half sister saying, "What if we had choosen to do that with M." On the other hand, I had overwhelming support from my friends and co-workers that it was my choice, regardless of what I chose. Additionally, J.R. expressed the opinion that I should have been more diligent in taking my birth control if I didn't want to have a child with him...
Ultimately, I chose to carry out my pregnancy and attempt to reconcile the flaws in our relationship. The joy of the pregnancy was short lived. Several times J.R. claimed that I was cheating on him, even going so far as to insinuate that a male friend of mine who happened to buy pizza for my entire office a few weeks after I discovered I was pregnant, was all a rouse to pay me off so I wouldn't persue him for paternity. Yes, you read that right, according to J.R., my going rate to dismiss paternity is pizza...
Throughout my pregnancy I also suffered from hyperemesis gravidarum (extreme nausea). I lost 20lbs during my pregnancy and was hospitalized three times for extreme dehydration.
Despite my daily nausea, J.R. would insist on sexual favors, stating he would not be in a relationship with someone unless he got to have sex at least once a day...
Things came to a head in March 2017 when my cousin finally gave him three days to vacate her property after she overheard us arguing about him wanting fellacio before work at 5:30am.
I had an opportunity then to let him leave and to raise my child without him, but I felt scared and guilty. J.R.'s father had committed suicide when he was 16 y/o, and I knew how damaging growing up without a father could be. I also didn't want J.R. to leave our relationship and turn back to his old drug habits. Stupidly, I left with him and we found temporary housing in Fort Collins from March 2017 to July 2017. While my cousin had been lending me a vehicle to get to and from work, she revoked the vehicle when I told her I would be moving out with him. For three months, I walked over a mile to, and from, work. I bought a bike to go to OB appointments but, ultimately, lent that to J.R. so he could get to work daily.
Finally, in late July 2017, we moved from CO to NE (using the PTO I had saved for over a year) to be closer to my mom during the birth of my son. About 2 weeks into our new home, J.R. became irate that he had lost the gas cap to the lawnmower and when I went out to look for it, he followed me out and claimed I was "making a scene" and placed his hands on my neck while I was 6 months pregnant with his child. Afterwards he just kept saying, "No, I grabbed your shoulders, you don't know what you're talking about," and to this day he denies the encounter ever occurred. I packed him a bag that day and insisted he find a ride back to CO which he originally agreed to. However, an hour later he apologized and I, wrought with guilt at depriving him a relationship with his son, allowed him to stay. My son was then born 5 weeks early due to the cervical weakness from the LEEP and he spent 1 week in the NICU.
My baby is the greatest blessing I could have ever received. He is strong and resilient and so unbelievably smart but, while in the hospital, J.R. got to pick my son's name, talked me into putting him on the birth certificate despite denying paternity not even two months earlier, and intimidated me into circumcising my son knowing I had very strong feelings against it.
Once we were home from the hospital, there was a brief honeymoon period where J.R. worked at a local restaurant and I took care of our son during my 6 week postpartum recovery. As soon as the 6 weeks was up, I again obtained full-time employment (J.R. made minimum wage and had no benefits, whereas I made $12/hr and received health insurance.) J.R. dropped down to Saturdays and Sundays only so we did not have to pay for child care.
My weekly schedule looked something like this: I would work Monday through Friday 8am-5pm and then would get home and care for my child while his father played video games, went to the gym, and watched basketball. I was allowed a 15 minute bath in between when I go home and when it was essentially my turn to watch our child. I would then get myself and our child up at 5:30am every Saturday and Sunday to take J.R. to work, and pick him up around 2:00pm, since he did not have a license or a vehicle. I would watch my child from sunup to sundown every weekend, depriving myself food and rest, and then I would get up Monday morning and go through my work week once again. This arrangement was supposed to change once my bug was 6 m/o old but J.R. refused to look for full-time work, refused to increase his hours at his current place of employment, and refused to put my child into daycare despite my mother offering to pay the first month.
All the while, our relationship grew more and more hostile and, in December 2017, he left a handprint on my lower back that lasted two weeks. When I threatened to use it in court, he said he'd play it off as "sex play." Then, in January 2018, provoked by me slamming things around in the kitchen, he grabbed me by the hair and punched me in the back of the skull four times. He begged and cried for me not to call the cops. I didn't. Instead, I went to work and he agreed to leave my house and find his own living arrangement in town so that he could stay close to our child. He didn't.
At a loss of what to do, I began applying for jobs back in CO. I obtained an employment offer with Banner Health in Greeley, CO as a Patient Financial Services Representative in their Central Billing Office and was supposed to start work on April 9, 2018. I put down a deposit on a home for myself and my child.
Then came March 18, 2018...
After another long week at work and a long morning with the bug teething and fussing, J.R. contacted me at 1:20pm to inform me that he would be off of work right at 2:00pm. I explained that our child had just gone down for a nap and that I needed sleep, too. I told J.R. I would pick him up from work but it would not be right a 2 o' clock so that our child and myself could sleep. He called me again at 1:50pm asking where I was. He claimed I was probably "f***ing someone." Despite being horribly mentally and physically exhausted, I got myself and my child in the car and drove the 15 minutes south to pick J.R. up from work. Along the way, my phone continued to explode with messages. When I got to the restaurant, I turned off the car, left the bug buckled and in line of sight in the back seat, and I marched into the restaurant to find J.R. I found him in the kitchen, smirking at his phone and giggling to himself. I asked if he was ready to go, and turned back to the parking lot. Once there, I finally looked at my phone and saw his messages repeatedly calling me fat, ugly, and stupid.
As he walked past me, I shoved him and threw my keys at him. He returned them, knowing his employers were watching, and we got in the car to head home. In the car, he continued to harass me about his suspicion that I was cheating and repeatedly threatened custody. In an effort to rattle him, I grabbed my phone and threatened to expose his past abuse. At that, he grabbed my new $600 phone, a Christmas present from my mother, and he threw it out the car window at 70mph, smashing it instantly. I immediately pulled of to the side of the road, turned off the car, and went to look it. By the time I was heading back to the vehicle, J.R. was on the phone with the cops. I was found to be the aggressor, and was arrested for domestic violence. The first night I spent away from my child since he was born was spent in jail...
As a result of my pending criminal charges and bond conditions, I had to forfeit my employment and housing in Greeley. J.R. has my bug, and I have only seen him twice since the incident.
Thankfully, bond conditions have changed and I am hopeful that my charges will be dropped but, unfortunately, with court fees and my lawyer's retainer, I have depleted my funds to move.
I am fighting desperately to regain custody of my child and return to CO where we feel safe and happy and supported. Any help would be greatly appreciated. I just want to be free of J.R. and raise my child in peace.
Thank you for hearing my story.
Much love,
Stephanie and "Bug"
Trigger Warning: This story contains description of domestic violence, reproductive coercion, physical, mental, and verbal abuse, and mention of abortion.
Before I begin, for those of you who don't know me, I am a 26 y/o college graduate with a Bachelor's Degree in Psychology. I am opening with my educational background for a couple of reasons: 1) to validate that intimate partner violence can happen to anyone, regardless of priviledge or circumstance, and 2) to demonstrate that, even if you've learned the signs, there is an art to manipulation and deciet that can blind us all.
My story begins in October of 2015, when I was living alone in Lakewood, CO and was let go from my position as a Front Office Coordinator. I struggled for two months to find gainful employment that matched my prevous salary but could not find anything and I, inevitably, settled on a position as a Phlembotomist for a plasma donation center in Arvada, CO. It was during this time that I met J.R. At first, I had zero interest in J.R. He was a donor which, if you know anything about plasma donation, you know it is a quick way to make a few bucks for spending an hour or two donating the fatty content of your blood. In other words, it was apparent that J.R. was as financially unstable as I was.
However, J.R. was charming and persistent, asking me out three times before I gave him my phone number. The first time we went out, we met at a local pool hall and I remember thinking he was very sexually assertive and preferred to dominate the conversation. I had no intention of going out with him again. But, one day, he boldly sent me an explicit photo and asked if I wanted to go out with him again. Such a move would turn most women off but, for me, sex was one area of my life where I felt powerful, important, and in control.
I agreed to go on a date in which J.R. spent the majority of dinner laying on his arm, seemingly dispondent and tired. I couldn't make sense of it at the time and as the evening progressed, we both enjoyed our fair share of alcoholic beverages. The alcohol brought out his charming side again; he was vivacious, enthusiastic, and fun. Having had too much to drink, I agreed to stay the night with him which led to consensual sexual intercourse. And I enjoyed the energetic J.R. He made me feel valuable which was a feeling I had been lacking since my last serious relatonship ended in June of 2014.
Things progressed quickly and J.R. and I officially began a monogomous relationship (at his urging) on Easter of 2016. Throughout this time, I continued to struggle financially and found myself spending more nights with J.R. in Arvada than nights alone in my apartment in Lakewood. During this time, I began working as a Health Center Assistant for Planned Parenthood of the Rocky Mountains but was still making too little to afford my rent. In July 2016, I finally realized that I could not afford my apartment any longer and J.R. and I came to the mutual decision that I would break my lease agreement and move in with him because his rent was slightly cheaper than mine. We enjoyed about a month together before I discovered that J.R. had cheated on me in June 2016, and that he had a severe prescription drug problem. Around this same time, J.R. provoked an arguement with his employer and he was fired. Although he found part-time work at a local pizzeria, I again found myself stretched thin financially.
When we were notified in October 2016 that our landlords would be selling our home, I felt conflicted whether to end the relationship then or not. But, J.R. promised to quit his drug habit and, because he had taken me in, I felt obligated to help him get established somewhere new. We moved together to Fort Collins, CO and in with my gracious cousin, Annette, in December of 2016. Things were fairly volatile from the start, and I was ready to end the relationship when I discovered I was pregnant.
Rewind to October of 2016, when I had undergone a LEEP procedure to remove precancerous cells from my cervix. Prior to the procedure, I was warned that my cervix would be weakened which may affect my ability to carry children in the future. This played a large role in some of the advice I received from family (namely my mother who was concerned I may not be able to get pregnant again, and my father who compared my contemplation of abortion to my half sister saying, "What if we had choosen to do that with M." On the other hand, I had overwhelming support from my friends and co-workers that it was my choice, regardless of what I chose. Additionally, J.R. expressed the opinion that I should have been more diligent in taking my birth control if I didn't want to have a child with him...
Ultimately, I chose to carry out my pregnancy and attempt to reconcile the flaws in our relationship. The joy of the pregnancy was short lived. Several times J.R. claimed that I was cheating on him, even going so far as to insinuate that a male friend of mine who happened to buy pizza for my entire office a few weeks after I discovered I was pregnant, was all a rouse to pay me off so I wouldn't persue him for paternity. Yes, you read that right, according to J.R., my going rate to dismiss paternity is pizza...
Throughout my pregnancy I also suffered from hyperemesis gravidarum (extreme nausea). I lost 20lbs during my pregnancy and was hospitalized three times for extreme dehydration.
Despite my daily nausea, J.R. would insist on sexual favors, stating he would not be in a relationship with someone unless he got to have sex at least once a day...
Things came to a head in March 2017 when my cousin finally gave him three days to vacate her property after she overheard us arguing about him wanting fellacio before work at 5:30am.
I had an opportunity then to let him leave and to raise my child without him, but I felt scared and guilty. J.R.'s father had committed suicide when he was 16 y/o, and I knew how damaging growing up without a father could be. I also didn't want J.R. to leave our relationship and turn back to his old drug habits. Stupidly, I left with him and we found temporary housing in Fort Collins from March 2017 to July 2017. While my cousin had been lending me a vehicle to get to and from work, she revoked the vehicle when I told her I would be moving out with him. For three months, I walked over a mile to, and from, work. I bought a bike to go to OB appointments but, ultimately, lent that to J.R. so he could get to work daily.
Finally, in late July 2017, we moved from CO to NE (using the PTO I had saved for over a year) to be closer to my mom during the birth of my son. About 2 weeks into our new home, J.R. became irate that he had lost the gas cap to the lawnmower and when I went out to look for it, he followed me out and claimed I was "making a scene" and placed his hands on my neck while I was 6 months pregnant with his child. Afterwards he just kept saying, "No, I grabbed your shoulders, you don't know what you're talking about," and to this day he denies the encounter ever occurred. I packed him a bag that day and insisted he find a ride back to CO which he originally agreed to. However, an hour later he apologized and I, wrought with guilt at depriving him a relationship with his son, allowed him to stay. My son was then born 5 weeks early due to the cervical weakness from the LEEP and he spent 1 week in the NICU.
My baby is the greatest blessing I could have ever received. He is strong and resilient and so unbelievably smart but, while in the hospital, J.R. got to pick my son's name, talked me into putting him on the birth certificate despite denying paternity not even two months earlier, and intimidated me into circumcising my son knowing I had very strong feelings against it.
Once we were home from the hospital, there was a brief honeymoon period where J.R. worked at a local restaurant and I took care of our son during my 6 week postpartum recovery. As soon as the 6 weeks was up, I again obtained full-time employment (J.R. made minimum wage and had no benefits, whereas I made $12/hr and received health insurance.) J.R. dropped down to Saturdays and Sundays only so we did not have to pay for child care.
My weekly schedule looked something like this: I would work Monday through Friday 8am-5pm and then would get home and care for my child while his father played video games, went to the gym, and watched basketball. I was allowed a 15 minute bath in between when I go home and when it was essentially my turn to watch our child. I would then get myself and our child up at 5:30am every Saturday and Sunday to take J.R. to work, and pick him up around 2:00pm, since he did not have a license or a vehicle. I would watch my child from sunup to sundown every weekend, depriving myself food and rest, and then I would get up Monday morning and go through my work week once again. This arrangement was supposed to change once my bug was 6 m/o old but J.R. refused to look for full-time work, refused to increase his hours at his current place of employment, and refused to put my child into daycare despite my mother offering to pay the first month.
All the while, our relationship grew more and more hostile and, in December 2017, he left a handprint on my lower back that lasted two weeks. When I threatened to use it in court, he said he'd play it off as "sex play." Then, in January 2018, provoked by me slamming things around in the kitchen, he grabbed me by the hair and punched me in the back of the skull four times. He begged and cried for me not to call the cops. I didn't. Instead, I went to work and he agreed to leave my house and find his own living arrangement in town so that he could stay close to our child. He didn't.
At a loss of what to do, I began applying for jobs back in CO. I obtained an employment offer with Banner Health in Greeley, CO as a Patient Financial Services Representative in their Central Billing Office and was supposed to start work on April 9, 2018. I put down a deposit on a home for myself and my child.
Then came March 18, 2018...
After another long week at work and a long morning with the bug teething and fussing, J.R. contacted me at 1:20pm to inform me that he would be off of work right at 2:00pm. I explained that our child had just gone down for a nap and that I needed sleep, too. I told J.R. I would pick him up from work but it would not be right a 2 o' clock so that our child and myself could sleep. He called me again at 1:50pm asking where I was. He claimed I was probably "f***ing someone." Despite being horribly mentally and physically exhausted, I got myself and my child in the car and drove the 15 minutes south to pick J.R. up from work. Along the way, my phone continued to explode with messages. When I got to the restaurant, I turned off the car, left the bug buckled and in line of sight in the back seat, and I marched into the restaurant to find J.R. I found him in the kitchen, smirking at his phone and giggling to himself. I asked if he was ready to go, and turned back to the parking lot. Once there, I finally looked at my phone and saw his messages repeatedly calling me fat, ugly, and stupid.
As he walked past me, I shoved him and threw my keys at him. He returned them, knowing his employers were watching, and we got in the car to head home. In the car, he continued to harass me about his suspicion that I was cheating and repeatedly threatened custody. In an effort to rattle him, I grabbed my phone and threatened to expose his past abuse. At that, he grabbed my new $600 phone, a Christmas present from my mother, and he threw it out the car window at 70mph, smashing it instantly. I immediately pulled of to the side of the road, turned off the car, and went to look it. By the time I was heading back to the vehicle, J.R. was on the phone with the cops. I was found to be the aggressor, and was arrested for domestic violence. The first night I spent away from my child since he was born was spent in jail...
As a result of my pending criminal charges and bond conditions, I had to forfeit my employment and housing in Greeley. J.R. has my bug, and I have only seen him twice since the incident.
Thankfully, bond conditions have changed and I am hopeful that my charges will be dropped but, unfortunately, with court fees and my lawyer's retainer, I have depleted my funds to move.
I am fighting desperately to regain custody of my child and return to CO where we feel safe and happy and supported. Any help would be greatly appreciated. I just want to be free of J.R. and raise my child in peace.
Thank you for hearing my story.
Much love,
Stephanie and "Bug"
Organizer
Stephanie Pawlikowski
Organizer
Ogallala, NE