I don’t want to die, I want to live

Hi everyone, my name is Angela I am 22 years old and am currently living in Orange County New York. Let’s just say life has not been the easiest on me from the start. I was abducted when I was 4 years old by my mother and was eventually rescued almost a year later thanks to help of Sheriff Carl De’Boyce and many others on the case. It was very unlikely that I would ever be found again, even law enforcement told my family that. However, I was saved that day and I wish I could give my all to the person who picked me off the floor and told me “you are safe now”. I was safe again, back in my hometown for a little while but to my surprise, my mother showed up not even a month after I was recovered and pointed a gun at my dad threatening to harm him if he didn’t give me up to her, to his horror this nightmare almost came true until yet again I was rescued from this horrible situation. I remember begging her not to take me again, I did everything a 5 year old could do to defend herself. Days, months, and years went by but the emotional trauma never left my side. It was always there lingering like a dark cloud over my head. I was taken in to live with my grandparents where I felt safe and was cared for throughout my childhood. Eventually I was able to make a full physical recovery and continue school as any other child despite the significant trauma. Things were great until I turned about 15, I noticed things started to change with me. I didn’t understand it at first, as a matter of fact no one did. I could barely get up and ready for school in the mornings like I always did, friends left me behind, my grades slipped in between the cracks and I felt like I had absolutely no one. That is when I was diagnosed with depression and began taking my first (SSRI) or selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor. I was on that for many years, boosting dosages, trying a whole list of other medications with little to no luck. Eventually, I dropped out of high school and received a GED and hoped life would get better from there. I started working a few jobs but lost my main source of income when Covid-19 hit. It was around then I decided to pursue an actual career. I decided to pick up the phone one day and ask if I could tour the school I had chosen and to my surprise they said yes. It literally was as simple as that. I was beyond thrilled with this opportunity, especially since I loved and had a strong passion for what I did. I practiced esthetics or professional skin care services. Eventually I had to go on LOA or a leave of absence, when I felt my depression creeping back in, so again I went through trial and error with different medications. Eventually I struck up the courage to continue on with my education despite the challenges I was facing. I got so close to finally making it into clinic, which is where I get to practice in real life or hands on learning until I had the unlucky chance of contracting mono or Mononucleosis. Since this is an air borne illness that can be contracted from saliva I was yet again obligated to take a LOA for months. Spring finally came around and things were looking up until one of the most important people in my life had passed away. My beloved grandmother Jeanne or my best friend. She was the mother figure I never got the chance to have. As soul crushing and horrible as it was, I got up every day turned on my car and drove an hour each and every day, sometimes 10 hour plus days morning the loss of my grandmother. I think that was the most difficult thing I have done, put on a smile while on the inside I felt like dying. Eventually, the time came and I graduated but I felt nothing. Literally nothing, I was so focused and determined on finishing school I didn’t get the chance to grieve one of the most important losses in my life. Yet, I continued on and pursued a career in the Esthetics field, however I was completely unsuccessful. I could not keep a job for the life of me, it was like I was numb inside. I knew working was what I was supposed to do but it didn’t feel right, it felt horrible actually. I came home from one of my shifts and without telling anyone I had attempted suicide. From that point forward I realized I wasn’t capable of working a typical 9-5 so instead I took my 2007 Honda Accord and went to work as a food delivery driver. I was driving just today and my life went by in a blink of an eye when I hit the gas pedal and my car’s transmission blew in the middle of oncoming traffic. Thankfully, I was able to manage to bring my car as close to the side of the road as possible without causing any injury to myself or anyone else. This upcoming Monday I was supposed to receive my first dose of ketamine, which in reference is one of the strongest medications uses for depression or like in my case MDD. Unfortunately, this medication is not covered by insurance so I would be paying out of pocket, roughly $3,000 for the first month. I didn’t care through, I had been through hell and back at this point and thought this would finally be the way out, the light I needed in my life, however that is not possible anymore. Unfortunately my family will not provide the funds for my treatment mostly due to financial difficulties. I do not have a car to drive, I do not have money to buy a new one, I do not have a job to get access to any money and most importantly I lost the one thing I was hoping to save me. Not just from depression, from everything. There are so many scars and battle wounds that no one will ever be able to see unless you are standing in my shoes. In my heart I truly believe I wasn’t saved on that day in 2006 for nothing. I can’t give up, I won’t give up. I want to live a life, not the life I know, but a better one. One where I can have a genuine smile and laugh with someone without the thought of suicide in the back of my mind. One where I can practice my career while doing what I love. I will not be able to have that opportunity unless someone is willing to help. Please help me through this difficult time, I am suffering and I don’t want to go on like this much longer. If you can donate that’s great, if not that’s okay, if you made it this far at least I know someone out there cares enough and that is enough. Many others just like me are suffering but I am not able to recover alone. With your help I can get out of this situation and live the life I’ve always wanted to live.