Alcohol addiction is such a common problem that most of us have been brough up to ignore it or worse still, not to even see it when it is right in front of us. A common version of this is that we are the person with the addiction, the use disorder. It is not a given that just because we are in the middle of chaos that we can describe it or even acknowledge to ourselves that we are in trouble.

Alcohol offers a little bit of fun and relief from the rigors of our lives and takes a great deal in return. Only a small percentage of the total time that alcohol is active in our lives/day is the fun bit, the rest is working to make the money to buy it. Then there is finding a place that sells the alcohol we want and in the form we want to take it. If we are lucky the next part goes smoothly and we drink, have fun before stopping and sleep. Then comes the morning/day after and sometimes that is when we really pay. Most hangovers are never thought to be the equal of the fun of the night before. Often there comes the slow realisation of what we actually did, the shame, regret and perhaps an actual physical and financial cost. Repairing the damage is the final step of a night of 'fun' and then the cycle can begin again when we start putting money into the coffers for the next bash!

All so silly really and this doesn't even consider the damage to our health, standing and self-worth. Alcohol is a VERY expensive indulgence.

I spent many years cycling through nights, bottles and regrets and one day I woke up to who I really was and it did not please me. I stopped drinking. Within a short span of time six of my colleagues stopped drinking alcohol and cited my example as the catalyst. The feeling of being worthwhile was strong at that moment, I felt I had significance. Made a nice change.

Over a little time I thought I was something of a mild superman to have just quit but with the passage of years I realised that I hadn't 'just quit', it had been a process, and I had been working on it for years. No, that doesn't describe it very well as it is an unpleasant, demeaning and insidious process and it had been working on me for years!

With the comfort of sobriety I was able to look back at the mess I had made of my life. I saw only too clearly the stumbling downward progress and the evolution of a thin parody of my potential. I can see the discarded friends, bungled opportunities and rejections for what they are. I can still access the shame. The bitter taste of revulsion might have dulled and I can now, (to a point) feel some compassion for the buffoon I had become. Most of us are steered into the drinking world from a very young age and society neither makes apology nor offers regret. When I was finally able to see the journey of my escape for what it was; the steps and falls, the tarnish and the disgust, I knew I had to try to help the other desperate and tortured souls wanting to be free.

The book I am writing looks at all the aspects of alcohol and its impact on our lives as drinkers. It brings clarify to what each of these factors is. I explore how it interacts with us as biological beings and how it obscures and complicates our interaction with society.

This work is designed for people who have acknowledged that something is awry in the dynamic of alcohol, their sense of self, their health and the rest of life. I hope it will provide a part of the jigsaw they need to make a picture that cannot be ignored and requires lifechanging action.

As alcohol is a chemical I look at some of the more salient ways in which it interacts with us on a biochemical level, though not too much and only in areas where better understanding helps complete a picture.

I use anecdotes from my wanderings around the planet chasing work and distraction/fulfilment to put perspective on important elements of the makeup of a drinkers relationship with alcohol and the rest of the world.

Despite being very serious in nature I write in a slightly tongue in cheek and amused way that is intended to make reading the book fun in its own right.

My intention is not to convince people to give up alcohol, that is a journey of personal choice. My intention is to demonstrate what alcohol is to us as individuals and to highlight the heavy tariff that blankets almost everything about our lives with drink. I have tried to make it impossible not to see the detriment it brings and to provide support, information and points of consideration to someone looking more attentively at their priorities in life. I have included a short excerpt on how alcohol affects the size of our brains that you can find below.

I hope not to stop at simply writing once. Some people will manage to escape alcohol by themselves while others will need the path clearing or someone to help them through the rocky and murky places. I should like to do that. I can see myself creating a retreat where people can come and work through the lumpy, gritty section of alcohol separation in the peace and serenity of a wild natural environment.

But that is in the future, for now I need to complete the draft.

I am 140,000 words into the manuscript and at the rate I am going it will be another year or two before I can present anything to an editor and then publisher/self-publish. Much too slow and perhaps, for some, too late too!

I work in the aircraft industry in Canada where I repair and modify fire-fighting and ambulance aircraft. I have to live away from my family and I must work every day, three hundred hour work months are common. I have resorted to starting my days at half past three every morning to give me the extra time I need to write but it is just not enough. I think I need about a month of full time work, (2-300hrs) to finish the first review and then re-work/rewrite after a second peer review. Alas I cannot afford to take the time away from my work, my bills and outgoings are too weighty and the Revenue service is a powerful sweeper of those who fall behind.

I need help keeping my head above water while I finish writing.

I started in May of 2024. After a while I made a small bracelet with 'Adam and Alan, make them proud'. I wear it constantly. Alcohol was directly involved in both of their deaths, it affected their decision making to the point they made fatal errors of judgement. I miss them very much and their/this aide-memoire has helped keep me on track for this rather difficult task. It also reminds me that there are new Adams and Alans stepping through the portal and out of our lives every new day. I want to be part of the guardian force that turns people away from that fatal step, I want to publish this book.

I will suggest that anyone still reading at this point is more than a little interested in the role alcohol plays in our lives. With that in mind I will say that if anyone donates more than the cost of a copy of the book, (plus postage) then I will send them a signed copy once it is in print. I will write inside the flyleaf and it will be from the heart.

With my most sincere regards,

Leo

On Brain shrinkage:

Is there a correlation between alcohol consumption and smaller brains? Yes, very much so but is there brain damage along with the shrinkage? Apparently, probably, could be! Isn't it interesting how alcohol confounds us with its complex impacts even with large pools of data? Usually, given a large enough pool of data one can see even the most delicate and subtle patterns and correlations. Although some of the alcoholic impacts are massively clear others are not. What is certain is that there is a relationship between alcohol consumed and brain size/shrinking. Is it damage or simply desiccation? Not so clear. If it was damage, then when alcohol was removed from the study patient there would be no change and the shrivelled walnut would remain in command. However, depending on the volume of alcohol previously consumed on a regular basis, the brain will tend to grow back in size. Up to a point. Again it is that mix of how much, for how long, and by whom. Scans of heavy long term drinkers show brains that look as though they come from someone much, much older than the person it serves.

This poses the obvious question; are people with these itsy-bitsy yellow polka dot brains less astute and thoughtful? Certainly their ability to make/store memories, (call it learning if you like too) is impacted and they cannot use what they have in storage/memory as well or as fast as those pesky non-drinkers. And of course their brains look older too. What exactly does that mean? I look older than I did five years ago but I still have the same ideas about flying, fishing and family so where is the impact?

Well brain stuff is about neurons. Brain cells = neurons to most of us and neurons means interconnectivity. If a ladder is missing a rung then it is going to slow the user down. If it is missing two rungs consecutively that might just bring things to a halt altogether. If we are missing links in our chain of thought then we will either not be able to arrive at a well modulated response to whatever the stimulus might be or we will have to resort to a goat track to get there. Certainly in writing this book I have found that I am unable to find the flow that I was able to call on before and it is distressingly frustrating. I am very aware how often I cannot recall what I was about to do and will stop in mid-stride as if someone has just given me a gentle tap on the forehead with a moderately sized hammer. Sometimes I work it out, most times even, but an undamaged specimen of humanity could run rings round me.

The effect of even a small amount of regularly taken alcohol will reduce the blood-flow around the brain and it will damage, destroy and reduce repair on the white-matter of our brains. The white-matter is the connectivity, the communication network. I surmise that my brain is not all white. That works if you have a lisp too, different sense but equally applicable.

So I am not communicating well with myself, my ability to make rational and well-founded decisions is flawed and I am trying to run my life, be a father and have equal shares in a marriage. These are not areas that benefit from impulsive, half-baked thoughts and responses. My wife leaves notes to me on an etch-a-sketch and talks to me as if I am about as bright as a 25W bulb. Revenue Canada is always kind enough to let me know when I have forgotten something too, but my son likes me. Though when he was told that he couldn't have a Giant Anteater I heard him say that he doesn't really need a pet because he has Dad.