In July I was sick in bed with pertussis for two months. It wasn't until September I found out I was in my second trimester while I was in real estate school and unemployed that I was pregnant.
In October I went to bed rest with a dilated cervix and ruptured membranes and a bulging bag. The doctors told me she had 48 hours to survive and repeatedly recommended me to abort. I decided to keep fighting. Staying in bed, I put my bed on a 2' lift for a 15 degree decline to keep the pressure off my cervix. Unable to work, and with zero communication or support from the father who abandoned me, my 11 year old daughter had to help take care of mommy. I had no way to make an income because I was unable to work. Bed rest worked for a little bit until one evening the contractions continued stronger. Being on my feet and minor stressors triggered contractions daily. It was w constant fight to stay completely relaxed. Falling into debt with bills, and with the house falling into disarray, it became harder and harder every day and I thank everyone for the support.
At 21 weeks and 3 days Seraphim Ossa Manning was born at 12.2 oz. she was too young to be saved. If I could have held on for twelve more days she could've had a 50% chance of survival and an 80% chance at 24 weeks after reviewing a cycle of antibiotics and steroids to better develop her lungs and brain.
Upon arriving to ER they notified me that my quad test was returned and that she is at high risk for Down syndrome. This hit my heart heavy but I wasn't determined to give in yet: the test is not positive and an amniocentesis is the more accurate test to assure baby is ok.
In the middle of the night I got the bad news that a high white blood cell count meant I had an infection which was life threatening to me. I broke down and there was no fight in me anymore. If this is what God wants then take her where she'll be happy. I could have a painless medical abortion or induce labor and I decided to endure a birth without an epidural so I can hold her in my arms with her heart beating wholly. I found my peace. When I found out I was 7 cm dilated I decided Serah is ready to go and it's up to me to let go.
She was so beautiful and innocent and tiny and I held her against my skin with bittersweet happiness and sadness at the same time. Life is precious and this experience has changed my life forever. I will never advocate abortion and I will sacrifice my own selfish needs for the life and innocence of a baby and unborn child. Holding her for just a short time in my arms is worth the sacrifice and pain I've endured. My heart is broken.
Doctor told me to take 6 weeks off to let my body heal and get my head straight. Daily tasks like doing the dishes or making my bed are difficult for me. I'm trying to take things slowly as much as I can handle. I'm trying to get back to work and real estate as soon as possible and get caught up on late bills and make Christmas happen for Kai.