Hello Friends!

I have 6-months to pay $50,000 of pandemic debt accrued over the past two years (my credit line is currently suspended, with reduced interest rate). I'm trying to pick up the pieces of my financial life and avoid bankruptcy in 2022.

For me, the pandemic losses have been as follows: loss of job, loss of savings, loss of housing, loss of friendships, estrangement from my family, recipient of attempted physical assault, multiple months of isolation with toddler, mental health challenges, stress-related illnesses, contracting COVID-twice, workplace discrimination, multiple moves, etc.

Without the support of a few very generous individuals and families (you know who you are), we would literally would have had nowhere to go for most of the pandemic and gone into even further debt if it weren't for your generous support efforts. Thank you to those folks for seeing our needs and taking action to keep us safe.

And all the while...throughout this life journey....in every situation the LEARNING continues:

1. Learning how to advocate for my needs & my daughters needs (in the face of resistance, denial, abandonment, neglect, etc.)

2. Learning where and when and to whom it is safe to ask for help

3. Finding the internal energy to be the emotional resource for my daughter's well-being, non-stop, 24/7, with no breaks (except for those that cost $20 an hour); caregiving is no joke

4. Accepting that "my reality" of motherhood is not at all what I had imagined it would be and that other people are having different experiences and challenges. But my struggles are real. They are my own.

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I am currently trying to maintain HOPE....

1. that there is some way of finding relief from the poverty I find myself in

2. hope in finding a long-term home where we can be safe and belong

3. hope in finding the physical support and physical community I need to manage my 24/7 caregiving duties for my daughter

4. hope that my daughter hasn't suffered permanent psychological damage from having the "10%ok" mother that she's had throughout this incredibly stress-inducing series of circumstances from her moment of conception

5. hope that my life won't always feel this horribly exhausting and unreasonably demanding, sucking dry every drop of my energy, just to survive.

6. that thriving is possible...under some future circumstances, yet to be felt.

I truly hope that it will get better and that I'm just not seeing a clear pathway to that "better" place.... yet.

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When I think about my mothering experience in an imaginative way...as a rose-colored, fictional account of what I imagine my experience would have been like, if I was well-supported, well-resourced, well-loved, well-appreciated and fully-funded...that is my HAPPY place.

"What would this experience of mothering have been like if I had gotten to do it in the most abundant environment possible?" I ask myself.

Here is my poem to share with you that vision of what what mothering might be or could have been (for me), in an alternate universe...

For your inspiration, I offer you this alternative version of my story, that I often contemplate when life feels especially lonely and overwhelming. And I'm still hoping to get some elements of this to be actual realities someday...

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If I were a fully-funded Momma: A visioning of a mother-nurturing world

by Virginia Wilcox

If I were a fully-funded Momma,

I would have all my basic needs met for food, shelter, clothing, health care and social support.

If I were a fully-funded Momma,

I’d move my daughter and I to a community that values caring for the next generation and the planet.

If I were a fully funded Momma,

I’d purchase a small plot of land adjacent to the farm and build a small 5-7 unit tiny-house community for single mothers, single women and aunties and grandmas, who are all interested in inter-generational support and caring for one another with the purpose of raising loving children, tending to the land and the needs of one another. What a joy to provide housing and stability for the women who have and are giving decades of their lives to the unpaid and non-GDP-valued labor of care-giving?!

(Why isn't it rage-worthy that so many women who once cared for us are now forced into living in poverty in their old age, due to the non-lucrative and essential nature of that work in this capitalist culture? Did not their mothering labor enable the labor of all others in the workforce to show up and make their money? No good deed goes unpunished, I suppose. The thanks a blood-related family caregiver often gets for their efforts is poverty for themselves when they, in turn, need care. I am sorry sorry sorry for this to be anyone's situation, my friends. I wish this were not so.)

If I were a fully-funded Momma, 

I wouldn’t have to borrow on the future to pay for necessities today. I'd have plenty of financial support from my community, my loved ones, my friends, my neighbors, the state, the government...who all see and reward my work at a parent as a great benefit to society and to our families and communities.

(I wouldn't have to carry $50,000 in high-interest credit card debt just to manage to meet our basic needs because no-one wants to pay a mother for mothering...so I pay myself...in debt in debt in deeper debt to my future self who will somehow work hard enough in the "real work force" ...not this "fake work" that I'm doing as a caregiver. lol...The hardest job I've ever had in my life and the worst paid, least fun and most under-recognized. I wish I could quit. I wish wish wish I could have quit a long time ago, but the cost to quit is too high to pay too.)

If I were a fully-funded Momma,

I wouldn’t worry if I am making “too much” money to qualify for social services…OR “too little” money to be able to survive. That constant imbalance feeling like there is no way to “win” at the equation of getting our needs met or getting out of this poverty cycle .

If I were a fully-funded Momma,

I’d never have to hear someone say, “I don’t know how you are doing it...” ever again…because resources and social support would be so abundant for mothers in our culture and the value of the work of caregiving for young ones would be so obvious to anyone. And if there was a gap in social support for any caregiver, no one would turn away from the situation and wonder (with pity), how that poor single mother’s story is going to end in anything but tears and bankruptcy , (but that's "normal" so what-can-ya-do?) NO! They would see the struggles of another human being, working very hard, and be brave (and resourced enough themselves) to step in to contribute their care to the care of the caregivers...because caregiving work is valuable and requires support to be sustained over the long-term.

If I were a fully-funded Momma,

I would continue to build my business partnership Amplify The Heart into a B-Corp, with the mission to scale and create teams of 3 working mothers...as many as we can hire.... allowing them full-control of their work schedules, fun and meaningful work to occupy their hearts/minds when they are not changing diapers, $100,000 per year to support their families and children, while spreading the heart of mission-driven businesses in sharable bite-sized audio products.

If I were a fully-funded Momma,

I wouldn’t have to beg my daughter’s (once present and now absentee) father to send us money because we both have COVID (again) and I can’t work, and she can’t attend pre-school and we don’t know how we are going to buy food or meet debt obligations or pay our rent. He would willingly acknowledge his responsibilities, be generous and consistent to meet the needs of the non-traditional family system, so that we all can thrive.

(Sadly, Ruth has not received a in-person visit from her Father since January 2020. She was 2.5 years old then. Now she is about to turn 5.)

If I were a fully-funded Momma,

I’d be able to pay for my own health care!!! (Imagine that!!!???) And find out what these stomach pains are from, what this lump in my belly is all about, to be able to address the long-term impacts of stress and ptsd with a health care professional. And I'd have someone volunteer care for my daughter (for free) while I go to the doctor! (If you are in Santa Fe and would like to do this plmk!!)

(Photo from 7-3-2017, near death experience, medical trauma, emergency C-section...I am still recovering from what my body and mind went through.)

If I were a fully-funded Momma,

I could have childcare enough to take time to advocate in the local community for education and policy changes in the direction of initiating discussions and education about Donut Economics in our local government meetings. Taking time to hold open conversations to help us all recognize the suffering in our culture that many misaligned economic incentives are causing in social injustice and massive inequality of resources for basic needs met.

If I were a fully-funded Momma,

I might sing again .

If I were a fully-funded Momma,

I wouldn't have to "find a man" to finance my time spent mothering.

If I were a fully-funded Momma,

I wouldn't ever have to experience anything like the "motherhood penalty" (Google it) in the context of work outside the home, because the systems and structures and schedules would be designed to support would include rather than exclude the needs of care givers and therefore the needs of children and therefore the needs of everyone that grows up from being a child to an adult and our society as a whole.

If I were a fully-funded Momma,

I would offer free theatre/drama classes for kids to learn embodied empathy and perspective shifting at my daughter’s school and in the greater community.

If I were a fully-funded Momma,

I’d facilitate no-cost online compassion practice trainings for people to learn how to be seen and heard in their relationships and help address this loneliness epidemic. 

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Actually, I’m doing this already. Here are the registration links if you'd like to join in on this relational learning opportunity some time in the next 7 months (facilitated by me). Practicing compassion is always worth your time, guaranteed:

Need more Info? Check out this Guidelines for the Practice Doc .

Reflective Listening for Self-Discovery 2022 (Sunday Morning Series) Registration: LINK HERE 

Reflective Listening for Self-Discovery 2022 (Lunch Break Series) Registration: LINK HERE  

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If I were a fully-funded Momma,

I could put my creative energy into doing as much good in the world as I possibly can before I die…because I’ve got an abundance of enoughness, resources, time and love to share.

THE END (a.k.a. THE BEGINNING)

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Thanks for reading...and imagining with me...what LIFE COULD BE LIKE!!!!

Q: How can you help? You ask?

A: Please donate to this campaign today and/or sign up for reflective listening practice (sunday link and weekday link ) and/or call me and see how else you can help or just if you want me to receive that you care. (I cannot read your mind and don't know how I'm being received unless you communicate it directly to me via text, email, call or showing up on my doorstep. FYI. lol.)

Wishing you wellness and ((((love))))...

P.P.S. Nowadays the rarest kind of support to receive is from those who show-up with your personal presence and/or offer free childcare support (basically never happens). If you'd like to make an offering for either, please contact Virginia directly at [email redacted] 

P.P.P.S. Or if you are a genius with balance sheets and budget strategy, and would like discuss Virginia’s debt-recovery spreadsheet and help create a solid financial plan to solvency, please kindly volunteer!!! I have no shame and will happily discuss finances quite transparently. The devil’s in the details, yes? Please contact Virginia directly at [email redacted]

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For more well-researched voices on this cultural trend of under-resourced mothering and how to solve… 

- "Cash As Care" social justice movement for mothers: PDF 

- An article about the how unmarried single mothers are not recovering from the economic losses of the pandemic:

https://www.brookings.edu/blog/up-front/2021/05/06/mothers-are-being-left-behind-in-the-economic-recovery-from-covid-19/

- "Doughnut Economics: Seven Ways to Think Like a 21st-Century Economist" (i.e. more wholistic pathways to a sustainable economy and planet): https://amzn.to/3w6HpHt

- A video about Nancy Folbre’s work on New Economic Thinking About Care-giving Workforce:

- "Pay Up: The Future of Women and Work (and Why It's Different Than You Think)": https://amzn.to/3FdCt87

- "Tending: Parenthood and the Future of Work": https://amzn.to/3kIkblX

- Humanity Forward (Lobbying for the Child Tax Credit): https://humanityforward.com/policy/child-tax-credit/

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Thank you...again... for reading.

LOL! Imagine if this was YOUR STORY, your daily reality, and that YOU were carrying this financial boulder on your back? Sigh. Stressful and exhausting, yes? Yup. Exactly.

Some other thoughts that might help others get support too...

Please consider starting a GoFundMe for another single mother in your life (ask her permission first, obvi). But, believe me, she doesn't have time to organize a GoFundMe for herself until her kid is basically in Kindergarten. She's too busy cleaning up messes she didn't make, drying tears that she isn't crying and wiping butts that aren't her own. LOL. Does anyone come to mind? Call them.

Orrrrr.....Please delight a single mom in your life and tell her you want to take over her job for 5 hours, so that she can just go do something fun for a change....and you'll coordinate all the planning, prepare the children and foot the bill. SHE WILL BE SHOCKED AND THRILLED. Never. Has. This. Happened. (most likely)

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Thank you for taking compassionate action to support me (and Ru) to lessen our financial stress burden ... we gratefully receive your care and support in whatever way you feel called.

We can't change what's happened in the past, but we can help support a more caring future....And yes...cash is accepted.

Loving you so.

Virginia & Ru