I’m going to be honest.

This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to write.

I didn’t want to do this publicly. I’ve tried for a long time to handle everything on my own, keep things private, and just push through no matter what was happening. But the past year and a half has been a level of ongoing trauma heartbreak, grief/loss and instability that I haven’t been able to recover from, and I can’t keep carrying it by myself anymore.

After leaving a 7 year relationship into a dangerous and abusive relationship, it felt like everything around me kept compounding instead of settling. I suffered many heartbreaks and losses without proper grieving or processing time, including my only family- my mothers, declining health including kidney failure, heart issues & potential blindness/loss of vision.

I’ve gone through multiple work situations where I was underpaid, not paid at all, or highly taken advantage of.

I am still owed tens of thousands of dollars from previous employers, and trying to pursue that has been its own battle. I dealt with severe- as the labour board called it-“psychological harassment” in those environments, and even when things were ruled in my favour, I’m still having to fight to actually receive what I’m owed, and to this day am being stalked and harassed, trash talked in industry by a former employer who felt they simply didn’t need to pay me a dime for 6 months of full time work.

I’ve also experienced constant systemic racism /injustices throughout these processes, and when I turned to the labour board and other government bodies for help, I was met with brutal negligence and a lack of real support. Systems that are supposed to protect people failed me consistently.

At the same time, my living situation hasn’t been stable. I moved into what was supposed to be a brand new condo, but it’s been the opposite of what was promised. I’ve dealt with multiple serious issues: broken appliances, non-functioning door locks, multiple robberies including the loss of my entire professional archive, including my entire wig /extension collection, essential styling tools, and irreplaceable sentimental items. The failure of building management and local authorities to address these robberies left me without a safety net, forcing me to absorb the financial and emotional wreckage alone including loss of my insurance claim. Coupled with instances of harassment (Including sexual) and severe maintenance negligence, I have been left without security in my own home, making it almost impossible to fully come down from the stress.

There has also ongoing situations with landlords attempted large sum scams. There were multiple instances where I could have been taken advantage of significantly financially if I hadn’t caught it.

All of this has affected me in ways that go beyond stress or burnout.

I’ve recently been diagnosed with CPTSD. It’s not just emotional. it’s a brain and nervous system injury that comes from prolonged trauma. When you live in survival mode for that long, your brain adapts to it, and that changes how you function day to day. It affects memory, focus, emotional regulation, and the ability to feel safe or grounded, even when you’re trying to move forward.

That’s been my reality for over a year and a half trying to work, trying to stay afloat, trying to build something for myself while my body and mind are constantly in survival mode. Though from an outside perspective my achievements and accomplishments seem consistent, I have also been diagnosed as a Masker/Camouflager, which if your unfamiliar with; It describes a strategy where individuals particularly those with autism or ADHD consciously or unconsciously hide their natural traits, behaviours, and to fit into neurotypical social norms. The pressure of this has impacted me greatly and left many confused that someone who often operates at my level could struggle so deeply… unfortunately that is my reality…

Last weekend, everything reached a critical breaking point. I tried and almost succeeded to take my own life. After that, I made the decision to seek help on my own, because I don’t want my story to end like that.

I’m still here, but I can’t keep living the way I have been.

After working with my therapist, it’s been made clear that I need to take a focused 3-month period to stabilize and rebuild. Not just push through, but actually receive consistent, proper care. Therapies like DBT and EMDR, mental health support, and the ability to meet my basic needs without being in constant crisis.

The reality is, until I’m able to properly treat what’s been happening in my brain and nervous system, I’m not going to be able to find the stability I need. And I know I’m capable of more, but right now I can’t access that version of myself while I’m stuck in survival mode.

This is also incredibly hard for me because I’ve always been someone who shows up for people. I genuinely love my community, my career, the people in my life and anyone who knows me knows I would do anything for the people around me, whether that’s giving my time, offering discounted/complimentary services, inclusivity, gifts/gestures, laughs! or showing up when someone needs support. I’ve poured into others in ways I’m proud of, but right now I’m in a position where I need that support back.

I’m trying to do something different. I’m trying to accept help, slow down, and actually heal.

I’m asking for support so I can take this time and have a real chance at recovery.

(3-Month Recovery Plan)
Breakdown:
• Therapy (DBT + EMDR)
• Medication & mental health care
• Healthy groceries & essentials
• Bills & debt relief
• Legal fees

If you’re able to contribute or even just share this, it genuinely makes a difference. This is me choosing to stay and try again.

Thank you for taking the time to read this