Poetry Without Price

Hello, my name is Jon and I am fundraising to help pay off the medical bills I incurred by having to check myself in to a mental health facility due to suicidal ideation.

I’m an Army vet that suffers from Depression, anxiety, ptsd, and survivors guilt. I knew there was a problem two weeks before I left. I wasn’t sleeping and I had no appetite to speak of. I had lost 15 pounds in 14 days, but the final moment of realization came when those who I thought close to me, my peers, felt compelled to turn away from me out of fear. A fear of what I might do, either to them, but more assuredly to myself. I had risked not being the father my kids deserved, I had been an absentee partner to my wife whom felt that she couldn't trust me, and I could not understand why I hated myself so much. I wanted to die... I checked myself into an inpatient mental health facility in a program for military, and first responders. I was scared, no, I was terrified. I was terrified that they wouldn’t let me leave and that they would tell me I was as crazy as I thought I was. It was sudden and unplanned for. I used up all my savings and maxed out my credit card in order to go there. I have no insurance to speak of, but I wanted to ensure a future for myself. The fact is, I would rather be in debt than dead. While I was in, I learned a lot about myself and the core traumas that had manifested into afflictions I now suffered with and had coalesced ultimately into my suicidal ideation. And with that newfound enlightenment, I learned that it was OK to not be OK. I learned that it was OK to be pissed about shit, but that I didn’t have to live in the shit I was pissed about. I have left the program, and while I still have the same problems, the same afflictions, I am better able to manage them. And that’s the overall thing I took away from being there. That you’re never fixed, you’re never whole. But I am also not lost. I’m no longer enthralled to a disease that I had no idea had dictated my life for so long. But now I must face reality outside of the bubble. I have gone into financial debt and dug a hole so deep that I might never be able to climb out. I have had to separate myself from my family because I had pushed them away for so long. I am separated from my friends because i did not foster friendships. And my fear of abandonment has forced me to be more alone than I ever have before. But I am alive. I'm alive and I'm trying to put my life back together. I'm trying to reconcile the relationship with my wife and I'm trying to be the husband and father that for so long I was not. All by being a better person, a better me.

In helping me by donating what you can in order to pay off my medical bills, I will post poetry filled with hope and affirmations. I will attempt to give back what I have received, a cleanse of the darkness that hides inside us all. An understanding that we are never truly alone though we may feel it. And possibly a sense of hope… I will post poetic entries every few days, based upon requests made about different topics. I was told in the program that I attended that I had a knack for writing and I’m hoping to utilize that here.

Any help would be greatly appreciated… thank you and please share. 

I want to thank everybody for their support and for their contributions. From this day, going forward any, and all donations will go towards charity, and for organizations that assist with And aid those suffering from mental illness.